Le tour de France est non loin away maintenant, vraiment!

Thierry Gouvenou, régulateur, 7 Tours de France : « Après avoir quitté le cœur de Londres et déclenché les chronos au passage du Méridien de Greenwich, le peloton s’élancera à travers le Kent. Un parcours plat à la découverte de la campagne anglaise qui devrait favoriser les sprinters lancés à la conquête du maillot vert. »
This is a quote from the official Le Tour web site and, loosely translated, means "....flippin 'eck the Tour de France is coming to Tonbridge blummin soon!..." Let's all plan to go en fete, as ils parle in France. Let's think of long hot evenings en ete, parties, barbeques, cold lager and white wine, salades niceoise and other cuisine Francaise. Mon Franglez est il un little rustique je pense, malheuresement. Anyway in the meantime avez un regarde at the web site HERE You can read in in English also if you are feeling unadventurous, or unadventurous, as they say over the channel....

Shoppers of Tonbridge unite!...

This was originally intended as a reply to a comment on Shopping Centre by hildenboroughblog (see article below) but Tonbridge blog thought that it was good enough for a posting...
There could be room for a shopping centre, along the lines of Victoria Place in Tunbridge Wells, around the Angel area and smaller boutique type shops in the older part of town to the North of the Big Bridge. T Wells is similar with Camden Road and the High Street for smaller shops and Vic Place for the chain stores. It could work you know, it's only like it is now because it needs a kick start. Personally I believe that the process is already in motion since Waitrose and Monsoon came to the town. The rest will take time, but there are some good signs with the likes of Silvermans Jewellers, Cycle ops, Jessops, Kent Lighting, Antonia's restaurant, Bionic Records, WH Smith Stationers and others. Shoppers in the town could help out by shopping in Tonbridge whenever they can instead of buying on the internet so much, or going for the cushy option of the indoor shopping centre. Once it establishes momentum, a reputation will follow, then it's an upward spiral. This all takes time, but we will get there. There's optimism for you!...

Please Sir, when's the next book fair?...

Here's one for you.....Who played Frankie Abbott in the popular sixties (or was it 1970's) comedy classic Please Sir?...
Answer: David Barry, who is now involved in theatre production and is also an author. Tonbridge blog has learnt that he will be at the West Kent Book Fair in Old Big School hall, Tonbridge School (and, no doubt, getting detention!) on Sunday April 1st from 9-30am to 4pm. Actually Frankie David was an accomplished child actor, who toured with the likes of Larry Olivier. He will be signing copies of his new book, Flashback, an Actor's Life, at the event. (Although you should be warned that he does look quite a bit diffent these days!) See the organiser's web site www.mrbooks.co.uk for details about the fair...

What did he turn round and say?...

There's this customer in my shop, right, who, sort of like, uses this, you know, odd little, kind of like, phrase to, are you following my meaning, like, to fill in between pauses in, er, you know, conversation. This is straight up, no word of a lie, gen, I promise you. Some thing like this, although only really he can do it:
"...So anyway, like I turned round and said, she was havin' a bit of a laugh...she turned round and she said to me....so I turned round and said.....and she's only turned round and said this...." I've never heard this before, and after a while I become so amused by the use of this phrase that I turn round and lose the thread of the conversation and just wait for the next "...turn round and said...."
I do wonder if he realises he even turns round and says it! (It's really quite contagious you know) I realise that I'm sort of betraying a loyal customer, who will probably become an ex-customer if he ever reads this article but this has fascinated me. Not being originally a Kentish Man, or a Man of Kent for that matter, I wonder if this is some obscure colloquialism....

Kelly's got a double gold web site!...

Well it had to happen didn't it. I've finally gone and done a piece on our very own Dame Kelly. What community based web site would be complete without it? Lets face it the local papers don't need much of an excuse to give her a mention, so why should Tonbridge blog be any different! Regular commenter on this site, hildenboroughblog (what a ridiculous blog name!) brought Kelly's official website to my attention and so I took a butcher's at it. It's actually quite impressive and probably professionally produced, unless our Kelly is a computer whiz kid as well, and there's only a little bit of a shopping page selling her books and stuff. Some of the gallery pics are worth a look if you are an athletics fan. Take a look for yourself HERE

Reallygreattonbridge.com....welovetonbridge.org....

Whataflippinmarveloustowntonbridgeis.com
I don't know about you, but I can't help thinking that there a few too many of these so called community websites jumping on the band wagon. Often, whilst they claim to be community sites, they are nothing more than nationally or regionally run with no other purpose than to lift money out of small businesses and retailers. thebestof tonbridge seems to be one such example with nice looking pages but very little substance in Tonbridge blog's opinion. It's really just "the best of" brand, after which you could put the name of any town. The Tonbridge.com seems a little more in tune with the local community, but, once again, they seem to make no secret of being, basically, an ad-get site. This site is a bit harder on the eye than the best of... with lots of flashing lights and things popping out at you, but you do get the feeling that whoever produces it does at least know the area. At the end of the day they are really just the modern equivalent of those free sheets, full of inserts, which take you about ten seconds to read before you chuck it on the recycling pile. It's a shame that there isn't a virtual recycling pile for some of these efforts. You see, at the end of the day, you just can't beat content. Readers and viewers aren't fools, if there is no useful. up-to-date information and a mix of local pictures, comment and stories they will, quite literally, switch off. Are there any better ones, or worse for that matter out there....

The state of the book trade....

Are bookshops in terminal decline? This is the question posed on the excellent web site for book lovers, The Book Guide. You can read the article and the comments HERE and below is Mark Richardson's, of MR. Books, Bank Street, response in full:

"I opened my bookshop, MR. Books in Tonbridge, almost two years ago so either I'm just plain crazy or I have gambled on there being life in this business ours yet. For me personally the bookshop is partly a lifestyle change, so the idea of sitting behind a computer screen all day, everyday, having little direct contact with customers and mailing out books just doesn't appeal. Obviously the internet is a very important part of our trade, there will be no getting away from that, but it can also be a showcase to advertise books in the shop which customers can come and view for themselves. As for bookshops closing down, as has been commented already, it was ever thus. A customer has recently sent me a picture from about the 1960's of a bookshop two doors way from where mine is now, a building which has since been demolished; I have also seen an advertisement in a 1950 guide to the town with one just around the corner, which I understand closed down around about the same time. Businesses come and go but there is no doubt that the nature of ours is definitely changing, even a relative new boy like me has noticed this. It is a struggle at times but, let's face it, there are a lot worse ways to not earn a living!...

Mark Richardson
Owner of MR. Books
Tonbridge, Kent
www.mrbooks.co.uk

Ghosts of the old Workhouse....

Now for those of you who don't know it the old tall building which confronts you when you drive down Castle Street and on to the Bank Street/Slade junction used to be Bank Street school, which closed in the 1960s, becoming Woodland Junior School. Many years before that it was the local Poor House. In fact Back Lane (Bank Street) as it was then officially called, was known by the locals as Workhouse Lane. Now, I'm given to understand, that these were harsh environments at the best best of times; so the building was almost certainly the scene of untimely deaths, probably hundreds of them over the course of its history. Now, I'll start by saying that I am a real sceptic when it comes to ghost stories and the paranormal. However, to my surprise, I have heard from very reliable sources that there have been some wierd goings on in the building, which is currently being renovated for Warners Solicitors before they move their whole operation into there shortly. I'm talking about feeling of presences, things moving around, lights going on and off etc. Ok, all of these things may or may not be explainable but it still sent a shiver down my spine, especially since the only people who are in there at the moment are burly builders and the like, who probably don't scare easily....

The new look Hilden Manor....

I've been meaning to go to the Hilden Manor ever since it reopened after its tragic destruction by fire two years ago. It's incredible what they have done there; you'd have thought for all the world that they would have given up and built a modern estate there or something. All credit to the architects and construction team who have managed to pull it off. So off I went then on a rainy Sunday (today) to experience and appreciate their work. The outside looks incredible, an improvement in fact. They've made better use of the car park area with the new hotel facilities. However (and you must have known that there'd be a however!) the inside is absolutely awful; its just another Beefeater steakhouse with benches where there should be tables and a serve 'em quick and get 'em out type approach to Sunday lunch. To be fair the food was adequate, but that's all. I had roast beef and yorkshire pub, which you would have thought they would have got spot on. It was ok, but a really small portion of beef and virtually raw carrots. The chicken roasts, which my kids had, were somewhat larger and the sticky toffee pudding was pretty good. Our waitress, Emma I think, was very attentive and helpful, if a little rushed and did sort out the raw carrots without any fuss (although I suspect they came back having been blitzed in the microwave) so I still left her a three quid tip, which was generous enough for an average meal. As I said I had been looking forward to trying it out, but I came out thinking that it could have been so much better in that amazing building. Why didn't they build something really special there instead of short changing customers with a restaurant which is only a couple of notches up from a McDonald's....

A Bomb scare....well they kept that one quiet....

Tonbridgeblog did hear a rumour that there was some sort of incident involving the police the other day on the High Street. Turns out, according to some sources that there was a suspect package in KFC. No not the bargain bucket! In fact it turned out to be that someone had left a projector on a seat in there. The police and bomb crew were called in, while, apparently, people continued to walk by oblivious to the potential danger. I've heard of Kentucky fried mouse, but Kentucky fried semtax is a new one!! Anyone else hear anything?...

Boot fairs don't belong indoors....

I've just had a little trip out to Arthur's Friendly Boot Fair in the village hall at Three Dead Oaks Green. Why? Well I'm not sure quite what motivated me, boredom probably. Friendly? Yes it was; but I'm afraid it was sparse and pretty dead. It's always the same, unless you get up at the crack of dawn, all the half decent stuff has gone. Indoor boot fairs, for me, basically don't work. Number one: you can't drive a car into a village hall so in essence it's just not the same. Secondly, just because it's inside, some how the sellers think that they can charge five times as much for the same old tut. Thirdly, you usually have either an embarrassing silence in the room or else there's some really out of date record playing; like at today's it was "There's a new dance that is going around, called the bump...." Now that tune is stuck in my head for the next three days! And fourthly, er...that's it..... Roll on the spring for the rain soaked outdoor boot fair season....

Bloody buses down bleedin' Bank Street....

Today I witnessed the battle of Bank Street. We had car horns honking, people shouting and swearing at a disabled driver, irate bus drivers trying to squeeze buses through a tiny gap (and failing!) shopkeepers and postmen bouncing a car which was obstructing the traffic. What was the cause of all this mayhem? Wait for it.... an elderly disabled driver of the car, mentioned above, had left his vehicle parked near the corn exchange building while he went to get some tablets from the nearby chemists. He was gone for all of about 7 minutes! The bus driver, apparently so afraid to be behind on his Ariva-in-time bus schedule, that he lost all sense of proportion and instead of waiting (which clearly was the only sensible thing to do in the circumstances) moved things out of the way on the pavement, called for the car to be bounced out of the way by passers by, and then rather unskilfully managed to take off a panel from the bottom of the bus side, smashing a stone step in the process and nearly smash in the back door of the jewellery shop as the panel went flying. The damage done to the step of this shop are proof enough that you don't want to get in the way of these beasts (the buses that is, not the drivers!) We then had the scene with some young Rambo wannabe effing and blinding at the bus driver as he wrote down the details of the car driver. It's a wonder that no puches were thrown as the air became more testosterone filled with every passing second. Are we so busy these days that we can't just see the funny side and take a breather for a few minutes; are we so bent on achieving the targets of out of touch and more and more distant employers, who just don't listen to excuses. Can we not just slow down a bit, not get so worked up and spare a thought for the old bloke whose only crime was that he just happened to nip out to the pharmacy with his prescription on the wrong day at the wrong time. In any case Bank Street really is wholely inappropriate for the purpose of turning round single, let alone double decker, buses so some of the blame for this incident must rest with the council (Kent or TMBC, I'm not sure which one, and there lies another problem.) I'm not sure what the alternative is but there must be a better one than the narrow streets of the old market area. Still it will be an interesting one for the insurance companies to sort out....

Underground passages from the Castle to the Priory: Fact or fable?...

Tonbridge blog became a little obsessed with this idea having read the wonderful old book called Tonbridge Legends, written in about 1890, by an anonymous author. The thought has been hanging around somewhere in the back of my mind, but had pretty much remained lurking there for a year or so. Until I acquired an even older, and very scarce book, The Tunbridge Wells Guide, an Account of the Ancient and Present State of the Place by J. Sprange, 1814. This book talks briefly about each of surrounding towns and villages and the birth of the Wells. In the section on Tonbridge, or Tunbridge as it was correctly named then, it mentions the founding of the Priory at Tonbridge which, if you don't know stood roughly between where the Sainsbury's petrol station is now situated and the railway tracks (nothing like respecting our ancient historic building heritage eh!) I'll quote from Sprange's excellent guide:
"It is said that there was a subterraneous passage carried under the bed of the river, from this priory to the castle, in order to supply the garrison with necessaries in time of distress; but I can find no warrant for this report, except the uncertain voice of tradition."
Now granted that is by no means conclusive evidence of very much; except it confirms that the writer of Tonbridge Legends must have got the story from somewhere, therefore he didn't just make it up because it made good reading. There must somewhere be other written anecdotes, tales or maybe even facts about their existence. We may never know any more hard facts after so much time has passed, but it would be interesting to delve deeper....

More Greenwash?...

The Olympics in 2012 are in London. We all know that. So it's great to see that Lord Seb Coe, of I'm not sure what, is backing the sustainable energy green policies which the Government are trying to encourage and enforce by 2016. The aim is to make all homes carbon neutral, whatever that is, by that date. But are they doing enough? You can read the report on the Grauniad's web site HERE for fuller details of what they are up to and what the Green Party think of it. The general opinion seems to be that it is great that they are doing something, but they want to see much more. That seems to always be the way doesn't it because, obviously, many of these high profile projects have good intentions and want to be seen to be doing the right thing for the environment; but when they see the quotes for using the ethical, if that's the right word, materials they do a double take and then financial reality kicks in. Surely though this project, the Olympics, is the great exception; we simply have to not only be seen to get this right but to gather momentum and, if necessary go completely over the top to set an example to the world of what can be done with the right will. Maybe then smaller projects would follow suit, not wanting to be left behind, or at least because social pressure would make it too embarasing for them . On a more local scale there are large projects in our own back yard which could and should be setting an example to us all. The Tonbridge School Swimming Pool and sports complex, a £10 million building, is doing some but no where near enough; and the Harvester Tower, with huge financial backing from the States, would seem to be hardly scratching the green paint off the surface. Why not? Because it would take about 35 years to make back the money that they would save in energy bills that's why? Simple economics. But is that good enough? I certainly don't think so...

Greenwash! Environment update....

Before we all become too Greener than Thou let's keep all this in perspective. It matters what we all do in the long term, week in week out, not what superficial gestures we make to display our greeness because it's the in thing. Tony Parson's of the Daily Mirror (Don't let that put you off reading him!) as usual shoots straight from the hip in this wonderful piece on the Mirror web site. Read it HERE....

Big Brother, Big Snooze....

I was up quite late last night reading and had left the TV on, as I often do, half watching it but mainly reading. Bill Bryson's A Short History of Nearly Everything is really interesting and absorbing stuff; however I'm afraid that what was showing on the telly most definitely was not. In fact I was distracted from Bryson's excellent book by the sheer mundanity of what was showing. It was sensationally bad TV, almost to the point of being interesting for that fact alone, if you follow me. I saw two attractive women, apparently they were celebrities, bitching to each other in whispered tones about not very much while drinking their coco, then they brushed their teeth together and, do you know what they did next? well then they got into bed. Now, as if that wasn't dull enough, the cameras then stayed on them while they lay in bed restless, tossed and turned a bit, whispered a bit more and then, presumably eventually went to sleep. I just had to turn it off; it wasn't just boring, it was annoyingly so, frustratingly awful. I wanted to put my head inside the TV set and yell at the programme makers to do something about it, to make it interesting. You see Celebrity Big Brother is only very marginally less dull than the real Big Brother because, celebrities or not (and that's debatable in most cases) they are just people at the end of the day. They still have boring days and quiet periods; they still have to eat, crap and piss like the rest of us do. There's no wonder that this business with Shilpa Shetty, or "Shipla" as Jade Goody so malapropistically keeps calling her, is causing such a stir. The rest of it is so deadly dull; frankly I'd rather watch a firm of chartered accountants at work than this turgid garbage. If this is what we paid our license fee for I would be demanding my money back and a thousand pounds compensation on top. Just as well it isn't then! Big Brother has had it's day Channel 4; it's time to move on and stop milking it till the last viewer is still sitting up at 2am, glazed eyed and probably in a coma. Anyway back to my Bill Bryson book....

An Inconvenient Truth, A Global Warning....

This documentary film by nearly President of the USA, Al Gore, is an absolute must watch for anyone who is remotely interested in the future of the planet we all share. In essence it is a lecture and presentation interspersed with film clips and cartoon asides which help keep up the interest level. It is thought provoking, witty, non-sensationalist and yet gripping due to the enormity of the crisis we all face. He points out that this is not something off in the distant future, Global Warming is happening right now and is set to effect us all very dramatically with the next 50 to 70 years unless we act now. That is possibly within my lifetime and certainly within my children's. So it bothers me very much. He compares the scepticism with that which the anti smoking lobby faced 30 or 40 years ago, when their arguments were dismissed as having no conclusive proof. Look what has happened to smokers and the cigarette industry nowadays; they are increasingly becoming the outcasts of society. The evidence for global warming being a serious problem for the world is overwhelming and yet the few dissenters to this view, usually those with a vested interest, are often the ones which most people listen to. Why? Because it is more convenient to do nothing than to do something. More convenient to drive to work than cycle, walk or catch a bus; more convenient to leave the TV on standby and the lights switched on around the house. It's nicer to have a big car, aircon and a plasma screen TV. Scientists who have pointed out this inconvenient truth, have in the past, in America at least, been shunned, sacked and unable to find employment because they had the balls to speak out. Watch this film and it will probably make you think harder about the subject. You may even do something about your own habits, even if it is inconvenient....

Hold the front page Policeman seen walking in Tonbridge High St....

I know it shouldn't be anything sensational, but you see so few police actually on the beat these days that I thought this should be front page news in the local rag. I'm not just being flippant either, this is a serious problem nation wide; it beggars belief that this is only just beginning to be sorted out 25 years after I learn about it in Sociology classes. Do the police ever read reports by academics or listen to the advice of people who have known for decades, that you cannot simply rely on new close circuit TV technology and fast cars. There has never been, nor ever will be a substitute for human beings forming relations with the local community and getting to know all the nooks crannies of their patch....

Enjoy your Crappy Meal and have a nice day!...

My nine year old daughter cracked a good joke yesterday. I decided to give the kids a treat and take them bowling in Tunbridge Wells, (I got 5 strikes but that's another story!) then on the spur of the moment, and because it was lunch time, I thought that I'd treat them to a meal in the Bowlplex restaurant. Well we were there, the pictures made the food look really tasty and it was only a little more expensive than going to the Macdonalds down the road. The pictures turned out to be all lies! The tables were dirty, there weren't enough staff around to ask to clean them, let alone for them to actually clean them, the food took an age to arrive (at least 25 minutes anyway) and when it did, after I'd complained about the lack of service, mine was at best luke warm and tasteless. To cap it all there was no tomato ketchup (in a burger bar for God's sake!!) The mayo was an extra 15p per sachet; allright it's not that much but each excuse for a meal was nearly a fiver anyway. I tried to put a brave face on it so as not to ruin the kid's last day of the Christmas break but it was my daughter's comment which said it all (and made me laugh out loud) She said "Dad they should rename these meals, instead of Happy Meal, it should be Crappy Meal!...

Merry Christmas....

Merry Christmas, Ho, Ho, Ho and all that to all Tonbridge bloggers. Have a good 'un....

In case of TBlog being down.....

Use this as an alternative or buy a newspaper and wait for a week until TonbridgeBlog is back up or you could maybe take a walk, go for a week's holiday or perhaps talk to your husband, boyfriend, wife or girlfriend instead of sitting clicking away on a sodding computer all day and all evening long!...

So long Courier....

Welcome everyone to Alternative Tonbridge blog. It seems that my mentioning T blog in my Courier coloumn this week has caused the site to temporarily crash due to it having "exceeded its bandwidth" whatever that means. Actually I've come to the conclusion that it means the site administrators (123-reg) get more money if they send that message up every so often. I've already topped up the meter this month so they're not having any more! Why have I stopped writing my column in the Courier? Quite simply they were taking the Micky Bliss; they sent out a general letter to all us community correspondents saying that they are no longer going to pay us but that they wanted us to carry on writing the column anyway in the form of a blog and then they would choose the best bits for the weekly bit in the paper. Well guess what Courier? I'm already blogging and I beat you to it by two and a half years. In any case yours will probably be highly censored and not really reflective of the views of the good people of the town. Oh and they also wanted us to sell advertising to local businesses on their behalf to go along side the blog and we could keep the revenue from that. I'm afraid that I'm not the only one who has been outraged by this suggestion. If you look carefully at the end of the community columns this week you'll see that many of the long standing columnists have mysteriously decided that now is the time to jack it in. They include Philip Codd of Bidborough and Geoff Watts, Hildenbourough, both of whom have been putting their columns together tirelessly and faithfully for the last 13 or 14 years. I'm a mere novice with only 4 years under my belt! It beggars belief that they think that just because as they said in their letter to us that "...in responding to our recent survey, many of you told us that money was not your motivation for becoming a community correspondent...." Of cause it wasn't YOU WERE PAYING US TEN QUID A WEEK, what the hell did you expect the response to that question to be. But that doesn't mean that we'd be happier with nothing does it! The money isn't that important to me, but I suspect that for a few of them the £500 a year might pay for Christmas or even the family holiday. So I've decided not to write it anymore on principle. By the way what about the people, like me, who didn't fill out a questionaire and what about those people, like Mr Codd of Bidborough, who I happen to know (cos he told me) said that money WAS the most important reason. I suspect that they'll be very few local columns in next week's newspaper, let's wait and see. As the man at the end of each failed Dragons Den pitch might say "Good luck with that Courier!"

Pop ups at the West Kent Book Fair in Tonbridge last weekend...

Thanks Clive Sayer for letting us all see these amazing pop up books....

PORC clips....

Here's a selection of video clicks from my day at PORC, that's Penshurst Off Road Cycling, some amazing stunts:
First this...

Then this...

And this...

These were just the ones I managed to capture on my camera phone. Go there if you want to see some quite incredible stuff....

Poetry, Poetry and more poetry please....

Don't forget that it's National Poetry Day on Thursday October 9th, which unfortunately does not this year coincide neatly with Poetry at the Pub, as it did last year, which is a shame, which takes place on on Thursday October 2nd at the Ivy House pub at the corner of Bordyke and the High Street in Tonbridge, where, I'm told the mentalist landlord is going on hunger strike in protest of the death of the pub trade because of greedy property owners who know nothing about running a boozer; and if you've really not had enough Tonbridge's West Kent Book Fair will take place at Tonbridge School on Sunday October 26th all day and will include Traditional Storytellers and Poetry at the Fair, another open mic session but this time in the amazingly accoustics of Old Big School Hall, which (pause for breath) is at the tail end of Tonbridge Arts week, which this year goes on for a whole month. Now that was a long sentence, which is why poetry is so much better than prose!...

The week so far....

For those of you looking at Alternative Tonbridge blog for the first time a very warm welcome. If you haven't worked out how to click on the right link then you probably won't be reading this anyway. A summary of the week's blogs so far: Tonbridge Juddians Rugby club beat Folkstone by a whapping 124 points to nil; that's a hell of a lot of tries, conversions and penalties. You have to feel sorry for the opposition (not) being on the end of all that pent up anger and frustration the TJ's must have had after such a crap season. It shows how much work has been done in the close season behind the scenes. Susan Adams has thrown in the trowel (geddit) with the annual Tonbridge garden and home show, she has informed the stall holders that she's 'ad it up to 'ere with the spiralling costs and all the red tape. It looks like Tonbridge is about to loose it's "purely local" KMFM radio studio; we may still get the radio shows but will they be the same without Myma, Ness and co. moaning about the traffic down Tonbridge High Street and those inane Just MOT ads for Morley Road Tonbridge?! Oh and apparently there were three people eaten by a tiger because of climate change and we thought that the parking attendants were our biggest problem(oh, that's right, actually that was in Bangladesh) More later....

I have seen the future....

I have seen the future and it is murder! So goes the the Leonard Cohen song and if you've ever been to Future World near the Lizard in Cornwall you'll know what he meant. He's a vision of what it could be like if we let robots take over the planet. Before you know it they'll be doing Gene Kelly and Bob Deniro impressions....

Dog diving....

On my recent holiday in Cornwall I managed to capture this quite amazing new sport of dog diving. This incredible Labrador, called Barney, was diving off the harbour wall at Mullion Cove into the fairly choppy sea. What dogs will do for a rubber ball eh....

Whats on?...

What's on in Tonbridge? Well quite a few things actually. There's Heritage weekend on the 13th and 14th of this month, Tonbridge Castle, Somerhill, the Parish Church and other local buildings will be opening their doors free of charge as part of this. So if you ever fancied going to the top of the Castle and having that superb panoramic view across the town and the surrounding countryside, but where too tight to fork out for the gatehouse tour then now's your chance. The same weekend there's Art on the Railings, hosted by the so-called Platonic Artists Sue Vass and Wendy Asprey, which brings a flavour (ok a pinch) of the Rive Gauch to our fair town. Go down to the river, beneath the Castle and you'll be able to view (perchance to buy) some really quite stunning artwork mostly by artists who actually make a living from it. No disrespect to Tonbridge Art Group and the like, but your stuff is relatively crap and their's is pretty good and thought provoking. Not forgetting Poetry at the Ivy which is this Thursday at the Ivy (funnily enough) 8pm in the main bar. Read out a couple of poems, chill out with a few beers, or wines, have a chat with some fellow poetry fans. You'll everything from hip hop and spoken word, Scrubious Pip-type material to Shakepeare and Shelley. Come along and grab yourself some culture before the new Autumn TV schedule sucks you in to a life of couch potatoery....

Butterflies....

The kids are mostly back at school now, give or take the odd private school whose holidays seem to go on forever, and I still get that nervous feeling myself. I felt nervous for my children last night and I had butterflies this morning as well. It was almost as if I were the one who would be meeting my new teacher, as if I'd be starting my GCSE subjects and be on the long winding road to A levels, perhaps university and a postgrad course; not to mention having to choose a career and meeting a girl/boy of your dreams, marriage, children of their own and all those responsibilities. But then again, the wild parties, the lifelong friends still to meet, the rock concerts, the girlfriends/boyfriends along the way, Olympics 2012? (who knows) the gap year travel, that first job in London, learning to drive, their first flat and home, ah independence....

Yellow Peril beats Brown Bomber by a whisker....

This is one of the best summer fete activities I've ever seen. It was 50p a bet and drew a large crowd of eager people keen to bet on the "horses" at the St. Minver church fete, which I stumbled across during a recent holiday in Cornwall. I've never seen it before so it could be a one off; they should market it as a national game....

Why can't skateboarding be an Olympic sport?...

They've done it again! Those idiots at 123-reg, who are the administrators for Tonbridge blog, have taken the site down again. How it can exceed it's bandwidth when I've only been around for about three days of the month is anyone's guess! So over to alternative Tonbridge blog once again, unless I put more coins in the meter. I don't know I come back from holidays in Cornwall all refreshed and bursting with blogs which need to be written to get them all off my chest and I'm frustrated once more. Here's one for you; if Tonbridge were hosting the Olympics what would we put into our eight minute slot at this year's closing ceremony? How about Kelly Holmes singing with Keane with the 2012 GB skateboarding team doing trick jumps outside a makeshift Sainsbury's! Any other thoughts?...

Can't stop us laughing....

Apparently 300 dogs have escaped from Battersea Dogs home after thieves broke into the charity's offices. At present the police have no strong leads!!! They can't stop us laughing, it's the only thing we've got left....

Welcome to Alternative Tonbridge blog....

If you've just discovered that there is an alternative Tonbridge blog then a big warm welcome. It is in fact Tonbridge blog with a slight difference. The occasional new posting which you won't find on the other Tblog, the odd different camera angle here and there. Its main purpose at the moment though is to be the only Tonbridge blog until those greedy sods at 123 reg put the other site back up. (Which will be on August 1st) I keep putting shillings in the meter but it just keeps on running out. So I've deceided to just blog here instead. In the long run the whole site might be redirected here because firstly it's free and, more importantly, it's free!!..

Enemy at the gates?...

Is this an invasion by the infidel; are the French attacking Tonbridge? Have we gone back in time? Are the enemy at the gates? No it's just the rather unusual sight of a climbing wall at the bottom of Tonbridge Castle (in fact on the High Street. Actually it's a publicity stunt for Carroty Wood and the Barnabas charity, but a really good one. If it wasn't for me gammy leg I'd have had a go meself!....

Murder and Black Witch Moths....

Come to think of it I watched a film called "Unfaithful" again last night, with Richard Gere and a lovely female actress who's name escapes me. Anyway by chance she meets a good looking and slightly weird bookseller, which ends up in a passionate and slightly violent affair. She is wracked with guilt but has fallen for him utterly, husband gets suspicious and hires a PI who gets photographic evidence of the affair. The husband secretly goes to see the bookseller, to warn him off but this turns into a murderous meeting when the jealous husband (Gere) spots a collectable snow ball, which is also very heavy, which he has given to his wife and now the wife has clearly given it to the bookseller as a love token. Result: sudden loss of control on the part of Gere's character and a whack over the head with the thick glass snowball, which almost instantaneously kills the bookseller. Then a cover up and later guilt and all the rest of it. The snow ball having been returned to the family home gives the game away. So let's recap: a bookseller gets murdered, then a black witch moth flies into my shop this morning; and I didn't even get to have the affair! Surely just my imagination running away with me!....

Black Witch Moth in Tonbridge?!..

I swear to you a bloody great big black moth floated past me and into my shop today as I was opening up. It had to be at least four inches across its wing span. Brief research leads me to think that it may be a Black Witch Moth which is often mistaken for a small bat, which was my first reaction. If it is then there is all sorts of mythology attached to this insect ranging from a bringer of death, to a loved one departed coming to say goodbye, through to a bringer of wealth. If I've got a choice I'll take the latter please! The thing is these particular winged creatures are native to Mexico and occasionally Texas, so what the hell is it doing in my shop in Tonbridge?! Anyway I hope to bring you some piccies later if I can spot the little blighter. It's here somewhere still, lurking behind an old tome, perhaps it's looking for its friends in Britiash Butterflies and Moths! The good news is that they are completely harmless to humans.

Bank job update....

See earlier post for Tonbridge blog's first on the spot report! It just shows you how wrong you can be and how we mustn't jump to conclusions. After holding the two men in the red BMW for at least twenty minutes, and in hand cuffs, I've just seen the Police shaking hands with the two lads and sending them on their merry way; so I guess it must have been a letting off then....

Bank St. Job....

Blimey another incident right under Tonbridge blog's nose; this really is too much excitement for a sleepy market town to bear! It was a fairly average, even slightly dull Tuesday until just a few minutes ago. This time a High Speed chase, albeit a short one, followed by a search, handcuffing and probable arrest of at least two men who were in the red car. You should be able to just about make them out in the photo. Lights blaring, siren whirring, five or six coppers in flack jackets. I don't mind telling you that I felt the adrenaline flowing and a strange urge to go in and help out. So imagine the excitement that the police must have felt. Is this Tonbridge or down town Miami?!

Another murder in Tonbridge??..

It seems that there could have been another major incident in Tonbridge, possibly even another murder; and down Church Lane of all places. If it weren't so serious it would remind one of an episode of Miss Marple or Inspector Morse. There were Police cars strung across the pavement, there were ambulances, white vans, detectives with clipboards surveying the crime scene, men and women in those white suits with hoods on that you see in Waking the Dead. But this was no TV programme this had happened right on our doorsteps in the centre of the old part on Tonbridge. The scene would appear to be the flats above the boarded up old shop on the corner of the lane leading to the Church and the High Street. Tonbridge blog will update you if any hard news surfaces. Has anyone else heard anything?...

The Stranglers eat your heart out....

Even when I'm happy people often say to me "Cheer up mate!" So I must appear to many as a miserable bugger. I'm not altogether sure that that's a fair assessment of my general mood but I do know that I can often be amused by the simplist and obscurist of things sometimes. Like earlier this week when I atttended the Slade School music evening and listened to all sorts of singers, choirs, recorder groups, piano scale players, flutists, even a clarionettist and some guitar players. There was a lot to take in and it was a warm afternoon, so you'll forgive me if I didn't give it my full attention for the whole two hours worth. I was however awoken from my semi comatosed state when one of the young guitar players began strumming some very recognisable notes. Dum da da, da da da dum da... yes it was the distinctive opening bars of the Strangler's well known 1970s hit "Walking on the Beaches (Looking at the Peaches)" I'm not sure how appropriate it was coming from a ten year old lad but it certainly made me chuckle....

Choosing the right Tonbridge school....

We are a high achieving academic school. We prepare our students to achieve at least 2 A grades at GCSE; we want our children to enjoy life outside of the school curiculum whilst still achieving high grades. We are a highly sought after specialist performance arts school. We have a high level of pastoral care. Tonbridge blog has been visiting some of the local schools trying to select which one(s) are suitable for one of my kids. I have my strong views on the selection procedure etc. but, for a change, have decided to tread a little carefully on this subject (for now) So come on then, what do you all think? Is it right to have grammar schools at all? Should those grammar schools be able to be super selective from a very wide area, including out of county, or should they serve the local community first and foremost? Should boys and girls as young as 11 be encouraged to travel up to one and a half hours a day each way? Could their time be used better than this? Do schools really specialise in the subjects they say they do or is it just a way of seeking more grants? That's a lot of questions for a wet Wednesday morning so let's hear a few views; have your say....

Be careful out there....

Be careful out there on the information super highway! That's the message to all you fellow bloggers, Beboers, YouTubers and especially, it seems, Facebookers. You never know who's tuning in. You'd have thought that young Crystal Palace contender, Ashley-Paul Robinson would have realised that by telling his facebook friends list that he may be moving to London rivals Fulham he was also telling the whole football world. But apparently he didn't. I mean it would be a bit like me mentioning online to a few people who I know read Tonbridge blog that I was hoping to complete a buy out of John Adams bookshop shortly and then being annoyed that I'd let the information slip. It wouldn't be true but it would be a bit like it....

Tonbridge Tunnels?...

Has fresh evidence of the existence of the network of tunnels emanating from Tonbridge Castle finally been unearthed? Tonbridge blog likes to believe that there's no smoke without fire and that these tunnels do exist; laying dormant, waiting for hidden treasures to be revealed one day perhaps, as foretold in the wonderful book "Tonbridge Legends." The reason for my sudden exitement? They are digging up the road at the junction of Castle St and Bank St due to a supposed collapse of a sewer. A likely story! Sounds like a cover up job to me. I shall be keeping a close eye as events unfold in this latest twist in the mystery of subterranean Tonbridge. In the meantime, if you are driving, then avoid the area if you can as there'll be a one way system in place down Castle Street and you won't be able to access Bank Street for about two weeks; this is bound to cause near chaos up and down the High Street also. Oh what joy! It might be a good time to dust off that push bike....

Libr8 yrself wiv a text....

Thrs a gr8 rticle on the Grdn www abt how th written word is bin ruined by texting. Actually it is saying the opp. that in fact it's a gr* eg of how the english lang is evolving. In fact, as the article points out this is nothing new. IOU was in use, for instance in the 1600s. I can well remember the Glam Rockers, Slade, with their "Gudbuy T Jane" and others trendily mispelt, in the 1970s, well before the age of the mobile phone. So I think I might set a challenge for you all. Come up with an short poem using texty type language; it concentrates the mind, have a go and I'll post the best few. As I said in the last posting: poetry can b v libr8in....

Incident at Tonbridge Castle toilets yesterday?...

Does anyone know what happened around the Castle carpark yesterday morning? I've heard a rumour that a paedophile, who had been watching people in the nearby public lavs, may have been arrested. There were at least two Police cars and an ambulance on the scene and ty wenet away with sirens and lights ablazing....

Poetry can be liberating just like blogging....

And so Poetry at the Ivy came and went. There will be no August poetry night so it was nice to see a really good turn out and some more new faces. There must have been 25 people there; the trouble for me is that I never know whether they'll be 3 people of 33. I sort of compere the evening and fill in with some of my favourite poems (and, unluckilily for some, a few of my own!) when there are long pauses. As the drinks flow most people tend to loosen up and let rip sometimes with frivolous material, as it's easier to hide behind the cloak of comedy, but just occasionally with some deeply personal stuff. The first time I read one of this type of poem out was at the Sevenoaks Arts Festival about four years ago and I don't mind telling you I had to fight back the tears; I learnt an important lesson that day; some poems are for yourself and close friends, others are to be performed and shared. A similar thing happened at Thursday night's event when a youngish woman, who was there with her group of friends performed one of her's; it was moving, meloncholy and a rather erotic and dark poem but boy what a moment in the evening. She was clearly moved herself, as were most of her audience; she commented later that she felt really good and liberated to, as it were share her thoughts publicly. Actually, thinking about it it's not so very different a feeling from blogging, except there's no hiding if you blub half way through reading something out in front of a group of strangers. It takes guts sometimes but most people think it's worth it just to reach one or two people....

This is not just a cock up....

Tonbridge is crying out for an M&S in the town! Or at least that's what I always used to think; that a Marks and Spencers would symbolise that Tonbridge was a quality High Street and not one to be avoided by big name retailers. Now it seems that the store chain is in deep trouble and I'm not altogether surprised. They have just thrown away a million pounds by hiring and then firing (less than a year later) Steven Essom, formerly of Waitrose who got, get this, a "Golden Hello" of £500,000 and now, no doubt, has got a similarly ridiculous Golden Parachute! I wonder what the news of that has done for staff morale among the £6.50 an hour floor sales assistants. This is not just a cock up, this is an M&S cock up. When I worked in advertising for the Daily Mirrror a few years back we held discussions with the group in more rosy economic times, regarding them advertising in the Mirror, which we liked to call the "quality popular newspaper" M&S were embarking on their now famous campaign: This is not just cream, this M&S thick double cream from only the finest rare breed Highland cattle in the outer Hebredes! Okay they didn't go quite that far but almost. Do you know what they actually bought it and placed several expensive colur pages across Mirror Group's titles. The problem wth M&S is that they just don't listen to market forces until it's too late. They used to lose bucket loads of customers, me included, for only taking M&S store cards and no other credit cards. They lost even more business, and still do to an extent, by pig-headedly refusing to stock lines other than their own label. They have relented a little more recently, but it's still too little too late. They have an old fashioned, middle market, middle of the road image which an awful lot of people have now switched off from. They don't know where they are going and it shows. If they ever do open a Tonbridge M&S, that is if John "I'm proud to stock Golliwogs" Bartram doesn't stand in their way I'll be queuing up for the job of Head of Strategy and my suitable Golden Hello, it would take me half an hour to tell them what they've pissed a million quid away to find out....

What a shower!...

Speaking of councils, Tonbridge blog loved the piece in the local rag over the weekend about the new name the council have dreamed up for Brain storming: "Thought showers" At first glance it seems like a fairly light hearted story and fairly slow news day stuff, but when you think about it it does typify the kind of time wasting that these very well paid people indulge in. If you didn't catch the story the gist is that certain do-goders in the council thought that "brain storm" might be offensive to people suffering from epilepsy! It seems that the people suffering from epilepsy hadn't even considered the matter as you can imagine (they probably have too many real problems on their plate.) The irony is that they probably had to have a "brain storm" to come up with the new name before they'd thought showered it! That said at least Tonbridge and Malling Borough Council are off the hook as it was Tunbridge Wells Borough Council's idea/brain storm/shower. It would be interesting to know when brain storm was invented and whether there was similar ridicule then. In my experience these ideas sessions are a complete waste of time anyway and just an excuse to procrastinate, but then that's just me. I'm just off to make a coffee and buy a few nice biscuits in wrappers to put on a plate, so I can have a storm/ ideas session/ thought shower/ thinking out of the box type meeting with myself to decide whether I should do any real work today or just keep blogging, or think of an entirely new direction for the business which I hadn't even considered; Hey you know what, there might be something in this blue sky thinking after all; careful though I don't want to offend people who like grey skies....

My way, or The Highways'?...

Tonbridge blog has reported the absence of adequate street lighting at the North end of town on a few occasions. The root of the problem seems to be that "the council" doesn't seem to know its arse from its elbow have worked out whose responsibility the lamps are; given that they are in the a conservation area (which is under review) in which case they might be Tonbridge and Malling Borough Council's responsibilty or whether they are just treated as part of "the Highways" in which case they are Kent Highway's (Kent County Council's) responsibility. Either way we still don't have any ruddy lights. Silverman's the jewellers have had two lights out on the Bank Street/High Street corner, right outside their shop for almost a whole year now. It really is pathetic and could make the area a haven for crime if they are not careful and don't sort out their act. How many council workers does it take to change a light bulb anyway? About 8,000 it seems, and they still haven't managed it! I've personally seen a letter from Steve Humphries, the Chief Exec of TMBC, who probably gets paid more than the Prime Minister and half the Cabinet combined, to Mrs Silverman in which he says the matter is in hand and being dealt with, and that he cannot understand why Kent Highways can't provide the right bulbs immediately; that was around two months ago and still nothing. I've also seen a reply from (don't forget the Sir) John Stanley, also nearly two months ago, who also says that he's looking into the matter and waiting for replies from the right people concerned, still nothing done, rien, nada, null. I know the council(s) are slow at the best of times, but really, these are light bulbs for Pete's sake!