Something Missing in Tonbridge?...

You would have been forgiven thinking that there was a major incident at the back of Somefield this mornng. There were police officers a squad car hastily parked at an angle in the road and a large crowd gathered to gawp at the scene. On closer inspection though, those police women did look a bit too attractive and there was something not quite right about the car. Then I noticed that we had suddenly acquired a new police station in Tonbridge. It turns out that a film crew has descended on the town and they are using the long vacant building alongside the river as a pretend police station for a TV series, starring Pauline Querk, called Missing. No never seen it myself but apparently it was very popular last time around hence the recommissioning of a new series, which will be shown next year. An hour later after having witnessed this scene in Bradford Street I'm sitting in my bookshop when in walks a familiar looking face. It probably sounded pathetic but I could resist saying "'Ere, aren't you that Rob Carver off The Bill..." (at least I didn't say "allo allo allo!") "That's right," the chap replied "...although I haven't been on The Bill for many years now..." Well he was the last time I tuned in and, if I remember correctly he had a bit of an alcohol problem and was having an affair with one of the WPCs, but that's by the by. Turns out that the actor, Mark Wingate, is also filming in Tonbridge on Missing; I think he said that they'll be around for the next two or three months for the programme, so look out for more dramatic arrests and long arms feeling peoples collars. I had quite a long chat with Mr. Wingate who fortunately for me loves books and has given me his wants list (I shan't tell you what's on it!) Keep 'em peeled!...

The Germans are coming!... to off load their debts....

Interesting article appeared today on the Telegraph web site with the heading: "Tunbridge Wells the 'debt capital of Europe'" Apparently near bankrupt Germans are coming over here having built up large debts in Europe in order to declare themselves bankrupt. This is due to Britain's far more lenient bankruptcy laws. Why Tunbridge Wells then? Apparently they like the area, it's quintesential Englishness appeals; it's also close to Ebbsfleet, so they can go home easily with all the money they've saved. Actually zee Tonbridge town ist just as gut and even closer to the Eurostar station. But we should probably keep quiet about it on this occasion!...

88 squillion quid is a lot of brass!...

I had a bit of a West Kent College day yesterday. Because of an arts festival project I'm getting involved in they had asked me to exhibit at their freshers day fair, which was from about 9am to 2-30pm on the car park outside the Speldhurst building. They couldn't have pickd a better day to be out in the open air. The Indian Summer sun was beating down on us, while the fresh breeze kept us from overheating. I spoke to alot of foreign students who all had the same questonaire to test their English skills, which, in most cases were badly lacking. I hope they catch up soon otherwise they'll be eaten alive at Tonbridge Saturday market. There were student bands and dance groups, some of which were incredibly good. I didn't sell many books, but no harm in putting Mr. Books name around town I say and I did go home with a bit of an unexpected sun tan. Some of the traders there were bitterly disappointed as one colourful character commented: "I'd have been better off if I'd got up this morning and burnt a five pound note!" But really what did they expect at a student fair? The Absolutely Fabulous girls to drop by with large bundles of cash?! There were some wonderful looking characters and creations on display outside the canteen area as students did what they do best together: hang out in largish groups, smoking, talking, sipping coffee and water, posing and eyeing each other up. Another less kind and I might add bitter and twisted older lady stall holder remarked that she thought that young people today had no direction "They seem to be just drifting!" Her colleague with her on the stall was even less kind and thought that National Service should be brought back to knock them all into shape and bring back respect. I told them that I thought that nothing had really changed that much since they were young but felt like saying: "Listen you bitter old gits: You two are market traders whereas every one of these young 'drifters' is here for a reason they have a course they have therefore a direction in life ergo, by definition, they are not drifters." But it would probably have been wasted on them!...
Then in the evening, remember I said at the start that I'd had a West Kent College day, I went along to the first talk of the season on the Tonbridge Civic Society programme of events held upstairs at the Angel Centre. The subject was something I did want to know more about, West Kent College's new multi million pound face lift. This is a massive project that will be a major contributor to Tonbridge and the surrounding area. Vice Principal, Chis Hare, told us broadly what the college is all about and where they expect to go, but the most interesting bit was by a representative from Dyer, the architects on the project, who took us through the building almost literally with the aid of computer graphics. It will be an amazing, state of the art building which is bound to attract an even wider audience of young adults eager to learn the mainly vocational subjects which the college offers. There'll be a skyline cafe with panoramic views right across the Weald of Kent, there'll be an incredible, versatile studio and theatre, health care facilities, even an open air theatre and conference area. All of this will be available in off peak hours to members of the community of Tonbridge. Yes there are bound to be teething problems and yes there will be more than a few issues over things like students parking in residential areas, but that will all be ironed out in time. Won't it be worth it for such a tremendous facility right on our door step? Mind you 88 squillion quid, which is what the project is costing, is a lot of money in anyone's book!...

Book quote number One....

Well someone's got to carry the flag for books haven't they!

"Next to acquiring good friends, the next best aquisition is that of good books." C.C. Colton (who he?!)

Christmas coming too early....

After having read the report in the local rag about card shops in Tonbridge starting to sell Christmas cards already (in mid-September for goodness sake!) I don't know what you all think about this subject but I'm reminded of a poem I wrote a couple of years ago about Christmas festivities coming too early and leading to confusion:

Christmas Comes Too Early
Christmas is coming
The Easter Bunny's getting fat,
Please put a penny for the Guy
In the old man's hat.
If you haven't got a penny
Some sweets will 'ave to do.
We shopped right through
Till New Year's Day
And missed it all, Oh drat!

Hand car wash update....

Google ads have been busy again as underneath the last posting about the car wash sign on the roundabout near the library is an ad for, yes you've guessed it, where to find your local hand car wash place! So there you have it: the hand car wash people should have advertised on Tonbridge Blog instead of wasting all that time standing in the cold breathing in exhaust fumes!...

A sign of the times?...

Have the police finally got tough with the Hand Car Wash kid on the roundabout? He seems to have disappeared from the face of Tonbridge. I'm all for a bit of enterprise and if they can make a few bob washing cars then good luck to 'em I say. But it's a shame that there can't be a way of stopping them standing in such a prominent location at the southern gateway of the town for whole days on end. It does look tacky to say the least and the people who organise it obviously know that there's a loophole in the law which allows them to stand there with their luminous sign. Pathetic really when you think about it isn't it. Now then does anyone fancy getting six quid an hour holding a placade for the Tonbridge Book Fair on October 25th?! I might as well expolit the same loophole, I've got a business to run you know!...

A saucey weekend!...

Went to the Penshurst Craft Fair on Sunday and concluded that it is really just a glorified market. Interesting, but really just a big market place. Why then does it cost over a fiver to get in? £5.80 to be precise, so that's £11.60 if you're a couple (thankfully children get in free.) To be perfectly honest with you all I had some freebie tickets, since I agreed to put a poster up in my shop for them so I shouldn't complain now should I! There were a staggering number of cars parked up by the marquees for the three day event when we arrived for what was to be a whistle-stop tour of the fair. Two hours later I was still walking around, stopping to talk to the traditional hurdle fencing guy, who sounded like a cider drinking country bumkin from the 19th Century. His prices certainly weren't 19th C though! I did manage to pick up a large blue breakfast cup from a pottery, which was £9 but just what I've been looking for for my morning coffee, and very individual. The lady told me I could stick it in the dishwasher and the microwave so that was good enough for me. Having said that if the handle falls off I'll have to wait for the next craft fair in May since I've no idea who she was. There was some serious money being made there I can tell you. Mind you those exhibitors have to take about £1,000 over the 3 days before they've made a penny. You see those stalls don't come cheap at around £700 for the average sized pitch. I know it sounds alot but the fella who was doing a roaring trade on the home made curry sauces stand told me that they would normally expect to take in the region of £6,000 at this fair. That's a heck of a lot more than Mr. Books takes at the average book fair I can tell you; maybe I'm in the wrong game after all and need to brush up on my ethnic and traditional culinary skills! What should I call this new venture? Why Mr. Sauce of course!...

24 hour slow news....

In a shock report we tell you how, in Tonbridge today, absolutely nothing new happened! TonbridgeBlog reported that the news was so slow as to have almost dried up. We'll bring you all the latest on that as events unfold....

Slow news day....

As someone pointed out in a recent comment this time of year is indeed the silly season when it comes to reporting news, or should that be no news. In the days of 24 hour rolling news channels who struggle to make even coherent sentences on slow news days, and who leap on an international disaster like a child with a new bike for Christmas, I always find it refreshing to recall that famous clip on the news in the early days of television when the news reader was heard saying those immortal words: "...Today there is no news to report...." I kid you not, it did actually happen. Sometimes it would be nice if todays news channels and newspapers were a little more realistic instead of making up the news as they go along....

A Tonbridge plinth....

Here's a link to the One&Other Plinth web site which shows Tonbridge's very own actor/poet/entertainer Karl Niklaus performing and larking about 30 feet up in Trafalgar Square. It takes a lot of guts to stand up there in the first place by all accounts, let alone to keep a crowd entertained for a whole hour. I haven't watched all of it but he seems to be doing his best to keep everyone involved and I've just heard him say "Release the spoken word into the world!" It's given me an idea as well. Maybe we should have a Tonbridge plinth during next years arts festival. I'll put it to the committee but who would we have perform there apart from Karl of course. I'd probably give it a bash for a laugh. Any other takers?....

A moan about mobility scooters!...

"TonbridgeBlog really should have a moan about mobility scooters" said one recent comment. I'm not sure about this as the Courier are doing it to death already in their usual way. You know the picture on the disgruntled mother who's child has had a near death experience on the streets of downtown Tonbridge. She has a serious looking glum face and the photograher, who's seen it all a million times, knows he can extract every ounce out of a feeble story if the little toddler who has cheated death is also in the frame looking equally glum. Sorry if that sounds a little cynical for a moderately serious topic but actually I think this is a storm in a tea cup. There's a very nice, if a little grumpy, old chap who stops by my shop parking his disabled mobile outside; he comes in to buy books on stamps and I honestly can't see him being a menace on the pavement. Look at it from their point of view they mostly can't walk more than a few yards without serious difficulty so to many these electric scooters are a lifeline, they allow them to go shopping or out and about to visit friends when they might otherwise be house-bound. The pavements are busy in the town centre, but no where else; the roads are too dangerous for them to go very far on. These scooters only travel at a top speed of 4 mph, which is only fast walking pace afterall and they mostly go at 2mph. Yes maybe there is a problem with some of the latest models which are capable of up to 8 mph, although even this is slower than a teenager's bike or even a skateboarder. How many accidents have there actually been; I've only heard about this one and maybe it was an accident waiting to happen. One thing is for sure though, for the Courier newspaper it was a story waiting to happen! One letter to the paper, which they printed, asked if their was training available for "these people..." I'm not sure that referring to disabled people as these people will win this letter writer many votes of support but maybe she had a point about the training. I'm sure that the vast majority of the drivers/riders are safe and sensible, just like most cyclists and pedestrians are, so can you impose laws and regulations just for the careless few. I would wager that most have driven a car for many years, so will quickly be able to grasp the hang of a slow moving scooter, maybe those who haven't ever driven should be given a test rather like the Compulsory Basic Training (CBT) test for motor bikes and scooters which teach the rider the basics in around three hours. Should they be made compulsory though? Have your say by commenting below....

Gateway to nowhere!...

The front page story of Tonbridge and Malling's unneccesarily glossy news paper, Here and Now, had the really imaginative headline: "Gateway Opens" This article just served to confirm to me my worst fears; that TMBC have been wasting our money on this pointless revamp at the Castle. (Scroll down to previous posting for more on this. ) From what I can see there are no actual extra services available at the building, just the same dreary ones that they had there before and some rather tenuous ones planned. I don't want to denigrate the needs of the disabled folk of Tonbridge but do they really need and ask for a "Changing Place" toilet whatever that may be?! And do the public need free internet access in these days when virtually everyone has a pc at home and, increasingly, on their mobile phones. Do visitors to Gateway, the new name for the council offices in Tonbridge really need a "Meet and Greet area," an expensive looking help desk "to be directed to the person who can best help them with their enquiry" or do they simply want a well trained, helpful, polite and understanding person. I'm now pretty convinced that maybe people who work at the council just get bored and have to dream up new ways to burn our money on ever more ridiculous excercises dressed up as corporate strategy makeovers....

Guy Portelli exhibition....

Apparently that successful local sculptor, Guy Portelli, as featured gaining an investment of £90k on the BBC's Dragon's Den programme, had a small exhibition of his Pop Icons at Retro 66 barbers shop on Tonbridge High Street yesterday and Sunday. Did anyone go along? I like some of his work although at around £25k a piece I won't be rushing out to buy one just yet. You can see most of this eye catching contemporary art on Guy's web site which is listed on the left hand column of this page. This was quite a coup for Retro barbers to get Mr. Portelli along at the weekend. I'm not sure how they know him though as, judging by the picture on the front of this month's Tonbridge Insider, Guy is long overdue a trim!...