Book Fair this Sunday and not much else to report....

This week I am mostly organising the West Kent Book Fair which is at Tonbridge School on Sunday the 16th from 10am to 4pm. I'll be running back and forth from my shop to Old Big School hall, talking to porters, newpapers, radio stations, putting up posters and banners etc. etc. There won't be alot of time for twittering and blogging so you'll all just have to talk among yourselves for a few days. There doesn't seem to be that much going on in the town. I think we're all in that period when Summer is over and it's too early to be gearing up for Christmas. I'll just take each days as it comes....

Dwain Chambers, Athlete, Drug Cheat, Role Model? Speaking at a Tonbridge School...

I hear that Dwain Chambers, the athlete and reformed drugs cheat, will be speaking at a Tonbridge school soon. He'll almost certainly tell his audience how tempting it is to give in to the desire to want to be the best at any cost. He might tell the children how much pressure you are under from the people around with vested interest in your success and from your peers to do the wrong thing. He'll no doubt tell them how he succumbed to that temptation and was found out, and banned from competing for two years and received a lifetime ban from the Olympics. But is coming clean and talking about it to impressionable school children and other vulnerable groups enough to cleanse him? Would he do the same again for glory if he thought he could get away with it? The International Olympic Association (IOC) are currently being legally challenged by other reformed drug cheats and under pressure to lift their life time bans. If they are successful then it'll probably mean that Dwain Chambers, who is British 100 metres champion, will be able to fulfil his dream of competing at London 2012. But is this right?...

Steve Jobs 1955-2011.

I love the simplicity of Apple's tribute to their founder, Steve Jobs, on their web site today. Quite touching. What a natural born world shaker....

The Tonbridge Insider is out right now....

See the October issue coming through your letter box any moment now. Or, if you like you can read it as a virtual magazine here

In the local papers....

Thankfully there were no pictures of me running in the Tonbridge Half Marathon in the Courier's Four Page Special! Most of the pictures seemed to be of Dame Kelly, Gawd bless her, and the winning athletes, such as Councillor Maria Heslop. Now admittedly she did run the 13.1 miles in less than half my time but then again she's probably one of those people who've been training all her life and did cross country at school while I was doing long jump and hurdles and drinking beer. 400 hundred metres was my limit until about ten years ago and even now I feel like breaking into a slow walk whenever I run over about 3 miles. It's all to do with the make up of your muscle fibres apparently. (That's my excuse anyway!) The winners probably didn't even ache the next day! I bet I can still beat them over the 110 metres hurdles though!

The other thing that stuck out in the papers was the salary of Tim Haynes, Tonbridge School's Head Master which apparently is worth holding the front page for. At public schools they're still called, quite rightly, Headmaster instead of the more modern Head Teacher which doesn't sound nearly as disciplinarian and traditional to me, that alone ought to worth another 50k! His salary, which is on public record, is quoted as £210,000, which has risen from £160,000 in less than 3 years. My first reaction was: Blimey I wouldn't mind some of that! and secondly: So what! There are plenty of people with less responsibility, and probably far less talent, earning way more than that (right bankers!) I should imagine running a school of that size and importance is the oraganizational equivalent of being Chief Executive Officer of a fairly sizable company. It's not public money so can't they pay him what they see fit? In any case this is most likely the sort of salary that they would have to pay to get the person they want. That said is he really worth any more than a good grammar school Head or, for that matter the head of a comprehensive school with discipline problems? Waddaya think?

Barmy Balmy weather....

Make the most of this unseasonally hot sunny weather, it won't be with us for many more days. Knowing that makes it all the more reason to savour it although, in truth, I'd prefer it to be slightly cooler than this especially since I'm working today and Sunday. If only August could have been like this! If the weather holds I think I'll have one last canoe trip down the Medway canoe trail before I cover Tallulah up for the winter. Let's hope I don't capsize (again) at those lock gate water shoots. Great time to stretch your legs and see the Autumn colours along the Wealdway between Tonbridge and Langton Green especially. Or a cycle ride around Bewl Water is just as nice for that. Or you could just sit in the garden with a long cool drink and read a book....

Tonbridge High Street Advertising Banners....

If anyone was wondering how come Sevenoak's Stag Theatre managed to get their pantomime banner with pictures of Dirty Den emblazoned across Tonbridge High Street then you'll be pleased to know that they have agreed to have them removed. It's a bit ironic when the Tonbridge Arts festival and other events in the town have been unable to get permission to have their advertising banners across the street when the Stag managed it isn't it. What a flippin cheek you might well think. As usual with council matters it beggars belief how these things come about. I'm reliably informed that the Stag applied, quite legitimately, to the council and gained the correct permission to erect their banners. The confusion of course is in that phrase: "the council." The council in this case is not Tonbridge and Malling Borough Council, who we'd like to think would never have given their permission, but Kent County Council who have jurisdiction over the highways and pavements which, apparently, includes the air above the roads as well as the actual tarmac! The result, in this case, was permission being granted to a Sevenoaks organisation who clearly met the safety criteria when previous Tonbridge applications have been unsuccessful for whatever reason. Joined up thinking? I think not!...

Runners World comments on the THM....

....And still with the Tonbridge Half Marathon (is this becoming an obsession?!) there's quite a few comments going onto Runners World about the event which you can read here. The overall impression seems to be that the event was well managed, it was a hot day and the course was pretty hilly and therefore not condusive to getting a PB (that's personal best if you're not offay with runners speak!) There are however a few negative comments especially about the lack of water particularly for the back runners which I must admit I did suffer from at least at two of the water stations. The way I think of that is simple: I should have ran faster! Some people on the Runners World blog even have a moan about the sparse goody bag! Who the hell cares whether you get a mug saying "I made a difference!" or a souvenir plastic drinks bottle or indeed some Porshe car shaped fruity sweets. Surely the point is you did it, you survived it or you improved on your previous best time. That's what counts and you don't nee a T shirt to prove that, just the memory. I still say that this race was a brilliant inorgira, inhorigarl. inaugmentable, first attempt and I'll be putting on my race callendar every year from now until I'm at least in the over 70s category!

Tonbridge Book Fair Free Entry on Sunday October 16th

Actually I call it the West Kent Book Fair, but it may as well be called the Tonbridge Book Fair. (Should I change the name back to Tonbridge?) Anyway it's on Sunday October 16th at Tonbridge School in Old Big School Hall, which is the one right on the High Street, from 10am to 4pm and this year it's free to enter to encourage the whole town just to go and see what's there. There'll be around 25 book sellers coming from all over the South East and beyond to sell books on every subject imaginable. Some dirt cheap, some just ridiculously expensive. Come and have a look. It's free and free parking. The coffees and teas might cost you 50p but you do get a biscuit and friendly smile for free!...

The Camaraderie of the Long Distance Runners....

I made it and I've got a medal, energy bar and fruity Porsche shaped sweets to prove it!

TWO HOURS THIRTY SIX MINUTES AND THIRTY SEVEN SECONDS. That was my official race time. Although, rather confusingly, my chip time was about a minute and a half quicker than that. I'm told that the chip time is the actual time I took from crossing the line at the start to crossing it again 13.1 miles later. Now you might not think that the point one of a mile was worth mentioning but, let me tell you that, by the time I came staggering and stuttering around that bend onto Brook Street, that short distance seemed like an eternity. The number 30 in the picture refers to my race number and not, alas, my position at the end of the race; in fact I came in 762nd place. Look at least I didn't come last! First of all let's do what they do in those post match TV sports interviews and look at the positives, which is usually code for we didn't do all that great but you're making me do an interview so I got to encourage the lads by not being down beat. The positives then: bearing in mind that this was my first ever half marathon, I achieved my first goal of completing the distance without stopping or walking. Secondly, I was disciplined in my approach to the whole race and didn't get too carried away by the day; I kept checking my heart rate monitor to make sure that I stayed within the limits most of the time. Thirdly, apart from the aching legs and actually most other parts of my body come to think of it, I managed to stay injury free. I got my medal and completed the race in just about enough time to see the prizes being given. In fact the more I think about it the whole day was very enjoyable, very well organised and, so far as most were concerned, seemed to go without a hitch. Right now though, even two days on, I still feel like I've gone 12 rounds with Lennox Lewis, been forced to climb up Ben Nevis and then been beaten up by a gang of hoodies! I haven't felt like this since my University rugby days when a couple of sadist ex-army blokes took over the training sessions. Let's just say that I found it hard. I mean I knew it wasn't going to be like a stroll round Barden Lake but it was much harder than I'd allowed for. I'd trained up to about nine miles but those extra 4.1 (let's not forget the point 1) were ran on will power alone. I can't tell you how much respect I have for the many serious runners who came in with times of 1 hr and 20 minutes or there abouts, the winner, Thomas Fewster, came home with a time of 1hr 15 mins and 48 seconds. This is phenomenal if you think about it. It means that he ran a mile every 5.7 minutes for the whole 13 miles. It is incredible what the human body is capable of when pushed to it's limits. I'd be happy, as would most people, if I could do one mile in that time let alone 13. So hats off to the serious athletes, you must put in a lot of time and energy to be that fast. I would urge you to consider taking up reading instead though as it's a lot less taxing on the knee and hip joints!
As I write this the memories of a wonderful day come flooding back to me. The melee at the start line, the joking and the camaraderie amongst the runners. Seeing Kelly Holmes, the official starter, and hearing her tell us to pace ourselves "...as it's a long way and it's a hot day!" She wasn't kidding either I must have perspired, no let's call it what it was, sweated enough to fill Haysden Lake! I remember the pounding of two thousand feet on the road as we rounded the bend into Molescroft Way. The chats on the way with people I recognised, the friendly faces in Leigh clapping and pushing us all on with their shouts of encouragement. As the field of runners became ever more stretched out in the countryside around Watts Cross and Chiddingstone Causeway some where finding it all a little too much and where, in some cases literally, being carried by their fellow runners; others were receiving first aid from the St. John's Ambulance volunteers. As we rounded the corner in Leigh for the second time some one shouted out that there were only four miles to go and I realised that I was in unknown territory. I'd never ran further in my life so I knew the rest of the course was going to hurt and I'd have to dig deep. More than once I had the urge to stop and just walk for a bit but I also knew that once I'd done that the concentration and momentum would have gone and it would be difficult to start running again. Although I'd ran along Lower Haysden Lane many times, at the end of the half marathon it seemed to go on forever, it may as well have been Route 66! Past the Country Park entrance, even more familiar territory I thought that I'd have enough energy for one final flourish in front of the crowds still gathered along Brook Street but, when it came to it, my legs felt like lead and it was all I could do to just get to the finish line. My son shouted to me somewhere along that home straight and I was vaguely aware of him running along side me for a while on the other side of the barriers. I told him afterwards that I might not have finished but for his encouragement. He thinks I was joking, but I'm not sure I was! I don't think it was Dame Kelly who put the medal around my neck as I crossed the finish line but I was too knackered to notice anyway, all I wanted to do was drink some cool water and pour a few buckets of it over my over-heating head. So that was my experience of a wonderful day on Sunday. Thanks to the organisers and sponsors and may see you again next year when I reckon I should easily be able to shave off at least those 37 seconds!

Tonbridge Half Marathon this Sunday....

I'm all charged up and ready to go for this Sunday's very first Tonbridge Half Marathon. It's also my very first.  I said jokingly a few months ago that I didn't want to peak too early. That was a joke to excuse my laziness in getting started with training but actually it's proved quite good advice to myself. If we allow for a lack of time, injuries to my calf muscles, work commitments and all those other excuses then I reckon I've got the training about right. The trouble is the unknown bit. You see I've walked 13 and more miles lots of times but I've still never ran it. I've taken what seems to be the majority view that you should train regularly up to 9 or 10 miles for this distance but no need to train to the full distance. The excitement of the day will, so they tell me, carry me through to the finish line. Here's hoping so! I see from the list of runners and riders on the official THM web site that there are adrenalin junkies coming from all over the South East for the event. Many from parts of London, some from Brighton and at least one from Scotland. I hope they all enjoy glimpses of the countryside in the Garden of England as they whiz by. I'll be taking my time and just hoping for no injuries; a time of sub 2hrs and I'll be absolutely delighted for a first time out. To put that in perspective, Dame Kelly Holmes, were she to compete, would probably come in around the hour and ten mins mark, Paula Radcliffe, would be pushing for under an hour and Mo Farah would probably have finished before most of us had even got into our stride! But then they are the absolute cream of elite athletes and they do train twice a day six days a week!...

PB's and PMA The ingredients needed for the THM...

I'm now counting down the days and indeed the hours to the Tonbridge Half Marathon which is this Sunday. On Monday I did my very last training session before the event and I was quite worried that I'd pull something (usually a calf muscle) or turn an ankle over or be bitten by a dog. But none of those things happened. I kept it down to about five miles of pretty gentle jogging as I wanted to save my best for the day. I'm getting rather excited about the whole thing now. I'm sure that I won't win any prizes (except maybe the wooden spoon for last place!) but here's hoping for a PB which I'm sure I'll get with a PMA. Someone please translate....

Pepper Grinder lives on....

Looks like the Pepper Grinder, that superb sandwich bar at the north end of Tonbridge High Street, may have had a change of heart as they seem to have reopened. Maybe it's under new owners. I'll have to investigate further. Just hope that the tuna mayo bagettes with extra mixed salad and black pepper is just as good as before. Mmmm my mouth is watering at the thought of it....

New Look Rose and Crown....

Distributing posters and flyers for the West Kent Book Fair (on Sunday 16th at Tonbridge School by the way) I went into the new look Rose and Crown under new ownership if you didn't know. And very swanky the new bar area looks too. I may even go in for a drink and perhaps even a meal sometime soon to try it out. Mind you I'm slightly surprised that they haven't got a What's On? notice board for their guests. How else will they know where to go for the book fair when they have half a day to kill on that Sunday?!..

Good day to walk.....

There was obviously an accident or something on the A21 judging by the huge tailbacks right along the High Street this morning. I heard that it may even have been closed completely between Kipings Cross and Tunbridge Wells. The police were out in force on Quarry Hill and cars were at a virtual standstill. Looks like I picked a good day to walk into work....

Missed Bob Ogley talk last night....

Blast it! I couldn't make the Civic Society talk last night which was a pity. I especially wanted to go because I knew it was author Bob Ogley doing the presentation. Bob has written a number of very informative books on Kent including Kent Chronicles of the 20th Century and that one about the storms of 1987. Still I can always just read his books but it would hav been nice to hear some of it from the man himself....

50 Not Out....

Two of my very best friends are having their fiftieth birthdays this weekend which is making me glad and yet sad at the same time. Glad that I'm going to a big party in King's Hill on Saturday night, glad for them that they've been so successful in their lives, glad that I'm having a bit of a reunion with some old university chums. But, on the other hand sad that we're all getting older and gradually sliding downhill. It'll be my turn next year but, for now I'm going to rejoice at being the youngest in my circle of friends, albeit only by a few months!...

Meet Tonbridge Ted....



Called, quite simply, Ted

 The previous post was a little near the knuckle but Tonbridge Blog never promised you a squeaky clean site now did he? Anyway to calm down the nerves of readers of a more sensitive nature here is a picture of Ted who genuinely is my old teddy bear and, until recently, sat in Kids Corner at Mr. Books. He's taking a well earned holiday at the moment. I think I'll rename him Tonbridge Ted. Yes, that has it has a ring to it!...

One Man's view of Tonbridge....

Somebody calling himself MrLean sent me this on twitter today. Why? I'm not quite sure but there it was anyway. WARNING: this does contain, to use an old expression of my Mum's, some pretty blue language so don't read it if you are of a sensitive disposition. Also be warned that it contains some pretty depressing views about the town you live in so don't read it if you want to keep your nice rosy image of Tonbridge. I thought it was worth publishing because it's clear that some, especially younger, people do actually have these kind of views however misplaced. Though I'd say to Mister Lean or Dejay Lean or whatever he likes to call himself: It ain't nothing new mate! Young people get itchy feet, they want to break free; song lyrics have been talking about it down the ages. You've got the big bad city 35 miles up the train track and a whole world beyond it. Go and do some travelling, live your life, do some interesting things, visit some interesting places talk to lots of weird and wonderful people. Then come back some day and you'll realise it really isn't all that bad. Here's his blog post and if you can stomach more of it look here....

F*#k Tonbridge (his heading not mine!)

Most people dislike their home town, I’m sure. (Except residents of Bristol and Brighton actually, but I’ll probably come back to that.) I’ve disliked the majority of places that I’ve lived over the years, but I can think of places I did like, and still do; Rochester is picturesque in places, with its Dickensian charms and old buildings, and I did enjoy my brief tenure in Bearsted (before the aforementioned house fire). The cricket green our house backed on to, juxtaposed with two old style pubs was definitely aesthetically pleasing, and the village as a whole was pretty in its construction; lots of green spaces, old thatched roof cottages, and happily for the 3 male occupants of our house there was a near continuous stream of fit women pouring into the pub next door.

There have been places that were less enjoyable of course: Chatham was, as the area’s reputation might indicate, an absolute dump, populated by for the most part, very scummy people – for example my neighbour (who I’d know for years and who I always knew was a slight strange) turned out to be a rapist. That’s just an example of the type of people that live there; I’m not saying just because you lived in Chatham once upon a time you always precede coitus with a savage beating, but if the cap fits…

Most areas generally have a redeeming feature, one silver lining in amongst the retarded inhabitants and horribly designed cityscapes. For example in Chatham, there is a lovely park next to a college, which means you can effectively sit in the sun and get stoned and pissed whilst looking at 18 year old art students. In Horsmonden the general tranquillity and the horses at the bottom of the garden made up for the fact the village is the most remote place in the whole of Europe, and in Rochester the historical references to Dickens and co are redemptive of the fact that the town is sandwiched between Strood and Chatham. (For those not au fait with the area, imagine a sexual experience with Courtney Love, and Natalie Cassidy. You’re the ham in their sticky pale skin sandwich, in much the same way Rochester is infringed upon by two frankly horribly shit places.)

There is however once place, that has no saving grace; A place where it has rained everyday since 1952. The same place where bizarrely there are no married couples. The sky is always grey there, and rumour has it there are no fish in the river. In this place it’s perfectly normal, and acceptable for girls to have had sex with 49 men before their 18^th birthday (She actually used to read this blog, until she decided I was a “two faced prick” so I doubt she will be reading anytime soon.) Legend has it that Hitler initially had this place earmarked for Auschwitz but was worried about the effect the smog there might have on his German soldiers. This place, Tonbridge, is my town, and I hate it.

Apparently some people like Tonbridge. I don’t believe them. I think they hear my best friend and I constantly cussing the place, and have decided we are pricks and just want to argue with us. There is no reason to like this town. There is nothing here for anyone, except evidently amorous teenagers…

Situated between Sevenoaks and Tunbridge Wells, should make for a decent place. We have two relatively rich neighbouring towns, with haven’t really been overly affected by the recent period of austerity and we are geographically close to London, and Brighton, with decent travel links also. I know what some readers might be thinking at this point – redeeming features? NO. These things are a further kick in the teeth. Our richer, more historically important neighbours simply serve as a reminder of how disappointing a place my home town is. The river meanders through the town, which could be quite pleasant, but the problem with the river is the drunken dickheads constantly attempting to kill themselves/their significant others/their children in it. On a day where the council aren’t fishing bloated bodies from the river a stroll down by the riverside could be enjoyable, however the reeds and the muddy banks beside resemble a landfill site. A landfill site with a special section for needle and nappy disposal.

Tonbridge, according to Wikipedia, has 30,340 residents, all of whom can be found in the Wetherspoons, which is named after Humphrey Bean, on a Friday, Saturday, and Sunday night. I put in some research to find out about Mr Bean (the namesake of the pub, as opposed to Rowan Atkinson’s perennially unfortunate television character) in the hope that he would turn out to be a paedophile/mass murderer/insert other despicable crime here, as this would certainly add to the conviction of my diatribe, however it turns out he doesn’t exist. That’s good enough for me. Tonbridge’s primary watering hole is named after a fabricated character. In Rochester, they have the actual chalet Dickens wrote Great Expectations in, and the pub next door: Great Expectations. Even in Horsmonden (remember its half a million miles from civilisation) their pub is named after a local war hero. In Tonbridge they didn’t even have anyone worth naming a pub after). I’m going to assume Mr Bean’s mother actually named him Humphrey, because at times that’s the level of general retardation the unfortunate looking occupants of Tonbridge display, so that would fit nicely.

Pubs aside, Tonbridge town is bleak as fuck. I was recently looking through some pictures of the Somme. It looks a lot more fun than an afternoon in Tonbridge.  The “town centre” is one road. It has 145 hairdressers, 55 charity shops, and about 15 chain restaurants where you can buy 2 meals for 10 pounds (Microwave + Table + Waiter = Tonbridge ASK). 50% of the shops are empty and thus badly vandalised, and on Saturday morning, I genuinely counted 15 piles of sick between my house and the local McDonalds. That journey was probably 200 yards. More concerning that then sick piles however was the blood caked thong, deposited neatly next to a dog shit bin. That was just beautiful.

Tonbridge parenting is something else. I said there are no married couples, which was a bit of an exaggeration, I realised two of my friends are married, so there is at least one married couple. It would be too easy to label all of the parents here as the “Jeremy Kyle generation” but I know of three couples who live within walking distance who have featured on the popular mid morning freak show that is JK. Discipline in Tonbridge is, as far I’ve witnessed non existent or frankly sadist. The two general schools of parenthood appear to be “ignore the little shit” or “scream at the little shit”. Either way, we have created, (as detailed in my Intersports > JD Sports blog post) a generation of mongy, disrespectful youths who’s idea of a nice time is harassing punters outside of the local off license, or harassing punters outside the local pub, which is incidentally where their absent fathers can be found, when their not harassing the mother of their children’s new boyfriends. I am not going to talk about anyone personally, as I have set out to mildly offend a whole town, as opposed to horribly offend particular people, but suffice to say you would be shocked at some of the things I know about a number of the parents in this town. The half naked toddlers running riot in estates all over North Tonbridge (the very nadir of what is already an abhorrently horrid town) really do remind me of the famous picture of the Vietnamese child covered in napalm running down the road, except children of Tonbridge aren’t covered in 46 parts polystyrene, 33 parts petrol, and 21 parts benzene (napalm to most people), they are covered in a light layer of dirt. The parents of the dirty children are “horribly depressed”. So “horribly depressed” they smoke weed all day every day, and sniff copious amounts of cocaine at the weekends. I am not one to talk about partying habits and whatnot; however I do not have a number of young dependants, by a number of absent sperm donors. Dirty children in clothes that don’t fit obviously pale into insignificance when compared to the parents need to blunt the edge of the knife of realisation, by “bunning” (youth speak for smoking, so I’m told) some of Tonbridge’s finest home-grown herbal remedy. The realisation, of course is that your children are going to grow up to hate you, because you are shit parents, coupled with the fact you live in a shit town. The doctors surgery in Tonbridge is inundated with young-ish mothers seeking repeat prescriptions of their anti-depressants/anti-anxiety pills/sleepers – perhaps a more sensible idea would be to ascertain the scale of the women’s drug abuse, and build a care plan based around that, so that next time I go to the doctors to get my ears syringed my appointment isn’t actually delayed by 2 hours, because of an emotionally unstable North Tonbridge mother deciding to have a breakdown (read probable drug induced spastic attack) in the surgery. Remember Tonbridge mothers, when all else fails: “SHUT UP YOU C*NT, YOU’RE DOING MY F*CKING HEAD IN!” – Yep, it really is that bad.

The people, the shops, the pubs and the geography aside, Tonbridge has a horrible feeling associated with it. A general unhappiness resides, and hangs heavily in the air like mustard gas, so much so that it makes my soul hurt to spend longer than 15 minutes in the town, and I am almost sure that much like the theory about smoking cigarettes (1 cigarette depletes 15 minutes of your life) living in Tonbridge is terrible for your health. I had one grey hair when I moved here, and 2 years later I’m at the stage of finding grey hairs in my beard, and even one on my chest recently, which makes me quite unhappy. But not as unhappy as living in Tonbridge. We recently went on a rather massive party weekend, spent time in London and Bristol. I cannot put into words how sad I felt on the main road back into Tonbridge. Ben simply rolled down the window, looked at the decimation we were entering and bellowed: “SHITHOLE!!!!” Tonbridge.Nail.Head.

I know basically I am a bit of a prick, because there are plenty of Somalian children in Mogadishu, who would kill for a meal in the ASK, a pint in the Wetherspoons, and to be shouted at by some strange North Tonbridge woman for no particular reason, but I for one harbour an intent to leave this town, and all of the retards in it behind, and until the day I relocate to Bristol, or Brighton, or somewhere more suited to the lifestyle of Mr Lean I will continue to insult this shithole town and its retarded residents, and if you don’t like it, you can find me in the Mr Bean Wetherspoons, insulting you, the mother of your children and your town.

Big Kisses residents of Tonbridge, you truly fucking suck.

Half Marathon training: It's all so confusing....

I can't believe that the Tonbridge Half Marathon, the first ever, and my first ever, is only two weeks away! OMG, as they say on Facebook and other such sites, and a very nervous LOL while we're at it! Someone told me yesterday that the best training routine is a 9 mile run at the weekend and a 4-5 miler mid week. Now she tells me! Well it's a bit late now to change my whole routine. Basically I've just been running as far as I can once a week, which is about all I have time for. I've also been cycling to work which, admittedly, is only a couple of miles but there are some uphill bits! Does canoeing and body boarding count as training? How about painting the house and gardening? Another runner told me that I should run the 13 miles just to make sure I can run the distance. Sod that. 13 miles will be the furthest I've ever ran or, for that matter, ever likely to so I'm not going to make a habit of it am I?! Everyone else has told me that the excitement of the day of the race, the adrenalin and the crowds will cry me those extra few miles. Well here's hoping that the majority opinion is the right one. Then there's what food to eat? Don't get me started on that! Luckily I love pasta anyway. There's so many varying opinions on everything to do with running these distance races that I've decided to do the only thing I really trust and that's to listen to my body. Mind you my body was telling me weeks ago to not be so crazy and put my feet up so what does it know! My plan for the next two weeks is to put in one more 8-9 miler and then rest my body, come what may, to the event on Sunday September 25th. Oh, and I might stuff my face with lots of Spag Bol....

'ave ye sin that book: Kentish As She Wus Spoke?

I've just had a really nice conversation with an Australian family who were over here and came to specifically see me can you believe that?! The mum was born and brought up in Tonbridge and had been over in Oz for twenty odd years. She paid me a great compliment by saying that this blog was what had kept her in touch with her home town in recent years more than anything else. Bless her. Her husband was originally from Tunbridge Wells but we can't blame him for that! She reminisced about her days at Slade School in the 1960s when they could smell the cattle and livestock as they were traded on the market right next door to the school. Them were the days eh! Then we had a natter about how their accents had changed over the time they'd spent away and yet her friends in Oz still pick her up on her strange choice of words. The book she bought? Why Kentish As She Wus Spoke of course! They'll be taking it back to educate those Aussie friends of there's!...

September Tonbridge Insider out now....

Look out for your copy of the latest issue of TheTonbridge Insider which should be dropping on your door mat very soon if it hasn't already....

Residents save 1-3 Bank Street from the wrecking balls....

Tonbridge Blog has it on good authority that the fight to save 1-3 Bank Street from the demolition wrecking balls has finally been won. This is a huge victory for the Slade Area Residents Association (SARA) who've been dead against this from the start. A word of warning though to SARA: these developers are very canny and they've done all this a thousand times before. They often find another way of getting what they want, which is not usually what the residents want. They seem to be very patient and willing to wear planners and the public down over time. Not long ago it seemed to have been agreed that 1-3 Bank Street, which is almost opposite Mr. Books and is supposed to have been the first Tonbridge Bank, (thus giving the street its name) was destined to be redeveloped as a home for Hadlow College students; everyone seemed to be pleased with that outcome. Now that seems to have fallen through and then, surprise, surprise Marpaul, the owners, sneak through another planning application to tear down the half-delapidated building which, no doubt, they are claiming isn't fit to be saved. If it isn't fit to be saved then, it could be strongly argued, the reason for this is Marpaul's own neglect. Something needs to happen with this pigeon infested building soon or the council should have the right to compulsorily purchase it at below market price and turn it into something useful for the community. It's right in the heart of the old town centre and it's being allowed to crumble into dust, it just beggars belief. Comments below please....

Goodbye Pepper Grinder....

It's always sad when any local business closes but it's even sadder when an apparently thriving one closes right near you. Especially when it's the place you used to buy your sandwiches from! Now that the Pepper Grinder has wrapped it's last tuna mayo bagette on white with butter, extra mixed salad and black pepper where will I go now for my weekly treat? I didn't even get the chance to say goodbye to the girls in there but I wish them well whatever they chose to do next. Maybe someone will see an opportunity and open another equally fabulous sandwich bar at the north end of the High Street....

Antonio's back at Antonia's!...

Regular diners at Antonia's, at the north end of Tonbridge High Street, will be pleased to know that Head Chef, Antonio, has returned from his refreshing holiday back in Portugal no doubt full of new ideas of how to tempt your taste buds. Antonio of course is not to be confused with Antonia, the owner's other half after which the restaurant was named. It's just a happy co-incidence. Just thought I'd clear that up!...

Tonbridge Half Marathon gets 1,000 runners....

I see that the Tonbridge Half Marathon has attracted adrenalin junkies from far afield and has reached its limit of 1,000 runners. Must be an insurance thing as I'm sure Tunbridge Wells and Paddock Wood both attract over 2,000 and the Great North Run must be have around a million! So that's all more competition for me then as I push for my first recorded time over anything like that distance. Back in the day 110 metres hurdles was my main event. 14 seconds of explosive energy, a bit of a lunge for the line and it's over; so the prospect of 13 miles fills me full of excitement and dread all at the same time. Quite simply it will be the longest run I've ever done so please take pity on me if you see me straggling at the back of the field gasping for water and air. Sub 2 hours would be an achievement for me but I'm sure that the winner will come home in not much more than an hour. I don't quite qualify for the over 50s prize although if I have a bad run I might by the time I finish the race!...

A new Tonbridge blogger!!!!

There's a new blogger in Tonbridge called Tonbridge Daily which tries to give you a snippet, yes you've guessed it, daily about Tonbridge. I happen to know the author of this blog quite well and she certainly knows the town well. There's a nice piece about the newly refurbished Rose and Crown on the site which is worth a gander. I would add the blog to the useful list to the left but then she might take over from Tonbridge Blog in popularity and we couldn't have that!...

Tonbridge Twee up....

Apparently Tonbridge Blog missed the Tonbridgetweetup last night at the Rose and Crown Hotel. I think the idea was that all the twitter people from the Tonbridge area should get together and meet up (thus tweet up you see!) have a few drinks and generally socialise with each other. Well I thought about going but decided that I was washing my hair instead. It just sounded a bit too, well, twee for me. One of the best things about twitter for me is the anonymity of it all, if you go around actually physically meeting all your fellow tweeters (or is it twitterers, or just twitts maybe) then you might end up liking them and actually being nice to them all and that would certainly be too twee for me. If anyone especially does want to meet me then they can jolly well just come along to my twook shop at twoo Bank Stweeeet. That said, when is the next Tonbridgetweetup? I may just go along the once just to see how twee it could be....

Country Market saves the day....

I decided to walk down to work in the dreadful rain this morning across Tonbridge. It looked more like November than late August but that's the English summer for you! When I got as far as the High Street I realised that I had brought no lunch with me. Thoughts of a day starving at my desk were soon pushed away by the opportunities I remembered lay in front of me (the advantages of being on foot!) A sandwich from the Co-op would have been the obvious and quickest answer but I decided that this wouldn't be at all adventurous. Then there's always the Pepper Grinder sandwich bar which does a mighty fine Tuna mayo bagette. The day was saved though when I saw the sign next to Lamberts Yard advertising the Tonbridge Country Market. This is always worth a visit on a Friday morning for a choice of home made cakes, bread from Rusbridge Bakers of Southborough, fresh fruit and veg from a smallholder and lots of other treats. This visit I was purely interested in today's lunch so I opted for home made sausage rolls and an individual quishe, some shortbread biscuits (for elevensies) and a fudge brownie for afters. I could have bought so much more but then I'd have to keep it all day and carry it home in the evening so that was enough to be going on with.  Now I've made myself hungry so I'll have to go and eat them!...

Discovery apples give away....

The reason Mr. Books has been able to make the incredible offer of an apple and pad with every book sold is that I've had an absolutely amazing crop on my tree at home this season. I only have the one Discovery tree but, my word, has it produced some apples this year. Well we do live in the Garden of England. I must have lost as many on the ground as well but no matter, there's been plenty more where they came from. In fact I'm surprised the tree hasn't fallen over with the weight of them all! If I knew how to store the juicy beauties properly they'd probably last until 2013 but the truth is after the first two dozen or so you get a bit bored of eating them, even as sweet and delicious as they are. So you see I can spare a few apples to give away to loyal customers. Not quite an i pad but then you can't eat an i pad can you! (very easily anyway)

Free Apple + pad offer....

Apple + pad looks a bit like apple i-pad (geddit?!)

Ok my amazing offer of an apple + pad on the black board outside Mr. Books only fooled one or two folks yesterday and it was only a bit of fun. Laughter remember that. We used to do it before the recession!...

Crunch time for Mr. Books?...

Spotted this amazing offer whilst out and about in Tonbridge this morning. It's incredible what some retailers will do to drum up trade. Surely he'll be out of business in no time if he's serious with this one....

South Tonbridge Pub Crawl Part Two....

So the challenge of a half pint in each of the pubs in South Tonbridge on a Monday evening had been set and my wife and I had already been to three (see last post.) Walking in the vague direction of The Punch and Judy or maybe the Foresters it suddenly hit me that there was one pub in South Tonbridge I'd never been to in all of my 22 years living in the town. The Nelson, on the corner of Nelson Avenue and Cromer Street, nestled on, some say the right side of the nearby railway tracks. This establishment has the appearance of one of the those old Victorian  public houses more at home in the East End of London; big and imposing, a bit out dated but sometimes they can be the best places. When we eventually arrived there, having walked around the houses a few times to find it, I must confess to feeling a tad disappointed. Firstly it looked closed, as there didn't seem to be enough lights on from the angle we approached it. Then we entered to the scene which was becoming familiar: a barmaid looking very unbusy, being mostly ignored by the half dozen blokes in there sat around glued to football on the large sports screen. I'll be honest and say that my first reaction was to walk straight out again but my wife had already found out that the served Whitstable Brewery's Bay bitter and had put the order in for two halves. This turned out to be our best move of the evening. Teri, the bubbly barmaid, who confided in my wife that she was no footy fan, seemed positively delighted to have the company of some new customers and within a few minutes was swapping Jamie Oliver recipes for Salmon and roasted vegetable dishes! They had happy hour going until the first goal scored, which meant that we had enjoyed our first drink at a knock down price. Teri was good at selling the place too, saying that the new landlady was making a real effort by introducing music nights, food theme nights and interesting beers to try to turn the place round. We must have enjoyed it there as it became the first pub of the evening where we indulged in a second half (steady on now!) We had the same again as this was the only bitter they were serving last night and it was very enjoyable, although this time it was full price as one of the Man U players had, rather annoying, broken the deadlock on about 70 minutes. We left the Nelson with the distinct feeling that we'd discovered a hidden jewel of Tonbridge and that we'd definitely be back. We decided to make the last stop of the night the Punch and Judy, at the back of Tonbridge Police Station, probably the least adventurous of all the pubs we'd been to as we have had a few drinks in there fairly recently. We were glad we did though as the first thing I spotted when approaching the bar to order was the Tonbridge Brewery logo. What a delightful sight. I never understand why local pubs can't support local beers and here was one that was doing just that. The P&J isn't the most atmospheric or pubs in the area by any means and it was a Monday night, but, hey, I'm a sucker for good beer. Two halves of a very tasty Auburn Myth later and we were ready for setting off back home after a wonderful educational beer and pub tour of the South end of the town. Best pub of the night: The Nelson. Best beer of the night: without a doubt the Auburn Myth. Share your own thoughts on the best pubs in the town....

South Tonbridge Pub Crawl Part One....

I don't often go on a pub crawl in Tonbridge. Or anywhere else for that matter. So last night, on a crazy summertime whim, my wife and I set off on our optimistic tour to try the beers in the pubs of South Tonbridge on a Monday night! Full of hope (well we don't get out much!) our first stop was the Primrose Inn on Pembury Road, which could be described as my local, except I've only actually been in there maybe four times in my 22 years living in Tonbridge, which might tell a story in itself. The beer was a very passable Harvey's Best Bitter but I'm afraid the atmosphere was a near death experience as a handful of regulars sat around watching football on the large sport screen. Well I guess it was Man United vs Tottenham and the first home game of the Premier League title holder's season so I might have expected this. We sat and chatted in a quieter corner and might well have stayed longer but for the task we'd set ourselves of having a half pint in each of the pubs we hardly ever frequent.
Next stop was The Cardinal's Error, right on the far edge of town, an old, many say haunted, drinking establishment. The choice of beer was uninspiring so I'm afraid it was another Harvey's for me and, even worse, a John Smith's Smooth, for my wife. I always find Harvey's Best a little too hoppy but I must say this one was perfectly acceptable. Again though the atmosphere was completely killed by the football coverage which this time seemed to be on full volume. They did have a covered area outside mainly for the smokers but even there the sports screen dominated so we had to sit in the corner so we could talk a little over the Mancunian strains of Gary Neville's half time summary of a goaless period. The trouble is I am a bit of a fan but if I'd wanted to watch the game I probably would have stayed at home and drank cheaper and nicer beer, but it was hard to keep my eyes from drifting over to the action on the TV screens. So we stayed for just the one half, didn't see a ghostly image of a lady in wide a brimmed hat and moved on to our next destination, The New Drum down Lavender Hill way. This is the sort of pub where you just know that the regulars will look at you as you walk in and indeed that proved to be the case. It reminded me just a little of that scene from American Werewolf in London when the two young tourists walk into the Yorkshire pub and everything goes silent! I exaggerate of course but you get the idea. This pub always looks out of place to me, almost like it should just be a house, but I guess that's how all pubs once were. Here it was impossible to get away from the football as there seemed to be a large screen on every wall. All eyes, except the barmaid's (who said she couldn't stand the game) were on one of the screens. The beer was Harvey's again but also Green King IPA and, curiously, Doom Bar, a Cornish light bitter which I'd tried many times on my holidays in that part of the world and is normally very refreshing. Problem was that I think I was the only person who'd sampled it that evening as I'm pretty sure I got the beer that had been kept warm in the pipes. Consequently it wasn't very enjoyable so that half became the quickest downed of the evening so that we could move on. But where to go next....

£1.40 for a litre of diesel? That's a bit rough!...

Back in Tonbridge I spotted this magnificent looking Bedford Truck recently in Sainsbury's Petrol Station probably bound for a classic car show or some such thing. Naturally Tonbridge Blog had come prepared and was able to whip out his camera phone to get this shot (with the owner's approval of course.) As you can see the owner has taken a great deal of pride in his vehicle which looked absolutely immaculate. I bet it isn't half thirsty for gas though. I was particularly taken by the little pooch in the seat beside them which just looked so cute and out of place in such a macho looking lorry I just wish she'd have behaved herself and posed properly for the photo! Clever little thing though as when I asked her what she thought of the price of  litre of diesel these days she replied "Rough." I couldn't agree more!...

Tonbridge Weather Forecast: The Stone is dry today!...

I was tickled, tickled I was (that makes me sound like Ken Dodd!) to see this rather unusual way of forecasting the weather whilst down in Cornwall. Apparently they have a better success rate than Kaddy Lee Preston on BBC South East! Hang up your own stone and put it to the test....

Cornwall Blog. Now there's a thought!...

What a lovely sunset from our holiday flat balcony

Waxing down our surf boards: Surfing Cornwall eh!

 I promised I wouldn't bore you with all my holiday photos from Cornwall because we all know how tedious that can be. Come on we've all been invited round to see the family or neighbour's holiday slide show and had to sit through, sometimes literally, thousands of similar shots of their family on the beach with boats and different objects in the background! After all this is a Tonbridge Blog not a Cornwall Blog (although that is a thought!) In any case I spent most of my time in the sea body boarding or swimming so it would have been tricky with the camera. But anyway here are just a few choice ones:

The Cadgwith Sea Shanty Singers at the Fishermans Festival

Prize winning catch for the smallest fish of the day

The largest catch of the day at the weigh in

Abbey Funeral Directors Advertorial....

There now follows an advertorial by Abbey Funeral Directors who are based on Tonbridge High Street. They like Tonbridge Blog so much that they're prepared to pay to take a link on it:

In a society where, according to a poll commissioned by the Foresters Friendly Society, only about 39% of the population have made a will, it is surprising that so many people are now looking to purchase a funeral plan.  

Part of the reason may be to protect assets. In the event that residential care is paid for from an individual’s personal assets, ring fencing savings to pay for funeral expenses may not work. When they are means tested, savings are just savings and your plans for their use has no importance, where a funeral plan is a purchase; the money has been spent and can’t be counted as part of your financial assets.

Whilst there is clearly financial value is buying a plan, for many people the main reason is to remove that responsibility from their families when they die. This only works when the plan is one which performs well at the time of need.

Often people approach us who have made some provision. Regrettably, too often they come to us with a plan that we cannot accept. Some insurance based schemes restrict the plan holder to using a particular funeral group. These details are often in the small print and come as an unpleasant shock. Also insurance backed schemes only promise a sum of money, the value of which will be eroded by inflation and may be insufficient to fund the funeral

Christine Parker and her daughter Jo, directors of Abbey Funeral Services Ltd are happy to discuss either existing plans or the purchase of a new plan. Their plans are totally flexible and portable and can be used at any funeral directors. If the plan holder moves to another area the plan can move with them to a local firm.

Chris and Jo will be hosting a coffee morning at Christ Church in Tonbridge High Street on Saturday 1^st October 2011 when they will be available to answer any questions regarding funeral planning, both new and existing.

 

ChrisP

Christine Parker

Managing Director

Abbey Funeral Services Ltd           

01732 360328

mob.07887553467

www.abbeyfs.co.uk

Taste the difference at the Tonbridge Farmers Market....

Steve The Chilliman, organiser of the Tonbridge Farmers Market, came to see me today in my shop to give me some flyers for the markets and also to have a chat. The market held last Sunday, which I missed as I was still on my hols, apparently wasn't as busy as the July event but, according to Steve, people had come to buy rather than just out of interest which is an encouraging sign. The next one is on September 11th and then the second Sunday of every month thereafter. He's also starting some special themed events at some of the markets coming up, so watch this space. I love the whole concept of farmers markets and they are great for the town and  the community. The only thing is though we have to support them by going along and buying some of the produce which is usually a bit more expensive than the supermarket but so much more tastey....

Back from Cornwall....

PS. I was half expecting to come back to a burnt out shell of a shop and having to put the pieces together but it seems that thankfully the riots didn't get this far. Cornwall wasn't quite like being abroad but I didn't have a mobile phone reception for most of my stay there and I only found out about the city riots a few days after the worst of them were over. Probably for the best really as I'm not sure I could have stood the blanket 24 hour news coverage of it all in minute detail. I find you don't get nearly as stressed out about events in the news when you bury your head in the sand (almost literally in my case!)

Tonbridge Blog is back....

Yes it didn't take much to work out that Tonbridge Blog was on holiday last week and in fact up to yesterday. As a matter of fact I'm going to be on semi holiday this week as well as I feel a little cheated having only had about a week and a half off since last summer (get the violins out!) It's a hard life being self employed sometimes. Since you ask yes I had a lovely time in Cornwall which, these days, feels a bit like a second home I've been there so often in the last few years. Did loads of surfing (well body boarding actually but same sort of thrill) lots of eating simple food like fish and burgers and saw lots of beautiful coves and the like. In fact I've had a bit of a sea over-load and I'm just glad to be back on firm land in the Garden of England. On the other hand I could quite easily have spent the rest of the summer in the West where the weather is best. Who wants to see some photos?!..

August Tonbridge Insider Out Now....

Read all about it. Read Tonbridge LOG, the printed word extention of this Blog, in this month's Tonbridge Insider. Haven't got your copy? Can't find a copy? No matter you can read it online as a kind of virtual magazine....

Talk among yourselves for a bit....

Share your news with the people of Tonbridge, chat about something, give us some juicy gossip (obtained legally of course and preferably not through phone hacking!) get something off your chest. Go on try blogging it really can be quite liberating....

Come and see Mr. B....

No not Mr. Books but Mr. B! If anyone went to Tunbridge Wells Boys Grammar School when a certain Mr. Dereck Barnard was in charge now's you chance to get your own back. Visit Mr. Books next week (probably only on fine days when he feels like it!) have a chat, buy some books, test his product knowledge and generally put him through his paces! Dereck will be in charge for the week so make him feel welcome....

To Bee or Not to Bee?...

I love bees. They work hard, they get very little reward personally for their efforts and, so far as we know, they never complain; in fact they spend most of their lives waggle dancing. In many ways they are the living proof that The Big Society might just be successful! Best of all, in my view, they provide us with the most beautiful breakfast substance available HONEY. Winnie the Pooh, that bear of very little brain, was obsessed with the stuff and who could blame him?! I'm obsessed with the stuff. (Does that mean that I also have a tiny brain? (Not necessarily!) So what is it about this stuff. I don't really know but what I do know is that I love it spread on toast and, better still, drizzled over my fave summer breakfast of the moment: Greek yogurt mixed with sliced banana and a handful of crunchy oat cereal. Try it you'll love it, I'm not sure I invented this treat but I've certainly gone some way to perfecting it. (Works equally well with a dollop of summer fruits.) The honey just finishes it off nicely and gives it that lovely rich sweetness that only good quality honey can. I have no proof for this except my own personal experience but I'm now convinced that local honey cures you of your hay fever. A bold claim I know but I'm not the first to say this. Let's just say that the jar I purchased from the Bourne Valley Farm stall at the last Tonbridge Farmers Market, pictured, worked for me and no they're not paying me to say this although they can if they wish!...

More on Pedestrianising Tonbridge High Street....

There's quite a body of people who want to see Tonbridge High Street pedestrianised. I've said before in previous posts that I have mixd views on this subject. Most folk tend to vote for what's best for them personally so I suppose I ought to be all for it. Tonbridge Blog is certainly all for bringing more trade into the town if that's what it will achieve. Fran Long has sent me a link to an e petition so if anyone feels strongly enough about it you know what to do:

Tonbridge High street has air quality that does not meet EU standards, due to heavy traffic congestion.  This is bad for our health.  Please sign the petition for pedestrianisation, using the link http://www.petitiononline.co.uk/petition/pedestrianise-tonbridge-high-street/3310 You may use either home or work address, whichever is local. Please forward on to anyone else who you think would be interested.

Thank you

Fran Long

Damn those Midget Gems!...

Dentists again this morning. That's the fifth time in under a month. First it was a crown fitting, then back for some lovely root canal work and dealing with a tricky absess! About 3 hours in the dreaded chair in all. Then, just when I thought it was all over before going back for another crown to be fitted in November, I was eating a curry the other day and crunched down on something hard (most probably a peppercorn) then there was an awful grinding noise and the terrible realisation that about a quarter of my tooth had cracked off. Luckily I'd eaten most of the meal by this time so at least I didn't have to chew on further! The pudding course had to be postponed for another time. Thus the visit today to sort that out. Damed those midget gems (my fave choice of sweets when I were a lad) and thank heaven for National Health dentists. So far I've had around a thousand pounds worth of treatment for £204. Still a fair chunk of my hard earned cash but a snip in comparison....

Tonbridge Farmers Market Number 3 coming up....

I'm really looking forward to the next Tonbridge Farmers Market on Sunday August 14th. If the July one was anything to go by it really is not to be missed. Behind Waitrose car park is the venue, with free parking (cos it's a Sunday) right opposite. Don't forget to visit the organiser, Steve The Chilli Man's, stall but prepare your taste buds for an onslaught of spices first. I tell you those dipping sauces ought to come with a government health warning! People of Tonbridge this is a great addition to our town and we need to support this one. Over 50 stalls selling every type of local produce imaginable, a covered eating area where you can sample the delights from the market and some craft stalls as well. What's not to like?...

Tonbridge Half Marathon here we come....

Here it is the route of the very first Tonbridge Half Marathon. Sunday September 25th. Bring it on!

Books on Tonbridge....

And while we're on the subject of books here's a montage (good word that) of my favourite books on Tonbridge. All available in Mr. Books naturally. Don't tell everyone though because there really aren't enough to go round. Neve's 1933 book The Tonbridge of Yesterday, for example, is so scarce that people have been known kill for it!....