Tonbridge blog

Local beers at the Rose and Crown please....

2012-01-28T15:21:00.000Z

Having had a few very acceptable pints in the Rose and Crown the other night at the Tonbridge Tweetup (scroll down for that post) it occurred to me that maybe the hotel, which is smack bang in the centre of the old part of town, ought to be serving some of the wonderful local brewries' offerings. The beer in the hotel bar is acceptable, as I say, but it is, rather predictably, Harvey's and Green King. Both okay but nothing more than that. They'd do a lot worse than William Wilburforce Freedom Ale by Westerham Brewery or, better still, Coppernob and Auburn Myth by our very own Tonbridge Brewery. I've never tried Tunbridge Wells Breweries ales on tap but the bottled versions of the best bitter aren't half bad, if a little metallic for my taste. It would be a good idea for them, good to support the local producers and fabulous for the customer to be able to try out some of these less available, but excellent, beers. I don't know whether the Rose and Crown is tied to any particular big brewery but they're missing a trick if you ask me....

Church Marriage Blessings....

2012-01-27T14:38:00.001Z

Page 3 of today's Courier tells us a nice local story about how St. Stephen's is hoping to save marriages from the dreaded divorce by hosting romantic dinners at the church. Couples are apparently being urged to give their relationships "an MOT!" The breakdown of marriage is a serious business indeed so I'm sure that the vicar, Rev. Mark Barker, is full of good intentions. (And, before you say anything, I feel sure that the menu wouldn't be limited to just bread, water and wine!) But, I'll tell you something, if I offered to take my wife for a romantic dinner in the church hall to save our marriage, however good the wine and grub, it would be Decree Nisi before you could say avocado prawn cocktail!...

Comedy and a load of old balls....

2012-01-27T13:16:00.001Z

Another thing I found out at the Tonbridge Tweet Up last night in the Rose and Crown was that Angel Indoor Bowls Club hosts a regular comedy night. I like a bit of stand up myself so I may well have to go down there when the next one's on. The acts would have to be pretty good otherwise the members might throw things at them and those wooden bowling balls are pretty heavy and all! Also, I didn't let on last night that, in my youth, I used to be a bit of a dab hand at the old crown green bowls myself. Better not tell them that though otherwise they'll be pressurizing me into joining the club. Have I reached a ripe enough age yet to get back into bowls? Maybe I'll give it till I'm in my 70s! Only joking guys honestly....

Tonbridge Twitterati....

2012-01-27T11:45:00.000Z

The Tonbridge Twittersphere is active this morning after many of the town's twitterati enjoyed a lovely evening in the oak beamed lounge bar of the Rose and Crown, fittingly right in the heart of the old town. I must admit I was slightly dreading the evening, although curious to know what all the fuss was about. So with more than a little trepidation I ventured out all of the 50 yards from Mr. Books across the High Street and into the back entrance of the hotel. Well I didn't want all the fuss of a big fanfare welcome from the mysterious, anonymous host, @Tonbridgetweet up (to use her twitter handle.) There I've half given the game away by telling you that she is in fact a female. So that narrows it down to half the population at least. On arrival I ordered my first pint of the evening and, taking a large thirst quenching gulp, wondered were the heck everyone else was. I could have used this moment to back out gracefully, having made the effort, and make a hasty gettaway, but the barman obviously sensed that I was here for something and informed me that the tweetuppers were in the bar at the end of the restaurant. I have to confess that I've always thought it better to remain at least semi anonymous on twitter but, having met a handlful of them, I'm coming round to the view that there's no harm in meeting up once in a while. After all we all have at least one thing in common: that bizarre desire to tell the rest of the world what we're doing and what we're thinking at any one time; to give our "followers" snapshots into our own world. I personally find the whole business of blogging very liberating and, let's face it, we all like to get things off our chest once in a while and, this way at least, you might strike a chord with somebody out there and maybe they'll sympathise with you. So we all sat around in a big semi circle, rather awkwardly at first without the laptop or smartphone, and some fibre optic cable, between us. There were more than few longish pauses, the atmospshere somewhere between a gathering of new friends and a company conference on the first night. Within an hour or so most people were joking and sharing stories like old friends; the beer and wine helping to loosen our tongues of course. The Rose and Crown did us proud by bringing us lots of tasty snacks like chips, crisps, bowls of olives, bread and some really rather scrummy sausages on cocktail sticks. The hotel staff were understandably keen to keep the tweetuppers coming back. Perhaps they sensed that the group are actually quite influential of opinions in Tonbridge or, perhaps, they were just being nice. Either way the food was appreciated and saved me getting a burger and chips from the kebab shop on the way home which was my other plan. So would I go again? I hear a few of you ask. Probably yes, especially since I'm literally spitting distance away. Not that I'm planning to be spitting across the High Street! Anyway I must sign off now as, probably, no one is reading this any way. They're all on twitter! The only snag with twitter though is that you have to get everything into 140 characters. Where TonbridgeBlog has the advantage is that you can say it in 1,400 if you want to. So my twitter entry for the above might read something like: "Rose+Crown @tonbridgetweetup last nite g8 fun although slightly awkwrd at 1st. Fab food + gd company. See you all Feb" Damn it that's still too long to fit!

Tonbridge Has Talent....

2012-01-25T12:56:00.000Z

This morning I've accepted an invitation to be a judge at Tonbridge Has Talent which is being held at the EM Forster Theatre next Friday. It's a great night out if you've never been before and tickets do sell fast I'm told. It never ceases to amaze me just how much talent their is in the town. Last year there were singer song writers, bands, comedians, jugglers, dancers, and even a ventriloquist whose dummy was alive! (or was that the year before? either way it obviously had an impact on me, mentally scarred me for life you might say!) It was reported in the local press that I was the harsh Simon Cowell-like member of the judging panel which I thought was a little unfair. I may have told it like it was on a few occasions but then that's life. They have to be able to take the criticism now if they want to go on to great things later! I hope I can, in my own small way help them on that path!...

Titanic 1912-2012...

2012-01-25T12:43:00.002Z

Poor Taste or just tastes poor?

Just had an interesting conversation in my shop on the story, which ran in the Courier last Friday, all about a customer who took exception to a beer called Titanic being on sale at the Little Brown Jug pub, Chiddingstone Causeway. An angry customer called David Price, who I happen to know quite well, was put out that the pub's refused to accept that their beer, Titanic Iceberg, which the blurb on bottle claims will "hole any passing thirst" was in poor taste. That's not to say that it tastes poor, in fact, so I'm told, it tastes quite nice and is very refreshing when served ice cold (which, after all, is the message they're somewhat brashly trying to get across.) He took particular umbrage because this year is the centenary of the famous doomed voyage of the "unsinkable" ship going down and many hundreds of passgenger meeting their end in the freezing cold seas of the North Atlantic Ocean. The brewery, in their defence has been around since 1985 according to their web site so you could argue that it's in no more poor taste now than it was 20 years ago, 2 years ago or 2 months ago. I'm sure the story has been blown up out of all proportion anyway and it was as much a result of some sarcastic comment from the barman or something of that nature. Mr Price most probably wrote a letter to the paper and the editor, I'd have thought, saw a story in it with the topical nature of the Costa Concordia but then that's what newspaper editors get paid for isn't it? Still, as they say, no such thing as bad publicity and I'm sure the landlord of the Little Brown Jug will be pleased with the temporary uplift in trade. I've never been in the place as it happens but I might give it a try now. And no I won't be going in there and making jokes about sinking a few pints thank you very much!...

A Day at the Wells....

2012-01-21T12:52:00.003Z

Coming back from The Wells the other day I caught the bus which, for me, is a very infrequent occurance. I might even say an alien experience. Being a stranger to this mode of transportation I enquired at the bus stop opposite the Civic Centre as to whether or not the gentlemen's Arriva bus was bound for Tonbridge town. Expecting a courteous reply the driver gestured with his hands towards the front of the bus and informed me "Says High Brooms!" in a rather distasteful and uncourteous manner. Tunbridge Wells in its 18th Century hay day this was not! The driver may as well have said "Are you thick or something mate, can't you bleedin read?!" for that was the tone in which he imparted his travellling information advice. My children have oft told me how blunt these stage coach drivers can be of a morning when they are on there school journeys, how they like their little power trip in a job that is, in all probabilty, otherwise incredibly dull and unfulfilling, but here I was experiencing it first hand. I said to the driver something like; "You are assuming that I know the area and I'm a regular bus user in saying that!" He gestured with a shrug of the shoulders that he didn't care two hoots and that whatever I said it would be water off a duck's back. Amazing how he could impart all that with one shrug of the shoulders but it was definitely all there. So in front of all the bus travellers alighting from his High Brooms bound carriage I'm afraid I shouted rather loudly to the gentlemen that he was, and I quote a "Rude sod!" That told the blighter!...

Take a hike to Tunbridge Wells....

2012-01-18T16:15:00.000Z

I had a lovely walk down to TunbridgeWells the other day. Yes, you heard me, a walk. I walked to Tunbridge Wells from Tonbridge on Monday. Why? I hear some of you saying; and that's just what my family said to me. Why would I do that when I could have caught the bus or driven or even cycled? Well for a few reasons actually. I've lived in Tonbridge for the best part of 23 years and have never done it before That was the first reason (and sometimes that's reason enough!) The second was I wanted to know how long it would take. And thirdly, I couldn't go running because of a strained calf muscle so I thought the next best thing would be to walk for a little more gentle exercise. Afterall it's only about 5 or six miles to the Pantiles, which was the ultimate destination, and, lately, I've been used to running further than that most Sundays. In truth though much of the walk was a little dull I have to say. From the top of Quarry Hill to Southborough Common takes only about half an hour but it seems like an age as the lorries buses and cars whip past you on that narrow stretch of the A26. You feel pretty lonely as there are very few other walkers or cyclists around. In fact you feel a bit of an oddball, a vagrant almost, so used to going by car are we. It's different if you're in a town or if you're out in the countryside with your walking boots on, climbing over styles and jumping across brooks; then you feel like your doing a leisure activity. But on the road you're just someone with no transport and not enough money to catch the bus; or at least I felt like that's what people might think. I spent all afternoon wandering around the shops and bought some nice new cloths in the Crew Sale and a few other bits and bobs. So catching the bus on the way home I felt a bit more normal with my expensive looking shop carrier bags. I'll probably never do it again but at least I now know that it takes only an hour and twenty minutes brisk walk from Tonbridge right to the centre of Tunbridge Wells, nothing really when you think about it. So next time I hear of kids bunking off school because of a bit of snow or bus drivers being on strike there'll be no excuses. They can take a hike....

Can Brian's Bikes find the next Mr. Book bike?....

2012-01-14T11:03:00.000Z

Now there's a challenge! I've just spoken to Brian of Brian's bikes in Holford Street, Tonbridge (behind the railway station as if you didn't know) about getting another butchers delivery bike to replace the one that was thoughlessly wrecked by oiks at the bus stops under the Castle. He's now on the case, so to speak, and, hopefully, will be able to sell me one soon. There are some on ebay at the moment going for around a hundred quid and upwards so I could have the Mr. Books Bike II out on duty next week if I wanted to but I'm in no desperate rush and it'd be nice if Brian can get hold of one for me in working order and ideally a Pashley, with basket, a leather seat and a the original silver bell (not that I'm fussy) so I'll be able to show it off by riding it up and down the High Street. Perhaps I could even deliver some books on it. That'd be fun!...

Humphrey Bean Versus The P&J....

2012-01-13T12:24:00.002Z

Had one of my rare mid week nights out in Tonbridge last night when an old work colleague came over to see me. We had a lot of catching up to do so we needed somewhere we could talk, get a nice pint and, since neither of us had eaten by the time he arrived, somewhere that did half decent food quickly at a moderate price. I can count the number of times that I've been in the Humphrey Bean Wetherspoons on one hand and I don't really like these souless places but, I have to admit, on this occasion it ticked all the boxes. It turned out to be Thursday Curry Night so I could feel a Chicken Tika Massala coming on as soon as we walked in. A bit predictable I know and, in truth, it was at best average but it filled the gap so to speak and served a purpose and you can't argue with six quid for a ruby murray and a pint now can you! Because we were having curry I plumped for a lager as my meal deal pint which was pretty much as I expected for a Carling Black Label. It washed down the tika nicely buts that's about all. For my next pint in The Spoons (as I think the youngsters are calling the HB these days) I wanted to be a bit more adventurous so walked the length of the bar in search of something new. To my delight they did have a couple of interesting local beers which the barman/assistant manager let me sample first before I committed to a full pint. Unfortunately he would only let me try two out of the four or five I wouldn't have minded a finger or two of. Maybe he thought that I was a hobo just asking to sample everything and then, half cut, saying I won't bother before going outside to scrape up yet more tab ends to smoke in the shop doorway I'd chosen to doss down in for the night! In the end I went for a Westerham Brewery's bitter which was very acceptable and I will be back for more even though, as my friend said, they are really a McPub. That is to say, like McDonalds, predictable and consistant but, for me anyway, that also goes along with souless and distinctly average.
So after that experience I had to take my friend to a place where I know you can get a good pint: The Punch and Judy next to the Police Station. I wanted to try the Tonbridge Brewery's Coppernob which I knew they had in. If it was anything approaching as good as their Auburn Myth then I knew we were in for a treat. We weren't disappointed. It was quite simply splendid. Tasty, zesty, slightly malty possibly, a tiny bit fruity and nectar in a glass. My friend decided to wup me at the bar billiards table while we chatted about old times. He was doing a good job of it until in both the second and the third leg of our three game epic encounter his impatience and greed for those bonus 200 points got the better of him and he managed to bowl over the black skittle. Nice to have a night out in Tonbridge in two very different pubs. No prizes for guessing though which one Tonbridge Blog prefers....

A Sevenoaks Grammar School please for Tonbridge's sake!...

2012-01-11T13:15:00.000Z

You can tell which papers I tend to read online most days can't you?! There's a very interesting article in the Telegraph today, which I just happened to stumble across, about the plan to set up a grammar school in Sevenoaks. It talks about the situation at the moment whereby the poor, pushy parents of Sevenoaks have to cram their boys with of hours of personal tutoring to enable them to get top marks in the 11+ exam in order that they'll get a place at the super selective Judd School. It doesn't mention the current knock on effect of Tonbridge boys being displaced by Judd and having to go to schools in Tunbridge Wells if they happen to drop a couple of points on the 11+ paper. So yes I personally hope that that Sevenoaks gets its own grammar so that yet more young boys in their smart new blazers aren't forced to endure seven years of journey's on that car park that is the St. Johns road into Tunbridge Wells every morning....

Breathless and sweaty of Tonbridge....

2012-01-10T10:55:00.000Z

I loved these pictures in the Telegraph today, taken in a Paris park by Sacha Goldberger, of joggers just after a run looking out of breath and sweaty. She then contrasts that look by an adjacent picture of the same person in similar but smart clothes. I liked it anyway. I suppose it appealed to both the runner and the photographer in me. I wonder what I'd have looked like if she'd taken one of me after my seven mile jog around Tonbridge yesterday. Not a pretty sight either before or after I should think!...

Farmers Market: keeping it local....

2012-01-07T12:31:00.000Z

Don't forget to visit the Tonbridge Farmers Market tomorrow morning. It's the first one of the new year so it could do with your support. Last month there were almost 70 stalls selling a huge variety of local produce from fruit and veg to meat and game and everything in between. I shall be going down there for breakfast in the covered "food hall" area. What shall I have? Maybe a pork and apple burger or a chocolate crepe or maybe I'll just have lots of free samples of cake, pies and cheese! All washed down with a freshly made coffee made with fair trade beans. Keep it local and get yourselves down there....

Farewell John Marshall....

2012-01-05T13:30:00.002Z

I've just heard the tragic news that the Director of Tonbridge School Facilities, John Marshall, died suddenly over Christmas at a terribly young age. I knew John mainly through business having dealt with him for many years regarding the Tonbridge Book Fair held at the school. More recently though I've got to know him much better as both John and I sat on the Tonbridge Arts Festival Committee. I always found him to be very pleasant to deal with and he always managed to conduct affairs in a way which allowed the balance to be just right between being jovial and business like at the same time. He always came across as a happy chap which influenced those around him to be the same. He'll be sadly missed....

Tonbridge Half Marathon date confirmed

2012-01-05T13:22:00.000Z

And speaking of catching the running bug I've just heard that the Tonbridge Half Marathon is to go ahead on Sunday September 23rd after its very successful inaugural event last year. They've extended the limit of entries to 1,500 this year having had many runners unable to register with the previous limit of 1,000. (All the more annoying since only 850 actually started the race.) I'm told by the race organisers that the route is to remain the same which is a bit of a shame because, and I think I can speak for most participants, it would be nice if some of the course went through Tonbridge itself instead of just skirting it. Unless of course they rename it the Leigh Half Marathon which might be more accurate! This year then no one should be disappointed but, just in case book it early; you can do it now online then get some training in because, I can tell you from my own experience last year, it's quite a tough, hilly course especially if, like last year, it's a hot day. I'm off to investigate bare foot running shoes and GPS watches!...

Happy 2012....

2012-01-05T13:10:00.000Z

Welcome back and a big HAPPY NEW YEAR to all. What a wonderful Christmas no doubt you had. Mine was a nice quiet family one, although most of us weren't too well at some stage or other. New Year was a little more rowdy but, as you get older you stop going out to parties as you see there's not that much to celebrate, preferring instead a fairly quiet one with family and friends watching Jools Holland yet again. Okay, the truth is, no one invited me to anything better and I'm really not that popular any more if I ever was! My New Years Day started with a refreshing morning 6 mile run along the sea front as, in a moment of utter madness a couple of months ago, I'd entered the Cleethorpes New Years Day 10K. Well it is my home town, so it was a great excuse to go home for New Years Eve and then blow the cobwebs of the next morning. The prospect of this madness would surely horrify most people but, as you may know, I'm well into my running at the moment and it's these event which keep me out there training whenever I can. A great motivation it is not to want to look a fool on race day! If you're interested, which you're probably not, I achieved my target time of under an hour, 59 minutes and 45 seconds to be precise, and mighty pleased I was too. I've already entered the Tunbridge Wells Half Marathon in another moment of sheer lunacy this morning and may well go for the Paddock Wood and Tonbridge later in the year. I've got lots of book fairs planned in already so my year is pretty much mapped out for me. How about yours?...

Merry Christmas....

2011-12-22T16:03:00.000Z

Have a simply super time at Christmas from everyone at Tonbridge Blog (that'd be me then!) Feel free to talk amongst yourselves for a bit. Just click the comments button below and get blogging. You could say something nice you'd like to share with the folk of Tonbridge or else you could form your very own Christmas Grumpy Tonbridge club....

Your turkey roast's gonna cost ya this year....

2011-12-22T15:56:00.000Z

With food prices set to keep rising your traditional turkey roast and trimmings Christmas dinner could cost you dramatically more this year. According to the Office for National Statistics recent report some of the ingredients have risen by over 50%. Whilst some like carrots and potatoes have actually fallen on average bacon and sausages have gone up by well over 10%, red wine by over 14%, turkey itself up nearly 4% and crackers for your cheese course up a whopping 51%. I blame it all on the bankers and the politicians myself. They get all the pleasure while the rest of us gets the blame! Anyway Happy Christmas....

Tonbridge Street Lighting update....

2011-12-21T11:25:00.000Z

Credit where it's due. The council(s) seem to have got their act together at last and, from what I can see, all the street lamps at the north end of Tonbridge High Street appear to be in working order. A few weeks ago there were at least seven out. Have the Highways department been reading Tonbridge Blog or something? Whatever the reason we should all be grateful for small mercies. The Christmas lights do look absolutely lovely this year. Not over the top or tacky, but tasteful and just right....

Christmas is coming. Let's all fast....

2011-12-17T14:30:00.000Z

At the Tonbridge Civic Society talk earlier this week Pat Mortlock gave us an excellently delivered insight into Christmas celebrations down the ages. Many of the traditions which we have grown up with and which we'd all be loath to let go have, in truth, only been around for a relatively short time or are adaptations of much older traditions. The Christmas tree, for example, many people think was "invented" by Prince Albert, Queen Victoria's husband. This is only partly true in the sense that he embraced it and made it a popular way to celebrate the event. The evergreen tree had been used in stately homes though long before the 19th Century. You could argue that it's roots (no pun intended) stretch back as far as pagan celebrations of the mid-winter festival. The turkey is also fairly modern in it's association with Christmas although game birds had for centuries been eaten as part of the feasting. As had roast beef, sheep, pork and goose but definitely not fish (that was associated with periods of restraint, like Lent and Advent.) Some would say that Oliver Cromwell had the best idea of all. From about 1653, as effectively dictator of England, until his death in 1658, the pruitan ruler banned Christmas as a celebration and people were asked instead to fast and to think of Christ's birth. A bit harsh you might think but then again hasn't it all gone a bit too far the other way in modern times?...

What is the Tonbridge Zeitgeist?...

2011-12-15T15:11:00.000Z

As we approach Christmas news days, as they say in the business, tend to get slower and slower. The papers start writing "news" stories about what has been in the news during the last year and what the most popular trends on the internet have been. If you will they try to determine what is the Zeitgeist or the Spirit of the Age. It seems that, perhaps unsurprisingly, Facebook, ebay and YouTube are among the top searches according to Google. Top people searches include Kim Kardashian, Victoria Beckham and Emma Watson. Subjects high on the list were things like What is AV? (I still haven't a clue!) and high on the shopping list were Asda (really?) and travel Las Vegas. What do they tell us about the Zeitgeist then? Well search me! So what were the top subjects looked at on Tonbridge Blog during the year? The post about Tonbridge Has Talent back in February scored high on page views presumably among people who wanted to see the videos; the SIBA beer festival report seemed popular; as did Retro 66 Barbers Turning Blue for some odd reason and One Man's View of Tonbridge. But by far and away the highest number of page views, 22.117 to be precise, was for the the shortest piece I think Tonbridge Blog has ever posted about allegations against the local catholic priest. So I'm not quite sure what that all says about capturing the Tonbridge Zeitgeist. Singing, dancing, vanity, moaning, guilt and religion. Yep that just about sums us up!...

Mr. Books Bike is a gonna....

2011-12-14T15:23:00.002Z

The Wreckage Yesterday

Well it's an end of an era for Mr. Books. The shop bike has served me well but, as you can see from the picture taken yesterday, it is no more. In the words of the Monty Python team it has ceased to be! Originally the Mr. Books bike was bought (on ebay as a matter of fact) to get around the fact that our county council didn't seem to like having small businesses who wanted to promote themselves by putting signs out on the pavement. When one morning they confiscated my A-board it forced me to think up a more creative way of having a, in a manner of speaking, High Street presence. Mary Portas would have been proud of my ingenuity in the solution I came up with. So the sign on the bike was repainted and the old 1940s delivery bike has been wheeled out every business day ever since. Of late though I must admit to having got a little lazy in not bringing her in every night and leaving her to the will of drunks, oiks and yobs passing by. She's been kicked, ridden on with people giggling and shouting whilst sitting in the front basket at 3am; she's been sat on, jumped on, twisted about and, eventually, as you can see, completely wrecked. So yesterday I carried her back to the shop one last time to save her from yet more abuse. Having taken off the hand painted Mr. Books sign which, by the way, was more than the original cost of the bike, the intention was to take her to her final resting place: my back garden. There she'd have become a feature and had plants growing around her and would have been able to live out the rest of her days in peace and tranquility with only the sounds of children playing, birds singing and squirrels squeaking. Later in the day I mentioned her plight to a regular customer in the shop but when we went out to have a look blow me down if the bike hadn't been nicked. I was flabbergasted that anyone would still want the wreckage of the poor old thing. You just can't keep anything if it's not nailed down can you. Still, look on the bright side, she weighed a ton and at least I didn't have to load her into the car to carry her home and, I suppose, in a way, someone will put her to good use again eventually. Here's the Tonbridge Blog tribute to her:

Outside Tonbridge School for the Book Fair

On High Street duty in happier times!

En Fete for the Tour de France coming through Tonbridge

Even the thick snow just made her look prettier

Tonbridge High Street in the light of Mary Portas Report....

2011-12-13T15:53:00.001Z

I don't know whether or not Queen of Shops, Mary Portas, visited Tonbridge during her pretty in depth study of the British High Street, as part of her work for the Government, but our town is certainly a case in point. Many of the factors blighting our own High Street can be seen in her report and recommendations which was published this morning. Expensive parking discouraging shoppers, too many charity shops, absent landlords all too willing to leave store units empty for years rather than reduce rents, a lack of joined up thinking by councils, too tight planning regulations, high business rates etc. etc. I won't go on because you can all read the report. I would certainly urge anyone with, or thinking or starting, a business in Tonbridge to have a read because, apart from any thing else, there's some great free advice in there. On the whole I found her report to be positive and optimistic about the future of the High Street so long as communities embrace them, shoppers spend more of their pounds in them and retailers get more creative and innovative....

The Leaning Christmas Tree of Tonbridge

2011-12-13T13:08:00.000Z

My gosh those winds weren't half fierce last night. Bins blown over, rubbish strewn down the street. There's bound to be some roof tiles missing but it looks like my house escaped the worst of it. Which is more than can be said for the poor old Tonbridge Christmas tree next to the town bridge. It seems to have acquired a definite lean to it over night. I'm sure the council will be along to sort it out though before too long. 'ealth an' safety and all that!...

Farmers Market. The Best Way to Shop?

2011-12-13T13:00:00.000Z

I went along to the Tonbridge Farmers Market on Sunday. On a very drizzly, cold, wet morning it was nice to see so many stall holders and visitors there even before 10am when I arrived. I managed to pick up some bags of mixed apples and pears (at £1.70 for a huge bag full can't be bad!) Also went a bit mad on the cheese stall as usual, I do like that Lord of the Hundreds and Sussex Oak. I picked up some wonderful Christmas gift boxes of real ale from the Sussex Brewery stand and then some little stocking fillers from various craft stalls. Oh, and I even spent some money at organiser, Steve the Chilli Man's, stall. I bought some wickedly hot olives marinaded in evil strenth chilli sauce, mixed with some milder ones and sun dried tomatoes. Lovely stuff. £50 well spent I'd say and that is definitely my way to shop. You can keep your shopping malls and retail parks with their huge queues and hoards of shoppers desperate to get the latest toys. Give me a good outdoor market and a High Street any day. Right Mary Portas?!..

Tonbridge Farmers Market this Sunday...

2011-12-09T12:25:00.003Z

In a Pickle for pressies? Try the Great Preservations Stall

It's December. It's nearly Christmas. It's the second weekend of the month. we know what that means don't we? The Tonbridge Farmers Market in this Sunday. There are nearly 70 stalls booked in for this ever expanding brilliant market. If it gets any bigger it will have to spill out of the car park at the back of Waitrose and along the pavements of Avenue Du Puy! What with it being a festive special theme there'll naturally be quite a few indepenedent breweries and vineyards coming along like: Big Tree Cider, Dudda's Tun Kentish Cider, Fallen Angel Brewery, Hepworth Brewery, Meopham Valley Vineyard, Pine Trees Farm Apple Juice, Rent a Cherry, Sedlescombe Organic Vineyard. You'll be able to buy your Christmas turkey there as well as masses of other foods for the season and the feast. There'll probably be more crafty type stalls there than usual so you could even go along and get most of your presnts there as well. It must be said that Steve, aka The Chilli Man, who organises the monthly event has done a fantastic job in making it so successful in such a short space of time. I for one can hardly wait!...

You Shall Go To the Ball....

2011-12-09T12:05:00.000Z

Don't forget to book for Tonbridge's very own panto if you're stuck for something to do. I'm told it's going to be quite special. Details below. Best way to get tickets is to go along to the Angel Centre or phone the box office on 359966. See other events on at the Angel Centre....

Cinderella - Friday 16 & Saturday 17 December Presented by Tonbridge Lions Club and produced by Clips Theatre Company, Cinderella tells the story of a young girl whose life is made a misery by her ugly sisters and wicked stepmother until, in true panto style, her dreams come true with the help of her Fairy Godmother. Performances take place at 7.30pm on Friday 16 December and 1pm and 6pm on Saturday 17 December. Each performance will raise much needed funds for local charities.
Tickets cost £10 for adults, £8 for children/concessions and £30 for a family ticket. Places are limited, so please book early to avoid disappointment! To book your tickets please contact the box office on 01732 359966.

Tonbridge Blog spat with Higgsworth continued....

2011-12-06T14:53:00.001Z

Good to see that the Courier gave Tonbridge Blog the right to reply after their self-styled curmegeonly columnist, Higgsworth, had a dig at Tonbridge Blog after I'd taken a rather tame side swipe at his writing efforts. Okay I did refer to it as "pointless" but only in passing and with my tongue firmly in my cheek. So there really was no need for him to diss this blog by saying that I "hurled spite and bilge." If I do it's always with good humour I'm sure you'll all agree. Anyway as I said in my letter to the KSC I actually intended no offence to Mr. H. as I do rather enjoy his weekly little rants. Here's the letter if you missed it:

Blogging can be a bit of a lonely experience at times. In fact often you don't always know who, if anyone, is reading it or, indeed, whether there's much point to it at all. So it's always nice to get feedback of any kind, this time, from the unlikely source of your Higgsworth column. A couple of weeks back I had a little side swipe at Mr. Higgsworth who had taken exception to my referring to his column as "pointless." It was only a light-hearted passing comment on my blog in a piece about my dislike for the way fireworks night has been stretched into weeks and weeks and I was actually referring to the curmudgeonly style I myself had adopted for this particular post which had made me sound a little like Higgsworth. It seems to have struck a bit of a raw nerve though with Mr. H. as he apears to have had a real go at Tonbridge Blog in his offering in the Courier last week, saying that TonbridgeBlog thrashes his keyboard to hurl "spite and bilge." Woah there Mr. H. no offence mate, calm down, because actually, in truth, I quite enjoy reading your weekly little rants and feel that there's probably a brighter personality just itching to get out of that self imposed curmudgeonly straight jacket! Let's meet up for a Christmas drink and I'll forgive you!

TonbridgeBlog

December Tonbridge Insider out now....

2011-12-06T11:59:00.000Z

Hope you've already received a copy of the new look Tonbridge Insider through your letterbox. There should be 5,000 copies dropping on door mats around about now but, if you don't get hold of your copy, then fear not. You can pick one up from a number of places including the Library, Mr. Books, various newsagents and other shops and sandwich bars. It's always worth a read, especially my bit of course!...

One for the kids of Tonbridge....

2011-12-03T14:23:00.001Z

Question: What goes "oh, oh, oh?"

Answer.... Santa walking backwards!

Question: How can a snowman lose weight?

Answer.... He waits till it gets warmer!

These and many more childrens jokes can be found on the Woodlands Junior School web site. (A word of warning though. Grown ups might find themselves chuckling as well!)

All I want for Christmas is to watch the Tonbridge Rock Choir....

2011-12-02T11:48:00.001Z

I wasn't able to make it along to the Christmas lights switch on last weekend but, having seen these clips of the Tonbridge Rock Choir, I wish I had been able to. Watch these and the others on YouTube if you want to get in the festive mood. The sound quality is just good enough to get the feeling of what it's like to see them live. Watching this and having watched Gareth Malone's South Oxhey revisited the other night on the telly makes me want to oil my vocal chords and get out there for a sing song. There's two things the Government can't take away from us during these times of austerity: Laughter and Singing. And they're both free!...

Tonbridge and Sevenoaks Street(un)wise...

2011-12-01T15:39:00.000Z

A new magazine just popped through my shop letter box. In fact the November and December issues both popped through at the same time. It's called Streetwise and, without wishing to be unkind, it just looks like a it's full of advertisements which are strung together with a load of nonsense editorial. I mean total nonsense; unfunny jokes and photos which have little or no value. It looks like a cynical way to tap the local advertising dollar. I do of course declare an interest in that I write a monthly page in The Tonbridge Insider but, really, that has nothing to do with my first impression of this rag. Surely content should count for something, a bit of relevant editorial here, a heart warming story about a local personality there. At least The Insider attempts to inform, educate and entertain a little doesn't it? Streetunwise could, and most probably does, have the same editorial (if you can call it that) in any other town. They are just repeating words to save costs and distribute it in as many unsuspecting towns as they can before they're found out. It has no relevance to Tonbridge or Seveenoaks at all. The magazine proclaims itself as "The Funny Little Local Mag." A pointless waste of paper is what I call it! It makes The News of the World look like Newsweek Magazine....

More on A Boards....

2011-11-30T11:17:00.001Z

Thanks very much for the anonymous comment yesterday tipping off traders that there is a new scheme called 'A Board Aware' which seems to be allowing businesses to use A Boards so long as they do so with consideration for pedestrians. It is particularly aimed at avoiding obstructions on the pavement for mothers with push chairs, wheel chair users and disabled people. Now that seems fair enough to me. I would say that my A Board has always complied with this new Kent County Council initiative so I do feel a little like I'm being forced to agree with the rather obvious. That said I suppose there's always that small minority of traders who just don't care about anyone else and will stick their board in the middle of the main A21 if they thought that they could get away with it. The vast majority of traders though are much more thoughtful citizens and are part of the community themselves; they probably have families themselves and, generally, would want to totally minimise obstruction of the pavement.

Anyway I've applied for my special window sticker that tells all my lovely customers that I'm on board with the A Board Aware scheme! I'm quite sure that they'll all feel much warmer towards me for that and spend even more of their hard earned cash in Mr. Books! If you're really interested, and I've no idea why most of you would be, then here's the email I sent to KCC Roadworks Licencing (yes it really does fall under their jurisdiction.)

"Hello, I've just found out about this excellent new scheme and would like to sign up to comply with the requirements of the scheme.

The A board to me, especially in the current difficult economic climate is an essential way of drawing people off the High Street and into my shop. I would go as far as to say that I would find it incredibly difficult to survive without one. I would always be responsible when placing the board on the pavement outside my shop being always mindful of pedestrians. In fact this is relatively easy for me, being on the corner of Bank Street where there is a very wide pavement at the apex of the junction with the High Street. I would never place the A board on the main thoroughfare of the pavement or public highway.

I would be delighted to display a window sticker demonstrating that I fully support the A Board Aware scheme. My business and contact details are below and please see pictures of my A Board in typical position,

Regards"

A-Boards on the High Street....

2011-11-29T13:07:00.000Z

I saw a lady out this morning taking photos of A-boards, you know: those wooden and metal swinging signs that stand outside shops and pubs. Was this a photography project of some sort I wondered to myself as I approached her, realising that I knew her. Perhaps she's building up a portfolio of the most interesting designs to put in her file, I thought. I didn't ask her what she was up to but she offered an explanation anyway. She was sick of seeing the boards the length of the High Street, getting in the way and ruining the look of the whole street. I was in too much of a hurry to get into a debate with her about this subject but felt like saying something and sort of wished I had; but that's the beauty of a blog you see: I can say it now! She had a go at the council and the Highways agency for not doing something about this appalling, asthetically unpleasing, sight, as she described it. It would be unkind for me to name this lady and I'm quite sure she meant very well but I have to say that it would be a bad time for the council to clamp down on this problem. You see A-boards are on the street for one reason only and that is to drum up business, to get the passer by to think: Oh I must go in there or Oh I never realised there was a cafe down there. Without these signs, mine included, many businesses probably would struggle even more to get people to stop and walk those few yards into their shops. I can of course see both sides of the argument, and businesses need to be careful when placing them on the street, but what would she rather see? A-boards along the street or a street full of empty shops for that is the stark choice facing us at the moment. It's not as if they're a new invention is it? They've been around as long as shops and Inns have. Time to get real I think....

The great lights turn off....

2011-11-29T12:44:00.000Z

Once again I had to miss the switching on of the Christmas lights down Tonbridge High Street. So I'm yet to see them in all their festive glory. My kids went along and reported back to me that they'd enjoyed the whole thing. The only question I have is: What's with the fireworks? I thought we'd had Guy Fawkes night and the preceding two months of fizzes, cracks and bangs that go with it these days. Did we really need any more? I know we all need a bit of Christmas cheer but I just don't get it with the fireworks all the time. Summer festival of music? Oh let's finish each night with a firework show and pollute the air over the town and wake up all the kids and disturb all the dogs in the town centre. Summer Carnival? Why of course they wouldn't be complete without more of the same! Christmas time, a time for rejoicing and Peace on Earth? Let's ruin it with yet more of them. Still at least the tax payer wasn't picking up the bill for it this time. What? What's that you say? The borough council paid for it out of their Leisure Services budget? Surely not in these times of austerity! It's just a shame that they can't get their priorities right and actually sort out the street lights at the north end of the town as well. It really is becoming pathetic now that a town like Tonbridge constantly has 6 or 7 lights not working on the short stretch between the Ivy House and the Big Bridge. Apparently they are, and I kid you not, the wrong type of bulbs! That is to say Kent County Council, who are responsible for the Highways (which includes street lighting) push the problem back to Tonbridge and Malling Borough Council because these lights are not the standard type and, because they're in the Conservation Area of the town KCC cannot replace the whole light. I know that Tonbridge Blog has moaned on about this before but it really does beggar belief that they can't sort this problem out between them. Lights are supposed to be for the whole year and not just for Christmas!...

Neighbourhood Watch....

2011-11-29T12:08:00.000Z

Don't be caught out like the gravelly voiced TV presenter Mariella Frostrup was recently when she innocently (so she says) placed 2 pampass grass plants on the balcony of her London home. What's the problem with that you might well ask? Well you should perhaps be aware, as Ms. Frostrup apparently wasn't, that pampass grass is the national symbol for swingers! So if you spot any houses in you neighbourhood with these wonderfully flamboyant plants growing in their front gardens you now know the possible reason. Quite a few growing in Hildenborough when I last drove that way. Well there's not much else to do out there!...

Trains through Tonbridge....

2011-11-24T14:51:00.000Z

If the previous YouTube clip from local rapper, Danny Who, was just too much for you then you can always calm your nerves down by watching this train clip. It's a video of, well, a train passing through Tonbridge station. It seems to me that every other YouTube clip of Tonbridge is a train passing through Tonbridge Station. I'm afraid I just don't get this train spotting thing. I'm not trying to knock someone's hobby here but really, what is the point? Aren't trains just, pretty much, all the same these days? Now steam trains, that's a different matter. Now you're talking!...

Welcome to Tonbridge....

2011-11-24T14:40:00.000Z

Local rapper Danny Who's Welcome to Tonbridge has over 32,000 hits on YouTube making it one of the most watched clips of anything on the site relating to our town. Is it social comment or is it just a bit of a rap rant? I'll let you decide....

Even Barbers Feeling the Cuts....

2011-11-24T13:25:00.001Z

Is it economic doom and gloom everywhere and all around us or are the green shoots of recovery beginning to push through? On the news Philip Green is explaining why his BHS, Burton, Evans etc. clothing group are suffering a profits downfall of 38%. Also in the news only yesterday it was feared that 150 year old travel agents, Thomas Cook, a name almost synonymous with package holidays, might be in deep doo doo. Shares plummeted on the stock market and people feared the worst. Closer to home I'm certainly finding it tougher than ever this year as people tighten their belts, shops close left right and centre as their leases run out and the shopkeepers think: what's the point! I've just had a conversation with a barber who is finding things very slow at the moment. Now you wouldn't think that barbers would be suffering would you? Sales of up market hair care products yes maybe but just getting your barnet cut? Surely people don't stop doing that do they? Well it seems that even looking good has to go by the wayside as people decide to delay that trim just another couple of weeks. I notice that even David Beckham is growing his hair longer and slicking it back so maybe even Becks is feeling the pinch! Can things get any worse? But cheer up everyone it is nearly Christmas....

Text: Murder....

2011-11-23T14:50:00.001Z

A local author by the name of George Wensley has just brought his book in to ask me if I'd like to stock it in my shop. It's a murder mystery, based in Eastbourne, called Text: Murder and, from what I've read so far, looks as if it's well worth a read. It occurred to me after my discussion with George that maybe Tonbridge book groups should support local authors more often. It would be an excellent way to get the book reviewed and, if the book is any good, word would spread to others in the town and beyond. Maybe feedback could be published on TonbridgeBlog for all to see. That way if the book is any good it may not be overlooked as is very often the case. Not a bad thought really. The book is available at Mr. Books, naturally, priced £7.99 instead of the RRP price of £12.99. If you're quick you can have the only signed copy in the shop....

Civic Society Talk tonight....

2011-11-22T13:23:00.000Z

TonbridgeBlog is looking forward to going down to the Angel Centre tonight for a Closer Look at Old Tonbridge. The Civic Society are hosting a talk by Pat Hopcroft and Anthony Wilson, of Tonbridge Historical Society, who will tell us about what the town used to be like and show us some photographs of Tonbridge which we don't usually get to see. The Hist Soc have written many authoritative books about our dear town down the ages and TBlog hears that they may be planning another one. Go along tonight and you may well find out more. Non members are usually welcomed for a small charge on the night. This will be my first TCS talk of the new season but, since I'm a member, I won't have to fork out. There's free tea or coffee and biccies and some excellent company. The show starts at 8pm with refreshments from 7-30pm. You can see the society's full programme of talks on their web site....

Speed Cameras: A Fair Cop?

2011-11-22T12:23:00.001Z

I've only ever been nicked for speeding once before. I was coming back down the hill from Frant into Tunbridge Wells about seven years ago and didn't spot the speed camera sign, didn't slow down quick enough, saw the flash in my rear view mirror and thought: "It's a fair cop!" A few days later the official looking letter arrived from Sussex Police, with photographic evidence and I paid up without much of a moan. Last week, driving back from Uckfield and Crowborough, I had a really easy, pleasant little trip and didn't think very much of the journey at all. Clear roads, a little foggy with sunshine breaking through from what I remember. So imagine my surprise then when, a few days later, I got another little official looking letter from Sussex Police with those dreaded words "Notification of Intended Prosecution" Apparently I'd been clocked doing 53 in a 40 zone through Eridge Green! No photos were sent to back up the allegation, I have to request them in writing. I can't recall the incident at all, I can't say I noticed anything unusual in that area, I didn't nearly cause an accident, I don't consider that I was in any way driving dangerously that day. In fact quite the reverse, I'm pretty sure that I'm a considerate, careful, experienced driver. I don't feel that I've been taught any lesson, other than perhaps to always drive like a learner in Sussex, since I didn't realise I'd committed a crime. I always get the feeling that the emphasis of GATSO speed cameras is to catch you out after the event; far more effective for me are those signs which light up in front of you to tell you that you're speeding and to slow down. They work for me and make me do just that. Speed cameras just make you feel resentment and frustration. Yes I know that if I'd driven slower then I wouldn't have got a ticket but I can't be the only one left feeling cheated by this experience. I think I'll stick to riding my bike, I can go as fast as I like, it keeps me fit and it hardly costs a penny....

I don't want to sound uncharitable but....

2011-11-19T16:38:00.001Z

One interesting piece in the local papers this week and also in the national news, thanks in no small part to Government retail "Csarina" Mary Portas, is the whole question of how many charity shops should be tolerated in Britain's High Streets. The Queen of Shops, Ms Portas, seems to be putting a strong case forward for their numbers being limited so that the High Street can breath more easily and be potentially more appealing to more upmarket retailers and customers instead of being, half boarded up, no-go areas. Now, I'm not suggesting Tonbridge has become that but, let's face it: it isn't what it once was. Question is: can this practicably be achieved? Is there even a problem? Shouldn't market forces just determine their number? Maybe, in the current economic climate there just wouldn't be any other business people willing to risk taking out leases and all the other costs involved in shop fitting and setting up the a business. But should charities be given preferential treatment on rates and, in many cases, rents when there are non-charity businesses trying to compete for the same shop units. It's my understanding that many landlords actually quite like charities being in their properties because these organisations are perceived as fairly safe bets being, often, national or global businesses with many other similar successful shops in other towns. In effect they are proven success stories. On the other side of the coin though you might take a longer term view and say that the increased numbers of charity shops, and Tonbridge has 12 in the town centre by my reckoning, is blighting once vibrant High Streets, which had a broad range of traditional shops, and driving many shoppers to other nearby towns where charity shops melt into the background because there's a much wider choice of other shops. Being a retailer myself in the town I am up against some charity shops who have far better locations than my shop, an army of volunteers (Oxfam aims for 40 so it has been reported) professional shop fitters, retail analysts and experienced managers all at their disposal. Fair competition? Oh and they also get free stock! It's difficult to argue against charity shops without sounding, well, uncharitable but it is tough at times to compete with them. However, like most small business owners who love what they do, I personally will keep going for as long as I possibly can, until the bitter end if necessary. It does seem though somewhat ironic that many of these charities seem to have much deeper pockets than the businesses they might be helping to drive away. It will be interesting to see the reaction to Mary P's report when it comes out and to see whether anything actually changes....

PS. The 12 Charity shops in Tonbridge are, in no particular order: Bridge Trust, Hospice in Weald, Scope, British Heart Foundation, Help the Aged, Oxfam Books, Shelter, Mencap, Hospice of Hope, YMCA, Barnardos and the Tamworth Childrens Hospice.

Throwing stones in my glass house....

2011-11-18T13:07:00.000Z

Blogging can be a bit of a lonely experience at times. In fact often you don't always know who, if anyone, is reading it or, indeed, whether there's much point to it at all; most of the comments left tend to be of the negative variety which, I suppose, is because it's alot easier to moan about stuff than it is to say positive things. So it's always nice to get feedback of any kind, this time, from an unlikely source. A week or so ago I had little side swipe at our dear friend Higgsworth at the Courier who took exception to my referring to his column as "pointless." It was only a passing comment in a piece about my dislike for the way fireworks night has stretched into weeks. It seems to have struck a bit of a raw nerve though with Mr. H. as he mentions Tonbridge Blog in this week's offering in a none too favourable light. No offence mate, calm down there, because actually, in truth, I quite enjoy reading your weekly little rants and feel that there's probably a brighter personality just itching to get out of that self imposed curmudgeonly straight jacket!...

Exclusive: Olympic Torch coming to Tonbridge and Malling....

2011-11-17T12:21:00.002Z

It seems that Tonbridgeblog was wrong. Yes I know that's hard to believe but, on this occasion, I'll have to hold my hands up and admit it. The Olympic Torch, so I'm reliably informed will after all be coming to the borough of Tonbridge and Malling. Oh yes, on 20th July 2012, you'll be able to witness the historic, symbollic flame. But don't get the bunting and party hats out just yet for, unless you happen to be a resident of Borough Green, or have very strong binoculars, then you still won't be seeing it in your town. The torch will be winding its way through the village on it's way to Seal and Sevenoaks and still won't come within ten miles of Tonbridge. Yep I reckon that calls for another one of those DLT moments: Quack, quack oops!...

(PS. For younger readers of this blog DLT was what Radio One dj Dave Lee Travis used to call himself. On his morning show he used a number of sound effects like the quack, quack oops, trumpets and other devices to achieve a humorous effect. Or at least so he thought. I once saw DLT live and he came on stage dressed as Darth Vader so you sort of get the idea of the size of the man's ego. To say that he thought highly of himself is an understatement and would be a bit like saying Hitler had rather strong views!)

War Memorial Deserves Better....

2011-11-15T15:53:00.001Z

I don't want this to sound in any way uncharitable or disrespectful to our war dead or people who are serving their country and risking their lives right now. I have nothing but the deepest admiration and respect for them and I really mean that. But I can't help thinking that the plans, as pictured in the Kent and Sussex Courier last weekend, for the refurbished war memorial in Tonbridge costing around £250,000 could be improved upon. The artist's impression looks for all the world like they're just going to cut the grass, clean up the pavement areas and trim the hedges. Unless that cost includes years worth of ongoing repairs and maintenance how is that a quarter of a million quid well spent? Our war dead deserve better than this token effort....

Free Parking in Tonbridge??..

2011-11-15T15:11:00.000Z

Tunbridge Wells car parks already charge on a Sunday and, according to a local press report last week, they are considering doing the same into the evening. If you're reading this Tonbridge and Malling Borough Council: DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!!!! It's enough of a problem putting off potential customers for traders in busier, more vibrant town centres and that Tonbridge definitely is not. In fact I'd say that there's a substantial argument why Tonbridge should have free parking reintroduced most days, at least for the first two hours, if our council is serious about encouraging shoppers here. At the moment why would they come apart from for essentials when they can park free at Bluewater for nothing, catch a train to London, park free in Paddock Wood or pay similar charges with much more choice in Tunbridge Wells? Is it the job of the council to milk shoppers dry, impose ridiculous fines, discourage trade and therefore traders from doing business in the town? The answer to that has to be a resounding NO! Please take a long term view on this TMBC, forget about short term gains in revenue, before there are no shops left to save....

Tonbridge Goes Cheesy Crackers....

2011-11-15T13:22:00.003Z

This looks like the right place Grommit!

The Tonbridge Farmers Market on Sunday was fantastic. The weather helped as hundreds of people gathered around the sixty or so stalls. Ten of those stalls had come especially since it was Cheese Day at the market. I couldn't believe my fromage-loving eyes when I was confronted with all manner of the fermented curd from farms all over Kent and some from further afield. Wonderful stuff and, to cap it all, Wallace and Grommit came along to join in. That Wallace does like his Wensleydale you know! And so do I and bought about a months supply of different ones while I was there. Other than cheese there were all manner of other tasty treats from pickles and chutneys (anyone know the difference?) Kent apples and pears, meat, fish, beers, wine, cider, breads, chillies, sweets, cakes, olive oils, I could go on and on. In short it was a foodies' delight. There's even a covered food area where you can sit and enjoy your produce or try some hot food from the many stalls around that area serving everything from crepes to pork and apple burgers. Yummy! Just one slight complaint though: no crackers for sale anywhere. Not so much as a Jacobs cream one in sight! Despite this I'll still be back every month without fail. The market takes place every second Sunday of the month and is worth putting in your diary....

Do you think we ought to seize this bottle of cider Sarge?!

Crepes: A little French touch to the market

I want to buy some cheese!...

2011-11-12T15:34:00.002Z

And don't forget that the Tonbridge Farmers Market is tomorrow, that's Sunday, at the very genteel time of 9-30 to 1pm. So you could even have a bit of a lie in and still be able to get down there at a reasonable time. There'll be lots of produce left whatever time you arrive as there are over 50 stalls there. It really is like a food festival and well worth a visit if you haven't been already. I'm particularly looking forward to it because I think tomorrow is "cheese day" and I simply love the stuff. From the single most popular cheese in the world, Cheddar to Cheshire, Wensleydale, Brie, Roquefort , Port Salut, Danish Blue, Red Leicester, Lord of the Hundreds Sheeps Cheese, Goats Cheese, Danish Blue, Gorgonzola you name it I'll eat it. In fact that rather reminds me of that famous Monty Python Sketch, one of their best ever. I remember a mate way back in my Sixth Form days who once recited the whole sketch from start to finish. Some feat I can tell you. If you, like me, have fond memories of that sketch you can read about it and see a full list of the cheeses here or even see it on YouTube here Otherwise just go to the market tomorrow and taste a few for yourself....

Angel Centre Events....

2011-11-12T12:35:00.000Z

....And here's the list of the other events and meetings coming up at the Angel Centre soon. Okay it makes pretty boring reading but useful nonetheless. I wonder what they do at the Gassers and Rubber Fanciers Club. The mind boggles but I'm told it's all very innocent and they stand around talking about miniature planes and modelling. (A likely story!)

REGULAR EVENTS - MEETINGS, CLUBS & SOCIETIES
Tonbridge Modern Sequence Dance Club meets weekly on Monday and Thursday at 10am in the Medway Hall - beginners welcome.
Weight Watchers sessions take place every Tuesday at 12.45pm and 6.15pm in the Jubilee Room. Contact 08457 123000 for more information.
Blood Donors Session will take place in the Medway Hall on Thursday 17 November and 29 December. For further information contact the National Blood Transfusion Service on 0845 771 1711.
Tonbridge U3A Meetings held in the Medway Hall at 2pm on the first Wednesday of every month. Next meeting on 4 January, speaker Edward Perry - Presentation on "Food." For further information visit http://angelcentre.us2.list-manage.com/track/click?u=d0a2e25d89396abb14c533532&id=9aa4d8f0e7&e=c7037b3930.
Tonbridge Flower Arrangement Club will meet on Wednesday 23 November and Wednesday 8 December at 2.15pm. New members welcome.
Tonbridge Civic Society will be held on Tuesday 22 November, speaker Pat Hopcroft & Anthony Wilson - "A closer look at old Tonbridge." The following meeting on Tuesday 13 December, speaker Pat Mortlock - "A Country House Christmas." Meetings are held in the Riverside Lounge at 8pm, for more information visit http://angelcentre.us2.list-manage.com/track/click?u=d0a2e25d89396abb14c533532&id=41f8ec79f2&e=c7037b3930.
Tonbridge Decorative & Fine Arts Society Meetings held monthly at 2.30pm in the Medway Hall - new members always welcome. On Thursday 24 November - 'Gourmet art? Cheers!" Meeting on Thursday 26 January - David Roberts - "Artists Extraordinary." For further information contact 01732 884728 or visit http://angelcentre.us2.list-manage1.com/track/click?u=d0a2e25d89396abb14c533532&id=b51331c4d4&e=c7037b3930.
The Society of Friends Meetings will take place on Sunday 20 November and Sunday 18 December in the Vauxhall Room. For further information contact Mrs Heydecker on 01732 365781.
Tonbridge Townswomen's Guild - The next meeting will be held on Wednesday 14 December from 10am to 12 noon. The Guild meet on the second Wednesday of each month, new members always welcome. For further details contact Mrs Knight-Smith on 01732 361751.
North Tonbridge Flower Arrangers Meetings will be held on Thursday 24 November and Thursday 8 December - 7.45pm for 8pm.
Tonbridge Gassers & Rubbers Fanciers Meetings will be held on Saturday 26 November and Saturday 28 January 2012.
Tonbridge Historical Society Next meeting on Thursday 8 December, speaker Raksha Dave - "Behind the scenes at Time Team." For further information please visit http://angelcentre.us2.list-manage1.com/track/click?u=d0a2e25d89396abb14c533532&id=ac6b684500&e=c7037b3930.
Line Dancing Friday at 1.30pm and 7pm. For more information contact Mary on 01892 538322.
Zumba Classes held each Monday from 8pm to 9pm and 6.30pm to 7.30pm for Zumba Gold, please contact Nicky on 01892 616123 or 07761 481544. Email nicky.zumba@btinternet.com.
Little Kickers Football Training Classes take place on Sunday morning at 10am for children aged 18 months to 4.5 years. For further information please call 0208 4320982 or visit http://angelcentre.us2.list-manage1.com/track/click?u=d0a2e25d89396abb14c533532&id=30e75d9c80&e=c7037b3930.
FAIRS, SALES & EVENTS
Friday Fleamarket - takes place weekly from 8am to 1pm in the Medway Hall. Contact Mrs Carmichael 01732 456196 for further information or to book a stall.
Kids & Kaboodles Nearly New Sale - Saturday 19 November & 25 February. Newly new sale for boys and girls from birth to 7 years old. Held on the last Saturday of every month from 2pm to 3.30pm. For bookings and further sale information please visit http://angelcentre.us2.list-manage.com/track/click?u=d0a2e25d89396abb14c533532&id=ac8b022109&e=c7037b3930.
Area Planning Meeting - Thursday 24 November at 7.30pm in the Riverside Lounge.
Antiques & Collectors Fair - Sunday 27 November from 10am to 4pm. For more details contact Mrs Fuller on 01732 463575.
Senior Citizens Christmas Party - Thursday 15 December from 2pm to 5pm. This popular event includes live entertainment from local band More Tea Vicar, a Christmas tea with sherry, chocolates and hot drinks, plus a fabulous raffle which will be drawn by the Deputy Mayor of Tonbridge and Malling Councillor David Davis.
The party, which this year has been sponsored by local company Fidelity Worldwide Investments and organised by Angel Centre staff, is guaranteed to get all who attend in the festive mood! Tickets cost just £2.50 per person but, with only 250 places available, please book early to avoid disappointment by calling the box office on 01732 359966.
Cinderella - Friday 16 & Saturday 17 December Presented by Tonbridge Lions Club and produced by Clips Theatre Company, Cinderella tells the story of a young girl whose life is made a misery by her ugly sisters and wicked stepmother until, in true panto style, her dreams come true with the help of her Fairy Godmother. Performances take place at 7.30pm on Friday 16 December and 1pm and 6pm on Saturday 17 December. Each performance will raise much needed funds for local charities.
Tickets cost £10 for adults, £8 for children/concessions and £30 for a family ticket. Places are limited, so please book early to avoid disappointment! To book your tickets please contact the box office on 01732 359966.

What's on at the Angel Cinema...

2011-11-12T12:29:00.000Z

And just to show you that I do care about cinema in Tonbridge as well as T. Wells and Sevenoaks here's the listing (what there is of it) from the Angel Centre....

ANGEL CINEMA

Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy (15) - Wednesday 30 November/Thursday 1 December - 4.45pm (ends 7.15pm) & 7.45pm (ends 10.15pm). Tickets can be purchased on the day or booked in advance by calling the Box Office - 01732 359966.

The next film(s) will be shown on Tuesday 10 and 11 January - programme to be confirmed.

Rum Diary....

2011-11-12T11:20:00.000Z

In the absence of Tonbridge having a cinema or an arts centre I was forced once again last night to venture over the hills to Sevenoaks Stag theatre and community arts thingy or whatever they call it. I wanted to see the new Johny Depp film Rum Diary which turned out to be an excellent choice. I'm not a huge fan of him as Captain Jack Sparrow but as Paul Kemp in this latest movie he shows himself as a very versatile actor. It's funny, full of philosophical one liners, dark and depressing in places, uplifting in others. The story, from what I can gather, is a little known one by Hunter S Thompson, an LSD taking, heavy drinking award winning journalist and cult novelist who died a few years ago and to whom the film is dedicated. It's a partly auto- biographical account of Puerto Rico in 1960 from the point of view of an idealistic, but Rum soaked, journalist working on a failing corrupt newspaper, played by Depp. It probably isn't everyone's cup of tea but I certainly enjoyed it. It's on at the Odeon as well if you prefer the comfort and large car park of that place but I'm growing rather fond on the, ever so slightly seedy, Stag Theatre with it's excellent screen and soft wide seats with lots of leg room. The pop corn is only £1.50 a large tub for salty or buttery which also helps!...

P'd Off with the PO!...

2011-11-12T10:55:00.000Z

I was in a rush this morning to open up my shop. You see, even though I'm the boss and there's only me there, I still have a strong work ethic and want to get there on time. So imagine how delighted I was to see the queue at the main Post Office snaking almost out the door this morning. I had no choice really but to wait in line and take my turn. I've moaned about this in the past but I'll do it again and again until they do more to prevent it. It just isn't good enough to see 2 open out of a possible eight counters. Did they not realise that it's Saturday morning and more people are around to go about their business? After a few minutes, to give them their dues, two more clerks arrived (they probably call themselves sales consultants these days.) They ambled up to their counters stoney faced and with all the enthusiasm of a group of people on Death Row who'd just heard that the Governor's final decision was not what they'd hoped to hear! Then there was a man with bags full of change and all sorts of forms he needed help with which you can't complain about since that's partly what the PO is for. There was an annoying woman who had all the time in the world doing what looked like her Christmas cards (in November for Christ's sake?!) Even when she'd finished she was happy to stand and chat to the assistant. Again that's up to her, a bit inconsiderate perhaps, but still no real complaints. The chap serving though should have had the presence of mind to very politely ask her to stand aside so that he could serve one of the other thirty or so customers who by this time were seething in the queue behind. So instead of arriving at my shop in the nick of time I arrived twenty minutes late quite utterly P'd Off. They simply need more staff and better training at the PO that much is clear. While they're at it why not reopen some of the half a dozen sub Post Offices they've seen fit to close in the last few years....

Christmas comes early to Tonbridge....

2011-11-11T15:39:00.004Z

I've been sent the details of Tonbridge Christmas Festival events coming up soon by those lovely people at Tonbridge and Malling Borough Council Leisure Services and it looks like we're in for a right old treat. It'll mostly be happening on a stage near the Big Bridge a bit like last year's. And, of course there'll be lights being switched on, bands playing, finished off with a gigantic fireworks display over the Castle. (It's a wonder that building has survived at all these last thousand years!)
There's even a fun fair with white knuckle rides and all sorts of stalls and treats from Friday November 25th right across the weekend. Then on Sunday 27th at 5 pm Mayor Brian "Whiskers" Luker will be switching on the lights helped by a load of jokers from a local Panto (well it's a tough thing to do on your own you know!) There'll be fun and games before that even with Carol singers at 2pm and musical entertainment before and after the lights. Can't wait.... Full details HERE

More on The Tonbridge Insider....

2011-11-08T13:54:00.000Z

It seems that the Tonbridge Insider will indeed live on through its new owner, John Dickerson. I've just had a chat with him and he seems really switched on and has quite a few ideas to make the magazine more eyecatching and prominent. I must say that the feedback I've been getting of late has been very positive indeed so it would have been a real shame to see it go down just when it seemed to have turned a corner. John tells me that he is upping the circulation so that most of Tonbridge should get a copy through their door. If you don't receive one you can always read it online as a virtual magazine. I'm also pleased to say that the Tonbridge Log column will live on in the Insider. You won't find it in the November issue but I better get writing though as he needs copy for the December issue asap. Damn it what'll I write this time? I'm sure I'll think of something!...

Tonbridge Events....

2011-11-08T12:56:00.000Z

If anyone has any social events they'd like to advertise then click on the comments box below to tell the folk of Tonbridge all about it. It won't take long and you are potentially reaching at least four people who live in the town (actually quite a few more than that)....

Forget, Forget the 5th of November....

2011-11-08T12:30:00.001Z

Sorry to start the week sounding like a curmudgeon, after all I wouldn't want to end up sounding like that Higgsworth chap who writes that pointless column for the Courier every week, but I'll admit it I'm glad that Bonfire Night is over. There I've said it. As a lad I was never over keen on fireworks but at least then they had a certain novelty value since most experiences are fresh when you're growing up. With time fireworks have got bigger, brighter and increasingly loud so I suppose that should have kept my interest levels up. In recent years though I've just grown bored of them and wish they'd just, well, fizzle out. You can hear them from mid October onwards banging away, whirring and crackling until, by November 5th, they have virtually no impact because we've all had both ears full for nearly a month. I wouldn't mind it so much if it was just kept to the night itself. This year there was no excuse since the 5th actually fell on a Saturday and, despite the weather forecast, turned out to be a lovely clear, gently moonlit night. (So why ruin it with a load of unnecessary explosions some might say!) I'd have settled for that though and might even have enjoyed watching them for three minutes or so from the safe and free viewing point of my kitchen window. But oh no! They went on into Sunday and then even last night a few pops and whizzes and bangs could be heard across Tonbridge. Fireworks might be a bit of traditional fun for some but, I suspect, they've become yet another excuse to have a party and get drunk for many more people who probably aren't even aware of the religious discriminatory history attached to the night. (although I think they still burn an effigy of the Pope in Lewes every year so it ought to be pretty obvious!) Let's face it they are unnecessary, polluting, dangerous, smoke inducing, hazardous, annoying and many other descriptive words of that nature. Can't we just have a year when we forget them altogether?!..

Tonbridge misses out on Olympic Torch route....

2011-11-08T11:54:00.000Z

I note from press reports yesterday that it's estimated that 95% of the country will see the Olympic torch as it passes through hundreds of towns and villages up and down the land. It's going up and down mountains in the Highlands, it's crossing water in the Lake District, it's travelling on a chair lifts over the Needles on the Isle of Wight, it's abseiling down the Dock Tower in Grimsby, it's coming through Tunbridge Wells, and on to Maidstone, Seal and Sevenoaks. Is it coming through Tonbridge though? Is it heck! By the look of it it's another missed opportunity....

The Tonbridge Insider Lives on....

2011-11-03T12:03:00.001Z

I've kept it under my hat until now but the future of The Tonbridge Insider was looking pretty bleak for a while but now, so I'm reliably informed, it has found a buyer to take over and continue the publication in it's current format. Hopefully the change-over will be fairly seamless so you'll still see lots of information about local activities, clubs and events every month. It would have been a shame to see it go down the pan as it is Tonbridge's only stand alone publication. The Courier tries to pretend to represent the town but, really, how can it, being based in Tunbridge Wells and with all those other towns and villages in its catchment area? It has to try to please all but probably never quite pleases anyone. Then there's the Kent Messenger which, as far as I can see, hardly anyone in Tonbridge buys. That's a shame since actually, if you go back only a few decades, the Kent Messenger was the Tonbridge Free Press or at least the TFP morphed into the KM. So Tonbridge Blog happens to think that the Tonbridge Insider is an important publication for the town and I wish the new owners success with it (with or without my services.) Part of that future success, and a reason for its near demise, will be dependent on the number and quality of the advertisers it attracts. I thought that, despite the recession, the magazine had turned the corner on that score but maybe it just wasn't happening quite quick enough to make it commercially viable. So, if you have an advertising budget and you want to attract very local customers, The Insider should be an important consideration. Tonbridge Blog might be another possibility since it attracts the same kind of audience online. In fact without even trying this blog has started to carry several commercial links, google ads and the odd advertorial for local businesses due to its having built up a sizeable audience. But for Tonbridge Blog that's just an extra bonus; for the Insider it's their lifeblood. Without the advertisers the magazine just can't exist....

Local matters....

2011-11-02T10:38:00.000Z

Let readers of Tonbridge Blog know about any local issues, local gossip or maybe just get something off your chest. Just click on the comment box below and say what's on your mind....

Let's have a Community Arts Centre in Tonbridge please....

2011-11-01T16:38:00.000Z

Went to see that new Woody Allen film Midnight in Paris on Friday night. I'd heard it was Woody back to his best and so it proved. It was excellent at least, not sure it could beat Annie Hall or Manhattan though but that's beside the point. Leading man, Owen Wilson, was so convincing as the successful, yet unfulfilled, neurotic screen writer that he may as well have been Woody Allen himself thirty years ago. Just a shame I had to go all the way to the Stag Theatre in Sevenoaks to see it! To use the correct name that should be The Stag Community Arts Centre. Sounds like a good place to me so why can't Tonbridge have one? I've never been to the Angel Centre Cinema so I can't comment on the screen and sound quality. I'd love to see up to date films there so put some on and people will go. The next showing at the Angel seems to be Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy on November 30th which sounds great but why so infrequently?...

The Last Bookshop film update....

2011-10-29T13:40:00.000+01:00

Some regular readers of Tonbridge Blog may recall my mentioning that Mr. Books shop was used as a set for part of the independently produced short film, The Last Bookshop, which is a fictional, surreal and humorous, with-a-serious-edge, account of life when the internet has completely taken over and books have all but been forgotten about. It seems like an age since the film crew turned up at my humble little shop, which was one of a handful of bookshops they used in the making of the film last winter, and still the final version isn't out yet. I understand from the production company's blog that they would like to air The Last Bookshop on the internet (which in itself is a little ironic!) but they are embargoed from doing so because of the entry requirements of most film festivals. Personally I'm very much looking forward to seeing the film, not least because Mr. Books is actually featured so I wish they'd just get on with it and invite me to the premiere! It sounds like a worthwhile and innovative project and I wish the team great success with it. Have a look here at their blog if you want to find out more and to read some of their interesting thoughts about the book trade....

Up above the streets and houses....

2011-10-28T11:39:00.000+01:00

I managed to whip out my camera phone whilst biking to work the other day to bring you this picture which I've called "Rainbow Over Tonbridge." Okay it's not that creative a title but it's simple and it is what it says! Just below the line of the trees, right over in the far distance, at the very end of the rainbow is the pot of gold. I cycled towards it that day for hours and hours but was never quite able to reach it. One day perhaps!...

Who was Shakespeare?....

2011-10-26T11:59:00.002+01:00

Ever since I opened Mr. Books about six or so years ago every so often an old fellow pops his head in the door of the shop and starts talking to me about Shakespeare and how it's his belief that the man history credits with writing the timeless great plays wasn't actually the real author. He goes on and on (and on) about how it was probably one of about three or four diffferent men, all of them of noble birth. My customer, Michael, expresses that his favoured candidate is one William Drayton who happens to be his distant direct ancestor. He does rant on a bit, well okay then alot, but I've always suspected that he wasn't just slightly crazy and hoped that he did actually know what he was going on a about. Certainly, from what little I knew on the subject, I understood that there was at least a grain of truth in his argument. It wasn't the first time the subject had been debated. Now they've only gone and brought a film out about the subject haven't they. Anonymous, which premiered yesterday, postulates that the man William Shakespeare was just an actor, and an illiterate one at that, the real playwright actually having been Edward De Vere, Earl of Oxford. So maybe my slightly barking mad customer Michael Drayton isn't so far off the mark. Trouble is, whilst there's no concrete proof that Shakespeare was Shakespeare of Stratford Upon Avon, or for that matter Shakspere or Shakes- peare, equally there's no hard evidence that it was De Vere or Drayton, Christopher Marlowe or someone else. The debate will go on probably forever but the film is, by all accounts, well worth watching....

More quotes....

2011-10-25T15:31:00.000+01:00

Another installation at Margate's Turner Contemporary gallery. Art or just a load of T-shirts with quotes on them stuck on a wall?...

We'll 'ave a day down Margate: Turner Contemporary

2011-10-25T15:24:00.002+01:00

Turner Gallery or Lok n Store?

Macho Football culture with a twist!

What's this hoodie holding?

On Sunday I visited somewhere I was meaning to go to all summer: The Turner Contemporary art gallery in Margate. My first time in the town and it was a beautiful day. the first impression of Margate as you drive in off the M2 is of a run down Victorian resort in huge need of a facelift. At the Gateway to the sea front is the vile 1960s block of flats. Had it been in Tonbridge I feel confident, if not absolutely certain, that the local Civic Society would never have allowed it to be built. It truely is a blot on the landscape if ever I saw one. That said the bay itself, particularly on a sunny day such as last Sunday, looks very beautiful and, if you squint a little, quite idyllic! The art gallery itself is housed in a purpose built and very modern looking building in- keeping with the works of art themselves. Some might say that the building is just a little too contemporary and functional looking and might even be confused with a storage depot or a supermarket distribution centre or something along those lines. I'm sure the committee which made the decision thought it through and that there's a perfectly sound artistic reason for the way it looks! Whatever you think about the architecture of the outside of the building you cannot fail to be impressed by the contents of the gallery itself. After all that is the main point of going there. At the very least many of the works are thought provoking and inspirational. The current exhibition, Nothing in the World But Youth, is all about Youth as the title suggests. A celebration of the multi-sided complexities of teenage life, a look at the confusion and developing inquisitive minds of the young person and a deep focus on the darkness, joys, depressions, violence and anxieties of the young mind. All of course expressed in a multitude of ways through paintings, sound, video, photography, sculpture and you name it. It works on many levels. If you're middle aged like me (God I think it's the first time I've admitted to being that!) you can recognise the imagery and the feelings represented, perhaps even reminisce. If you're young, and therefore the subject matter of the exhibition, then (if you can even be bothered) you'll see it all from a totally different angle and some of it will stick in your mind and inspire you. You may not even realise it has but it probably will. I know that to some readers this may all sound a tad pretentious or even art farty but, you know what, sometimes that's not such a bad thing. Oh, and if you're a fan of more traditional art, then there are several original paintings by Turner (as you might expect, being named after him) and then there's Rodin's Kiss, if you like that sort of thing! which is there on loan for six months. They don't let you take photos but I managed to smuggle a few out for you to enjoy. Other than the cockles and whelks and the fish n chips I can't think of a better reason to drive the hour and a half to Margate. Treat yourselves to a bit of culture and sea air without the same old train journey into London....

My sister's bedroom from the 1970s

Not a bad effort by Rodin!

Quote of the week....

2011-10-25T10:08:00.001+01:00

Watching Stephen Fry's excellent TV programme "Planet Word" over the weekend, which this week was all about the written word, I was struck by one quote on the wall of a featured American bookshop which kind of sums up the whole spendour of the book in its physical form. I'm not sure that you could apply the same thoughts to a Kindle or other such electronic device:

“Books are the carriers of civilization. Without books, history is silent, literature dumb, science crippled, thought and speculation at a standstill. Without books, the development of civilization would have been impossible. They are engines of change (as the poet said), windows on the world and lighthouses erected in the sea of time. They are companions, teachers, magicians, bankers of the treasures of the mind.
Books are humanity in print.” ― Barbara W. Tuchman

Most Horrible House in Tonbridge....

2011-10-21T11:42:00.000+01:00

I see from reading the Slade Area Residents Association newsletter (always a treat!) that they will be holding their annual Halloween competition. I love the way the community around this area of Tonbridge get into the spirit (geddit) of things. The basic idea is that people dress and light up their houses with ghoolish and scarey things. Prizes are given out, at the judges discretion, for the most "Horrible Houses!" So if you're of a nervous disposition steer clear of the old, some say haunted, part of town next Monday night. Get your competition forms from head witch Kathie Foster Smith!...

Oh me oh my!...

2011-10-20T11:36:00.001+01:00

It looked like a giant bird in the sky but, my gosh, you wouldn't want it coming down on your roof would you?! This hot air balloon stopped me in my tracks cycling home from work last week. It looked like it was about to make an emergency landing on the girls grammar school fields, at the top of Deakin Leas, but I believe it went on to land safely in the Sportground Park. It made quite an exciting end to my day though and I was able to whip out my trusty Sony Eriksson camera phone to capture this shot for you....

Book Fair done and dusted....

2011-10-18T15:03:00.001+01:00

Alice in Wonderland: One of the many wonderful pop up books on display at the fair

If you missed the West Kent Book Fair, held at Tonbridge School on Sunday then you missed a treat, especially if you are a book collector but even if you're not. There were books on display and on sale on every subject imaginable with prices ranging from 20 pence to about £5,000. There were paperbacks, childrens board books, first edition novels, many signed rare books and, my favourite of the day, a huge table covered with the most weird and wonderful pop up books. The fair was well attended by both dealers and serious book collectors and, rather encouragingly, by casual visitors who were curious or just happened to be passing by. The nice weather certainly helped to attract at least 300 people along. Most of the booksellers who exhibited seemed to be going away happy at the end of the day's trading so, with a bit of luck they'll all be back next year. As for me, from an organiser's point of view, I was very pleased with the whole day but it's always good to get it out of the way. It's almost certainly my hardest day's work of the whole year so it was nice to put my feet up yesterday and drink coffee and listen to music all day while my house keeper looked after me. If only! I had to clear up the signs, and books and off load them all into my storage facility and then do my weekly household chores like emptying the bins and cleaning the toilets at home. Oh and then I'd booked in at the dentist to have a much needed crown prepared. So actually about as unrelaxing as it gets!...

The Pop Up Man himself. Clive Sayer (You may recoginise him from Beat and Track music shop)

Have your dreams analysed at the West Kent Book Fair....

2011-10-14T13:35:00.000+01:00

Every so often you meet someone who's quite quirky and unusual. Even less often you get such a person taking a table at the West Kent Book Fair which, if you didn't know by now, is on Sunday at Tonbridge School from 10am to 4pm in Old Big School hall. Laurie Sheppard is a writer originating from the Phillipines and has published books on faith healing and dream analysis among other alternative therapy topics. She'll be on hand signing her books and talking to anyone who wishes to discuss her work. So if you've ever wanted to talk to someone first hand about a recurring dream or something like that then now's your chance. She'll be around for the whole day. Find out more about her on her web site here

New Tonbridge School Uniform is all Pink!

2011-10-14T11:25:00.000+01:00

My most bizarre sight of the week has to be the boys of Tonbridge School this morning when I was over there organising final bits and pieces for my book fair there this Sunday. Quite a few of them had taken pink day, the breast cancer awareness event, to another degree by wearing all sorts of weird and wonderful attire. Very strange to see the fresh faced sporty hunky chaps going about their normal school day, trying not to look self conscious, wearing pink tights, bunny ears and, in some cases ballet tutus. It was early in the morning so perhaps I was in a hynagogic, semi dream like, state and halucinating! If you're are reading this boys then I want to see your best photos to post on Tonbridge Blog. Now there's a challenge....

Big Society alive and well in Tonbridge....

2011-10-13T15:12:00.000+01:00

Is this what David Cameron is talking about when he speaks of The Big Society? Actually I don't like that soundbite of a phrase but can't see much wrong with this particular voluntary service which can, quite literally, save lives. I've been sent some blurb by the local team leader. Now Tonbridge Blog doesn't normally just publish verbatim stuff that people send in but, in this case, I'm making an exception so deal with it!

Community responders have been operating within the South

East since December 2000. The schemes were first introduced

in an effort to provide early pre-hospital care to communities we

have particular difficulty in reaching within those life critical early

minutes following cardiac arrest, a heart attack, patients who

are unconscious or suffering any other form of life threatening

illness or injury.

Whilst South East Coast Ambulance Service performs very well, we have to recognise

that there are some areas within the community that are extremely difficult to reach quickly. Even if we significantly increased our ambulance resources, we would still not be able to deliver the

speed of response necessary to get to some patients with life threatening conditions. This

is where the role of the community responder is vital.

Volunteer responders receive training in basic life support and in the use of an automatic

defibrillator (machine to shock the heart) by the Ambulance Service. The 999 Emergency

Dispatch Centre (EDC) is then able to send a community responder to life threatening

calls within their local community, to provide the care and comfort necessary whilst the

ambulance is on its way. Community responders are not a substitute for the ambulance

crews, but are an added bonus for any patient they may attend. Working with the

Ambulance Service, community responders can ‘buy time’ for the patient until the crew

arrives. Since December 2000 over 7000 patients throughout the South East Coast area

have already benefited from the intervention of community responders.

Our aim within South East Coast Ambulance is to provide the appropriate care to life

threatening emergency calls within 8 minutes. Sometimes, particularly in the case of

cardiac arrest calls, this can still be too long and this is where the community responder

role is of particular benefit.

There is currently only one community responder in the Tonbridge area however we have at least three people waiting to be trained and consequently start their role as a volunteer. The training to become a community responder is funded by the ambulance service, however the cost of the kit for each responder has to be raised by their local scheme. The cost of each kit is approximately £1700, thereofre I would be extremely pleased to hear from anyone who might be able to help with a donation or even to help with fund raising. Additionally if anyone is interested in becoming a volunteer responder and would like more details, please contact the Tonbridge team leader, Claudine Phillips on 07859 933640

Book Fair this Sunday and not much else to report....

2011-10-12T12:15:00.000+01:00

This week I am mostly organising the West Kent Book Fair which is at Tonbridge School on Sunday the 16th from 10am to 4pm. I'll be running back and forth from my shop to Old Big School hall, talking to porters, newpapers, radio stations, putting up posters and banners etc. etc. There won't be alot of time for twittering and blogging so you'll all just have to talk among yourselves for a few days. There doesn't seem to be that much going on in the town. I think we're all in that period when Summer is over and it's too early to be gearing up for Christmas. I'll just take each days as it comes....

Dwain Chambers, Athlete, Drug Cheat, Role Model? Speaking at a Tonbridge School...

2011-10-06T10:36:00.000+01:00

I hear that Dwain Chambers, the athlete and reformed drugs cheat, will be speaking at a Tonbridge school soon. He'll almost certainly tell his audience how tempting it is to give in to the desire to want to be the best at any cost. He might tell the children how much pressure you are under from the people around with vested interest in your success and from your peers to do the wrong thing. He'll no doubt tell them how he succumbed to that temptation and was found out, and banned from competing for two years and received a lifetime ban from the Olympics. But is coming clean and talking about it to impressionable school children and other vulnerable groups enough to cleanse him? Would he do the same again for glory if he thought he could get away with it? The International Olympic Association (IOC) are currently being legally challenged by other reformed drug cheats and under pressure to lift their life time bans. If they are successful then it'll probably mean that Dwain Chambers, who is British 100 metres champion, will be able to fulfil his dream of competing at London 2012. But is this right?...

Steve Jobs 1955-2011.

2011-10-06T10:19:00.000+01:00

I love the simplicity of Apple's tribute to their founder, Steve Jobs, on their web site today. Quite touching. What a natural born world shaker....

The Tonbridge Insider is out right now....

2011-10-05T14:13:00.001+01:00

See the October issue coming through your letter box any moment now. Or, if you like you can read it as a virtual magazine here

In the local papers....

2011-10-04T17:04:00.000+01:00

Thankfully there were no pictures of me running in the Tonbridge Half Marathon in the Courier's Four Page Special! Most of the pictures seemed to be of Dame Kelly, Gawd bless her, and the winning athletes, such as Councillor Maria Heslop. Now admittedly she did run the 13.1 miles in less than half my time but then again she's probably one of those people who've been training all her life and did cross country at school while I was doing long jump and hurdles and drinking beer. 400 hundred metres was my limit until about ten years ago and even now I feel like breaking into a slow walk whenever I run over about 3 miles. It's all to do with the make up of your muscle fibres apparently. (That's my excuse anyway!) The winners probably didn't even ache the next day! I bet I can still beat them over the 110 metres hurdles though!

The other thing that stuck out in the papers was the salary of Tim Haynes, Tonbridge School's Head Master which apparently is worth holding the front page for. At public schools they're still called, quite rightly, Headmaster instead of the more modern Head Teacher which doesn't sound nearly as disciplinarian and traditional to me, that alone ought to worth another 50k! His salary, which is on public record, is quoted as £210,000, which has risen from £160,000 in less than 3 years. My first reaction was: Blimey I wouldn't mind some of that! and secondly: So what! There are plenty of people with less responsibility, and probably far less talent, earning way more than that (right bankers!) I should imagine running a school of that size and importance is the oraganizational equivalent of being Chief Executive Officer of a fairly sizable company. It's not public money so can't they pay him what they see fit? In any case this is most likely the sort of salary that they would have to pay to get the person they want. That said is he really worth any more than a good grammar school Head or, for that matter the head of a comprehensive school with discipline problems? Waddaya think?

Barmy Balmy weather....

2011-10-01T12:41:00.001+01:00

Make the most of this unseasonally hot sunny weather, it won't be with us for many more days. Knowing that makes it all the more reason to savour it although, in truth, I'd prefer it to be slightly cooler than this especially since I'm working today and Sunday. If only August could have been like this! If the weather holds I think I'll have one last canoe trip down the Medway canoe trail before I cover Tallulah up for the winter. Let's hope I don't capsize (again) at those lock gate water shoots. Great time to stretch your legs and see the Autumn colours along the Wealdway between Tonbridge and Langton Green especially. Or a cycle ride around Bewl Water is just as nice for that. Or you could just sit in the garden with a long cool drink and read a book....

Tonbridge High Street Advertising Banners....

2011-09-30T13:33:00.002+01:00

If anyone was wondering how come Sevenoak's Stag Theatre managed to get their pantomime banner with pictures of Dirty Den emblazoned across Tonbridge High Street then you'll be pleased to know that they have agreed to have them removed. It's a bit ironic when the Tonbridge Arts festival and other events in the town have been unable to get permission to have their advertising banners across the street when the Stag managed it isn't it. What a flippin cheek you might well think. As usual with council matters it beggars belief how these things come about. I'm reliably informed that the Stag applied, quite legitimately, to the council and gained the correct permission to erect their banners. The confusion of course is in that phrase: "the council." The council in this case is not Tonbridge and Malling Borough Council, who we'd like to think would never have given their permission, but Kent County Council who have jurisdiction over the highways and pavements which, apparently, includes the air above the roads as well as the actual tarmac! The result, in this case, was permission being granted to a Sevenoaks organisation who clearly met the safety criteria when previous Tonbridge applications have been unsuccessful for whatever reason. Joined up thinking? I think not!...

Runners World comments on the THM....

2011-09-27T16:39:00.000+01:00

....And still with the Tonbridge Half Marathon (is this becoming an obsession?!) there's quite a few comments going onto Runners World about the event which you can read here. The overall impression seems to be that the event was well managed, it was a hot day and the course was pretty hilly and therefore not condusive to getting a PB (that's personal best if you're not offay with runners speak!) There are however a few negative comments especially about the lack of water particularly for the back runners which I must admit I did suffer from at least at two of the water stations. The way I think of that is simple: I should have ran faster! Some people on the Runners World blog even have a moan about the sparse goody bag! Who the hell cares whether you get a mug saying "I made a difference!" or a souvenir plastic drinks bottle or indeed some Porshe car shaped fruity sweets. Surely the point is you did it, you survived it or you improved on your previous best time. That's what counts and you don't nee a T shirt to prove that, just the memory. I still say that this race was a brilliant inorgira, inhorigarl. inaugmentable, first attempt and I'll be putting on my race callendar every year from now until I'm at least in the over 70s category!

Tonbridge Book Fair Free Entry on Sunday October 16th

2011-09-27T11:43:00.001+01:00

Actually I call it the West Kent Book Fair, but it may as well be called the Tonbridge Book Fair. (Should I change the name back to Tonbridge?) Anyway it's on Sunday October 16th at Tonbridge School in Old Big School Hall, which is the one right on the High Street, from 10am to 4pm and this year it's free to enter to encourage the whole town just to go and see what's there. There'll be around 25 book sellers coming from all over the South East and beyond to sell books on every subject imaginable. Some dirt cheap, some just ridiculously expensive. Come and have a look. It's free and free parking. The coffees and teas might cost you 50p but you do get a biscuit and friendly smile for free!...

The Camaraderie of the Long Distance Runners....

2011-09-27T11:24:00.002+01:00

I made it and I've got a medal, energy bar and fruity Porsche shaped sweets to prove it!

TWO HOURS THIRTY SIX MINUTES AND THIRTY SEVEN SECONDS. That was my official race time. Although, rather confusingly, my chip time was about a minute and a half quicker than that. I'm told that the chip time is the actual time I took from crossing the line at the start to crossing it again 13.1 miles later. Now you might not think that the point one of a mile was worth mentioning but, let me tell you that, by the time I came staggering and stuttering around that bend onto Brook Street, that short distance seemed like an eternity. The number 30 in the picture refers to my race number and not, alas, my position at the end of the race; in fact I came in 762nd place. Look at least I didn't come last! First of all let's do what they do in those post match TV sports interviews and look at the positives, which is usually code for we didn't do all that great but you're making me do an interview so I got to encourage the lads by not being down beat. The positives then: bearing in mind that this was my first ever half marathon, I achieved my first goal of completing the distance without stopping or walking. Secondly, I was disciplined in my approach to the whole race and didn't get too carried away by the day; I kept checking my heart rate monitor to make sure that I stayed within the limits most of the time. Thirdly, apart from the aching legs and actually most other parts of my body come to think of it, I managed to stay injury free. I got my medal and completed the race in just about enough time to see the prizes being given. In fact the more I think about it the whole day was very enjoyable, very well organised and, so far as most were concerned, seemed to go without a hitch. Right now though, even two days on, I still feel like I've gone 12 rounds with Lennox Lewis, been forced to climb up Ben Nevis and then been beaten up by a gang of hoodies! I haven't felt like this since my University rugby days when a couple of sadist ex-army blokes took over the training sessions. Let's just say that I found it hard. I mean I knew it wasn't going to be like a stroll round Barden Lake but it was much harder than I'd allowed for. I'd trained up to about nine miles but those extra 4.1 (let's not forget the point 1) were ran on will power alone. I can't tell you how much respect I have for the many serious runners who came in with times of 1 hr and 20 minutes or there abouts, the winner, Thomas Fewster, came home with a time of 1hr 15 mins and 48 seconds. This is phenomenal if you think about it. It means that he ran a mile every 5.7 minutes for the whole 13 miles. It is incredible what the human body is capable of when pushed to it's limits. I'd be happy, as would most people, if I could do one mile in that time let alone 13. So hats off to the serious athletes, you must put in a lot of time and energy to be that fast. I would urge you to consider taking up reading instead though as it's a lot less taxing on the knee and hip joints!
As I write this the memories of a wonderful day come flooding back to me. The melee at the start line, the joking and the camaraderie amongst the runners. Seeing Kelly Holmes, the official starter, and hearing her tell us to pace ourselves "...as it's a long way and it's a hot day!" She wasn't kidding either I must have perspired, no let's call it what it was, sweated enough to fill Haysden Lake! I remember the pounding of two thousand feet on the road as we rounded the bend into Molescroft Way. The chats on the way with people I recognised, the friendly faces in Leigh clapping and pushing us all on with their shouts of encouragement. As the field of runners became ever more stretched out in the countryside around Watts Cross and Chiddingstone Causeway some where finding it all a little too much and where, in some cases literally, being carried by their fellow runners; others were receiving first aid from the St. John's Ambulance volunteers. As we rounded the corner in Leigh for the second time some one shouted out that there were only four miles to go and I realised that I was in unknown territory. I'd never ran further in my life so I knew the rest of the course was going to hurt and I'd have to dig deep. More than once I had the urge to stop and just walk for a bit but I also knew that once I'd done that the concentration and momentum would have gone and it would be difficult to start running again. Although I'd ran along Lower Haysden Lane many times, at the end of the half marathon it seemed to go on forever, it may as well have been Route 66! Past the Country Park entrance, even more familiar territory I thought that I'd have enough energy for one final flourish in front of the crowds still gathered along Brook Street but, when it came to it, my legs felt like lead and it was all I could do to just get to the finish line. My son shouted to me somewhere along that home straight and I was vaguely aware of him running along side me for a while on the other side of the barriers. I told him afterwards that I might not have finished but for his encouragement. He thinks I was joking, but I'm not sure I was! I don't think it was Dame Kelly who put the medal around my neck as I crossed the finish line but I was too knackered to notice anyway, all I wanted to do was drink some cool water and pour a few buckets of it over my over-heating head. So that was my experience of a wonderful day on Sunday. Thanks to the organisers and sponsors and may see you again next year when I reckon I should easily be able to shave off at least those 37 seconds!

Tonbridge Half Marathon this Sunday....

2011-09-23T10:59:00.000+01:00

I'm all charged up and ready to go for this Sunday's very first Tonbridge Half Marathon. It's also my very first. I said jokingly a few months ago that I didn't want to peak too early. That was a joke to excuse my laziness in getting started with training but actually it's proved quite good advice to myself. If we allow for a lack of time, injuries to my calf muscles, work commitments and all those other excuses then I reckon I've got the training about right. The trouble is the unknown bit. You see I've walked 13 and more miles lots of times but I've still never ran it. I've taken what seems to be the majority view that you should train regularly up to 9 or 10 miles for this distance but no need to train to the full distance. The excitement of the day will, so they tell me, carry me through to the finish line. Here's hoping so! I see from the list of runners and riders on the official THM web site that there are adrenalin junkies coming from all over the South East for the event. Many from parts of London, some from Brighton and at least one from Scotland. I hope they all enjoy glimpses of the countryside in the Garden of England as they whiz by. I'll be taking my time and just hoping for no injuries; a time of sub 2hrs and I'll be absolutely delighted for a first time out. To put that in perspective, Dame Kelly Holmes, were she to compete, would probably come in around the hour and ten mins mark, Paula Radcliffe, would be pushing for under an hour and Mo Farah would probably have finished before most of us had even got into our stride! But then they are the absolute cream of elite athletes and they do train twice a day six days a week!...

PB's and PMA The ingredients needed for the THM...

2011-09-21T11:09:00.000+01:00

I'm now counting down the days and indeed the hours to the Tonbridge Half Marathon which is this Sunday. On Monday I did my very last training session before the event and I was quite worried that I'd pull something (usually a calf muscle) or turn an ankle over or be bitten by a dog. But none of those things happened. I kept it down to about five miles of pretty gentle jogging as I wanted to save my best for the day. I'm getting rather excited about the whole thing now. I'm sure that I won't win any prizes (except maybe the wooden spoon for last place!) but here's hoping for a PB which I'm sure I'll get with a PMA. Someone please translate....

Pepper Grinder lives on....

2011-09-21T11:01:00.000+01:00

Looks like the Pepper Grinder, that superb sandwich bar at the north end of Tonbridge High Street, may have had a change of heart as they seem to have reopened. Maybe it's under new owners. I'll have to investigate further. Just hope that the tuna mayo bagettes with extra mixed salad and black pepper is just as good as before. Mmmm my mouth is watering at the thought of it....

New Look Rose and Crown....

2011-09-21T10:57:00.000+01:00

Distributing posters and flyers for the West Kent Book Fair (on Sunday 16th at Tonbridge School by the way) I went into the new look Rose and Crown under new ownership if you didn't know. And very swanky the new bar area looks too. I may even go in for a drink and perhaps even a meal sometime soon to try it out. Mind you I'm slightly surprised that they haven't got a What's On? notice board for their guests. How else will they know where to go for the book fair when they have half a day to kill on that Sunday?!..

Good day to walk.....

2011-09-21T10:52:00.000+01:00

There was obviously an accident or something on the A21 judging by the huge tailbacks right along the High Street this morning. I heard that it may even have been closed completely between Kipings Cross and Tunbridge Wells. The police were out in force on Quarry Hill and cars were at a virtual standstill. Looks like I picked a good day to walk into work....

Missed Bob Ogley talk last night....

2011-09-21T10:49:00.000+01:00

Blast it! I couldn't make the Civic Society talk last night which was a pity. I especially wanted to go because I knew it was author Bob Ogley doing the presentation. Bob has written a number of very informative books on Kent including Kent Chronicles of the 20th Century and that one about the storms of 1987. Still I can always just read his books but it would hav been nice to hear some of it from the man himself....

50 Not Out....

2011-09-16T15:27:00.000+01:00

Two of my very best friends are having their fiftieth birthdays this weekend which is making me glad and yet sad at the same time. Glad that I'm going to a big party in King's Hill on Saturday night, glad for them that they've been so successful in their lives, glad that I'm having a bit of a reunion with some old university chums. But, on the other hand sad that we're all getting older and gradually sliding downhill. It'll be my turn next year but, for now I'm going to rejoice at being the youngest in my circle of friends, albeit only by a few months!...

Meet Tonbridge Ted....

2011-09-16T15:19:00.003+01:00

Called, quite simply, Ted

The previous post was a little near the knuckle but Tonbridge Blog never promised you a squeaky clean site now did he? Anyway to calm down the nerves of readers of a more sensitive nature here is a picture of Ted who genuinely is my old teddy bear and, until recently, sat in Kids Corner at Mr. Books. He's taking a well earned holiday at the moment. I think I'll rename him Tonbridge Ted. Yes, that has it has a ring to it!...

One Man's view of Tonbridge....

2011-09-15T17:45:00.000+01:00

Somebody calling himself MrLean sent me this on twitter today. Why? I'm not quite sure but there it was anyway. WARNING: this does contain, to use an old expression of my Mum's, some pretty blue language so don't read it if you are of a sensitive disposition. Also be warned that it contains some pretty depressing views about the town you live in so don't read it if you want to keep your nice rosy image of Tonbridge. I thought it was worth publishing because it's clear that some, especially younger, people do actually have these kind of views however misplaced. Though I'd say to Mister Lean or Dejay Lean or whatever he likes to call himself: It ain't nothing new mate! Young people get itchy feet, they want to break free; song lyrics have been talking about it down the ages. You've got the big bad city 35 miles up the train track and a whole world beyond it. Go and do some travelling, live your life, do some interesting things, visit some interesting places talk to lots of weird and wonderful people. Then come back some day and you'll realise it really isn't all that bad. Here's his blog post and if you can stomach more of it look here....

F*#k Tonbridge (his heading not mine!)

Most people dislike their home town, I’m sure. (Except residents of Bristol and Brighton actually, but I’ll probably come back to that.) I’ve disliked the majority of places that I’ve lived over the years, but I can think of places I did like, and still do; Rochester is picturesque in places, with its Dickensian charms and old buildings, and I did enjoy my brief tenure in Bearsted (before the aforementioned house fire). The cricket green our house backed on to, juxtaposed with two old style pubs was definitely aesthetically pleasing, and the village as a whole was pretty in its construction; lots of green spaces, old thatched roof cottages, and happily for the 3 male occupants of our house there was a near continuous stream of fit women pouring into the pub next door.

There have been places that were less enjoyable of course: Chatham was, as the area’s reputation might indicate, an absolute dump, populated by for the most part, very scummy people – for example my neighbour (who I’d know for years and who I always knew was a slight strange) turned out to be a rapist. That’s just an example of the type of people that live there; I’m not saying just because you lived in Chatham once upon a time you always precede coitus with a savage beating, but if the cap fits…

Most areas generally have a redeeming feature, one silver lining in amongst the retarded inhabitants and horribly designed cityscapes. For example in Chatham, there is a lovely park next to a college, which means you can effectively sit in the sun and get stoned and pissed whilst looking at 18 year old art students. In Horsmonden the general tranquillity and the horses at the bottom of the garden made up for the fact the village is the most remote place in the whole of Europe, and in Rochester the historical references to Dickens and co are redemptive of the fact that the town is sandwiched between Strood and Chatham. (For those not au fait with the area, imagine a sexual experience with Courtney Love, and Natalie Cassidy. You’re the ham in their sticky pale skin sandwich, in much the same way Rochester is infringed upon by two frankly horribly shit places.)

There is however once place, that has no saving grace; A place where it has rained everyday since 1952. The same place where bizarrely there are no married couples. The sky is always grey there, and rumour has it there are no fish in the river. In this place it’s perfectly normal, and acceptable for girls to have had sex with 49 men before their 18^th birthday (She actually used to read this blog, until she decided I was a “two faced prick” so I doubt she will be reading anytime soon.) Legend has it that Hitler initially had this place earmarked for Auschwitz but was worried about the effect the smog there might have on his German soldiers. This place, Tonbridge, is my town, and I hate it.

Apparently some people like Tonbridge. I don’t believe them. I think they hear my best friend and I constantly cussing the place, and have decided we are pricks and just want to argue with us. There is no reason to like this town. There is nothing here for anyone, except evidently amorous teenagers…

Situated between Sevenoaks and Tunbridge Wells, should make for a decent place. We have two relatively rich neighbouring towns, with haven’t really been overly affected by the recent period of austerity and we are geographically close to London, and Brighton, with decent travel links also. I know what some readers might be thinking at this point – redeeming features? NO. These things are a further kick in the teeth. Our richer, more historically important neighbours simply serve as a reminder of how disappointing a place my home town is. The river meanders through the town, which could be quite pleasant, but the problem with the river is the drunken dickheads constantly attempting to kill themselves/their significant others/their children in it. On a day where the council aren’t fishing bloated bodies from the river a stroll down by the riverside could be enjoyable, however the reeds and the muddy banks beside resemble a landfill site. A landfill site with a special section for needle and nappy disposal.

Tonbridge, according to Wikipedia, has 30,340 residents, all of whom can be found in the Wetherspoons, which is named after Humphrey Bean, on a Friday, Saturday, and Sunday night. I put in some research to find out about Mr Bean (the namesake of the pub, as opposed to Rowan Atkinson’s perennially unfortunate television character) in the hope that he would turn out to be a paedophile/mass murderer/insert other despicable crime here, as this would certainly add to the conviction of my diatribe, however it turns out he doesn’t exist. That’s good enough for me. Tonbridge’s primary watering hole is named after a fabricated character. In Rochester, they have the actual chalet Dickens wrote Great Expectations in, and the pub next door: Great Expectations. Even in Horsmonden (remember its half a million miles from civilisation) their pub is named after a local war hero. In Tonbridge they didn’t even have anyone worth naming a pub after). I’m going to assume Mr Bean’s mother actually named him Humphrey, because at times that’s the level of general retardation the unfortunate looking occupants of Tonbridge display, so that would fit nicely.

Pubs aside, Tonbridge town is bleak as fuck. I was recently looking through some pictures of the Somme. It looks a lot more fun than an afternoon in Tonbridge. The “town centre” is one road. It has 145 hairdressers, 55 charity shops, and about 15 chain restaurants where you can buy 2 meals for 10 pounds (Microwave + Table + Waiter = Tonbridge ASK). 50% of the shops are empty and thus badly vandalised, and on Saturday morning, I genuinely counted 15 piles of sick between my house and the local McDonalds. That journey was probably 200 yards. More concerning that then sick piles however was the blood caked thong, deposited neatly next to a dog shit bin. That was just beautiful.

Tonbridge parenting is something else. I said there are no married couples, which was a bit of an exaggeration, I realised two of my friends are married, so there is at least one married couple. It would be too easy to label all of the parents here as the “Jeremy Kyle generation” but I know of three couples who live within walking distance who have featured on the popular mid morning freak show that is JK. Discipline in Tonbridge is, as far I’ve witnessed non existent or frankly sadist. The two general schools of parenthood appear to be “ignore the little shit” or “scream at the little shit”. Either way, we have created, (as detailed in my Intersports > JD Sports blog post) a generation of mongy, disrespectful youths who’s idea of a nice time is harassing punters outside of the local off license, or harassing punters outside the local pub, which is incidentally where their absent fathers can be found, when their not harassing the mother of their children’s new boyfriends. I am not going to talk about anyone personally, as I have set out to mildly offend a whole town, as opposed to horribly offend particular people, but suffice to say you would be shocked at some of the things I know about a number of the parents in this town. The half naked toddlers running riot in estates all over North Tonbridge (the very nadir of what is already an abhorrently horrid town) really do remind me of the famous picture of the Vietnamese child covered in napalm running down the road, except children of Tonbridge aren’t covered in 46 parts polystyrene, 33 parts petrol, and 21 parts benzene (napalm to most people), they are covered in a light layer of dirt. The parents of the dirty children are “horribly depressed”. So “horribly depressed” they smoke weed all day every day, and sniff copious amounts of cocaine at the weekends. I am not one to talk about partying habits and whatnot; however I do not have a number of young dependants, by a number of absent sperm donors. Dirty children in clothes that don’t fit obviously pale into insignificance when compared to the parents need to blunt the edge of the knife of realisation, by “bunning” (youth speak for smoking, so I’m told) some of Tonbridge’s finest home-grown herbal remedy. The realisation, of course is that your children are going to grow up to hate you, because you are shit parents, coupled with the fact you live in a shit town. The doctors surgery in Tonbridge is inundated with young-ish mothers seeking repeat prescriptions of their anti-depressants/anti-anxiety pills/sleepers – perhaps a more sensible idea would be to ascertain the scale of the women’s drug abuse, and build a care plan based around that, so that next time I go to the doctors to get my ears syringed my appointment isn’t actually delayed by 2 hours, because of an emotionally unstable North Tonbridge mother deciding to have a breakdown (read probable drug induced spastic attack) in the surgery. Remember Tonbridge mothers, when all else fails: “SHUT UP YOU C*NT, YOU’RE DOING MY F*CKING HEAD IN!” – Yep, it really is that bad.

The people, the shops, the pubs and the geography aside, Tonbridge has a horrible feeling associated with it. A general unhappiness resides, and hangs heavily in the air like mustard gas, so much so that it makes my soul hurt to spend longer than 15 minutes in the town, and I am almost sure that much like the theory about smoking cigarettes (1 cigarette depletes 15 minutes of your life) living in Tonbridge is terrible for your health. I had one grey hair when I moved here, and 2 years later I’m at the stage of finding grey hairs in my beard, and even one on my chest recently, which makes me quite unhappy. But not as unhappy as living in Tonbridge. We recently went on a rather massive party weekend, spent time in London and Bristol. I cannot put into words how sad I felt on the main road back into Tonbridge. Ben simply rolled down the window, looked at the decimation we were entering and bellowed: “SHITHOLE!!!!” Tonbridge.Nail.Head.

I know basically I am a bit of a prick, because there are plenty of Somalian children in Mogadishu, who would kill for a meal in the ASK, a pint in the Wetherspoons, and to be shouted at by some strange North Tonbridge woman for no particular reason, but I for one harbour an intent to leave this town, and all of the retards in it behind, and until the day I relocate to Bristol, or Brighton, or somewhere more suited to the lifestyle of Mr Lean I will continue to insult this shithole town and its retarded residents, and if you don’t like it, you can find me in the Mr Bean Wetherspoons, insulting you, the mother of your children and your town.

Big Kisses residents of Tonbridge, you truly fucking suck.

Half Marathon training: It's all so confusing....

2011-09-10T11:25:00.000+01:00

I can't believe that the Tonbridge Half Marathon, the first ever, and my first ever, is only two weeks away! OMG, as they say on Facebook and other such sites, and a very nervous LOL while we're at it! Someone told me yesterday that the best training routine is a 9 mile run at the weekend and a 4-5 miler mid week. Now she tells me! Well it's a bit late now to change my whole routine. Basically I've just been running as far as I can once a week, which is about all I have time for. I've also been cycling to work which, admittedly, is only a couple of miles but there are some uphill bits! Does canoeing and body boarding count as training? How about painting the house and gardening? Another runner told me that I should run the 13 miles just to make sure I can run the distance. Sod that. 13 miles will be the furthest I've ever ran or, for that matter, ever likely to so I'm not going to make a habit of it am I?! Everyone else has told me that the excitement of the day of the race, the adrenalin and the crowds will cry me those extra few miles. Well here's hoping that the majority opinion is the right one. Then there's what food to eat? Don't get me started on that! Luckily I love pasta anyway. There's so many varying opinions on everything to do with running these distance races that I've decided to do the only thing I really trust and that's to listen to my body. Mind you my body was telling me weeks ago to not be so crazy and put my feet up so what does it know! My plan for the next two weeks is to put in one more 8-9 miler and then rest my body, come what may, to the event on Sunday September 25th. Oh, and I might stuff my face with lots of Spag Bol....

'ave ye sin that book: Kentish As She Wus Spoke?

2011-09-08T13:47:00.000+01:00

I've just had a really nice conversation with an Australian family who were over here and came to specifically see me can you believe that?! The mum was born and brought up in Tonbridge and had been over in Oz for twenty odd years. She paid me a great compliment by saying that this blog was what had kept her in touch with her home town in recent years more than anything else. Bless her. Her husband was originally from Tunbridge Wells but we can't blame him for that! She reminisced about her days at Slade School in the 1960s when they could smell the cattle and livestock as they were traded on the market right next door to the school. Them were the days eh! Then we had a natter about how their accents had changed over the time they'd spent away and yet her friends in Oz still pick her up on her strange choice of words. The book she bought? Why Kentish As She Wus Spoke of course! They'll be taking it back to educate those Aussie friends of there's!...

September Tonbridge Insider out now....

2011-09-03T13:36:00.000+01:00

Look out for your copy of the latest issue of TheTonbridge Insider which should be dropping on your door mat very soon if it hasn't already....

Residents save 1-3 Bank Street from the wrecking balls....

2011-09-03T11:46:00.000+01:00

Tonbridge Blog has it on good authority that the fight to save 1-3 Bank Street from the demolition wrecking balls has finally been won. This is a huge victory for the Slade Area Residents Association (SARA) who've been dead against this from the start. A word of warning though to SARA: these developers are very canny and they've done all this a thousand times before. They often find another way of getting what they want, which is not usually what the residents want. They seem to be very patient and willing to wear planners and the public down over time. Not long ago it seemed to have been agreed that 1-3 Bank Street, which is almost opposite Mr. Books and is supposed to have been the first Tonbridge Bank, (thus giving the street its name) was destined to be redeveloped as a home for Hadlow College students; everyone seemed to be pleased with that outcome. Now that seems to have fallen through and then, surprise, surprise Marpaul, the owners, sneak through another planning application to tear down the half-delapidated building which, no doubt, they are claiming isn't fit to be saved. If it isn't fit to be saved then, it could be strongly argued, the reason for this is Marpaul's own neglect. Something needs to happen with this pigeon infested building soon or the council should have the right to compulsorily purchase it at below market price and turn it into something useful for the community. It's right in the heart of the old town centre and it's being allowed to crumble into dust, it just beggars belief. Comments below please....

Goodbye Pepper Grinder....

2011-09-02T13:20:00.000+01:00

It's always sad when any local business closes but it's even sadder when an apparently thriving one closes right near you. Especially when it's the place you used to buy your sandwiches from! Now that the Pepper Grinder has wrapped it's last tuna mayo bagette on white with butter, extra mixed salad and black pepper where will I go now for my weekly treat? I didn't even get the chance to say goodbye to the girls in there but I wish them well whatever they chose to do next. Maybe someone will see an opportunity and open another equally fabulous sandwich bar at the north end of the High Street....

Antonio's back at Antonia's!...

2011-09-02T13:12:00.000+01:00

Regular diners at Antonia's, at the north end of Tonbridge High Street, will be pleased to know that Head Chef, Antonio, has returned from his refreshing holiday back in Portugal no doubt full of new ideas of how to tempt your taste buds. Antonio of course is not to be confused with Antonia, the owner's other half after which the restaurant was named. It's just a happy co-incidence. Just thought I'd clear that up!...

Tonbridge Half Marathon gets 1,000 runners....

2011-09-01T11:04:00.000+01:00

I see that the Tonbridge Half Marathon has attracted adrenalin junkies from far afield and has reached its limit of 1,000 runners. Must be an insurance thing as I'm sure Tunbridge Wells and Paddock Wood both attract over 2,000 and the Great North Run must be have around a million! So that's all more competition for me then as I push for my first recorded time over anything like that distance. Back in the day 110 metres hurdles was my main event. 14 seconds of explosive energy, a bit of a lunge for the line and it's over; so the prospect of 13 miles fills me full of excitement and dread all at the same time. Quite simply it will be the longest run I've ever done so please take pity on me if you see me straggling at the back of the field gasping for water and air. Sub 2 hours would be an achievement for me but I'm sure that the winner will come home in not much more than an hour. I don't quite qualify for the over 50s prize although if I have a bad run I might by the time I finish the race!...

A new Tonbridge blogger!!!!

2011-08-27T17:14:00.000+01:00

There's a new blogger in Tonbridge called Tonbridge Daily which tries to give you a snippet, yes you've guessed it, daily about Tonbridge. I happen to know the author of this blog quite well and she certainly knows the town well. There's a nice piece about the newly refurbished Rose and Crown on the site which is worth a gander. I would add the blog to the useful list to the left but then she might take over from Tonbridge Blog in popularity and we couldn't have that!...