Arfur Smith at the Tonbridge Arts Fest....

Tonbridgeite Arthur Smith, famed for his Grumpy Old Man appearances, is one of the patrons of the Tonbridge Arts Festival in June this year. He'll be hosting a night of comedy during the festival week. I've always been a bit of a fan of Arfur's particular brand of no nonsense, observational, edgey, slightly anarchic comedy so I'm looking forward to it. In the meantime I've just discovered him on twitter so here are some recent snippets, I should say tweets, from the site. Apparently I can just publish anything from twitter because it's already in the public domain so there. Keep those lawyers at bay.

I have woken to find I am a daffodil on the outskirts of Hebden Bridge

I passed a shop called "snog" today, outside which a young woman offered 'free samples' Can this be right? I was too gallant to ask for one

My iconic new Spring collection features on the Paris catwalk tomorrow - ultimate vintage charity shop retro grunge for the 21st century

Wanting a different Saturday night? I have donned a wet suit and am going swimming through the sewers of London. Meet beneath Balham tube

Women, I believe, divide into 2 types - those who like squeezing men's spots and those who find the idea disgusting

#myoldgags Years ago I won Young Scientist of the Year....he was a nice lad, kept him int the attic with his test tubes..

On Feb 29th he tweeted with self delusion: Jesus. Only been up an hour and already 14 women have proposed to me. Said yes to 9 of them.

I have woken to find I am an elderly baboon in Botswana

My God what are the Arts Festival letting themselves in for?! Follow him on twitter yourselves @arfursmith