Thursday, September 15, 2011

One Man's view of Tonbridge....

Somebody calling himself MrLean sent me this on twitter today. Why? I'm not quite sure but there it was anyway. WARNING: this does contain, to use an old expression of my Mum's, some pretty blue language so don't read it if you are of a sensitive disposition. Also be warned that it contains some pretty depressing views about the town you live in so don't read it if you want to keep your nice rosy image of Tonbridge. I thought it was worth publishing because it's clear that some, especially younger, people do actually have these kind of views however misplaced. Though I'd say to Mister Lean or Dejay Lean or whatever he likes to call himself: It ain't nothing new mate! Young people get itchy feet, they want to break free; song lyrics have been talking about it down the ages. You've got the big bad city 35 miles up the train track and a whole world beyond it. Go and do some travelling, live your life, do some interesting things, visit some interesting places talk to lots of weird and wonderful people. Then come back some day and you'll realise it really isn't all that bad. Here's his blog post and if you can stomach more of it look here....

F*#k Tonbridge (his heading not mine!)
Most people dislike their home town, I’m sure. (Except residents of Bristol and Brighton actually, but I’ll probably come back to that.) I’ve disliked the majority of places that I’ve lived over the years, but I can think of places I did like, and still do; Rochester is picturesque in places, with its Dickensian charms and old buildings, and I did enjoy my brief tenure in Bearsted (before the aforementioned house fire). The cricket green our house backed on to, juxtaposed with two old style pubs was definitely aesthetically pleasing, and the village as a whole was pretty in its construction; lots of green spaces, old thatched roof cottages, and happily for the 3 male occupants of our house there was a near continuous stream of fit women pouring into the pub next door.

There have been places that were less enjoyable of course: Chatham was, as the area’s reputation might indicate, an absolute dump, populated by for the most part, very scummy people – for example my neighbour (who I’d know for years and who I always knew was a slight strange) turned out to be a rapist. That’s just an example of the type of people that live there; I’m not saying just because you lived in Chatham once upon a time you always precede coitus with a savage beating, but if the cap fits…
Most areas generally have a redeeming feature, one silver lining in amongst the retarded inhabitants and horribly designed cityscapes. For example in Chatham, there is a lovely park next to a college, which means you can effectively sit in the sun and get stoned and pissed whilst looking at 18 year old art students. In Horsmonden the general tranquillity and the horses at the bottom of the garden made up for the fact the village is the most remote place in the whole of Europe, and in Rochester the historical references to Dickens and co are redemptive of the fact that the town is sandwiched between Strood and Chatham. (For those not au fait with the area, imagine a sexual experience with Courtney Love, and Natalie Cassidy. You’re the ham in their sticky pale skin sandwich, in much the same way Rochester is infringed upon by two frankly horribly shit places.)

There is however once place, that has no saving grace; A place where it has rained everyday since 1952. The same place where bizarrely there are no married couples. The sky is always grey there, and rumour has it there are no fish in the river. In this place it’s perfectly normal, and acceptable for girls to have had sex with 49 men before their 18th birthday (She actually used to read this blog, until she decided I was a “two faced prick” so I doubt she will be reading anytime soon.) Legend has it that Hitler initially had this place earmarked for Auschwitz but was worried about the effect the smog there might have on his German soldiers. This place, Tonbridge, is my town, and I hate it.

Apparently some people like Tonbridge. I don’t believe them. I think they hear my best friend and I constantly cussing the place, and have decided we are pricks and just want to argue with us. There is no reason to like this town. There is nothing here for anyone, except evidently amorous teenagers…
Situated between Sevenoaks and Tunbridge Wells, should make for a decent place. We have two relatively rich neighbouring towns, with haven’t really been overly affected by the recent period of austerity and we are geographically close to London, and Brighton, with decent travel links also. I know what some readers might be thinking at this point – redeeming features? NO. These things are a further kick in the teeth. Our richer, more historically important neighbours simply serve as a reminder of how disappointing a place my home town is. The river meanders through the town, which could be quite pleasant, but the problem with the river is the drunken dickheads constantly attempting to kill themselves/their significant others/their children in it. On a day where the council aren’t fishing bloated bodies from the river a stroll down by the riverside could be enjoyable, however the reeds and the muddy banks beside resemble a landfill site. A landfill site with a special section for needle and nappy disposal.

Tonbridge, according to Wikipedia, has 30,340 residents, all of whom can be found in the Wetherspoons, which is named after Humphrey Bean, on a Friday, Saturday, and Sunday night. I put in some research to find out about Mr Bean (the namesake of the pub, as opposed to Rowan Atkinson’s perennially unfortunate television character) in the hope that he would turn out to be a paedophile/mass murderer/insert other despicable crime here, as this would certainly add to the conviction of my diatribe, however it turns out he doesn’t exist. That’s good enough for me. Tonbridge’s primary watering hole is named after a fabricated character. In Rochester, they have the actual chalet Dickens wrote Great Expectations in, and the pub next door: Great Expectations. Even in Horsmonden (remember its half a million miles from civilisation) their pub is named after a local war hero. In Tonbridge they didn’t even have anyone worth naming a pub after). I’m going to assume Mr Bean’s mother actually named him Humphrey, because at times that’s the level of general retardation the unfortunate looking occupants of Tonbridge display, so that would fit nicely.
Pubs aside, Tonbridge town is bleak as fuck. I was recently looking through some pictures of the Somme. It looks a lot more fun than an afternoon in Tonbridge.  The “town centre” is one road. It has 145 hairdressers, 55 charity shops, and about 15 chain restaurants where you can buy 2 meals for 10 pounds (Microwave + Table + Waiter = Tonbridge ASK). 50% of the shops are empty and thus badly vandalised, and on Saturday morning, I genuinely counted 15 piles of sick between my house and the local McDonalds. That journey was probably 200 yards. More concerning that then sick piles however was the blood caked thong, deposited neatly next to a dog shit bin. That was just beautiful.

Tonbridge parenting is something else. I said there are no married couples, which was a bit of an exaggeration, I realised two of my friends are married, so there is at least one married couple. It would be too easy to label all of the parents here as the “Jeremy Kyle generation” but I know of three couples who live within walking distance who have featured on the popular mid morning freak show that is JK. Discipline in Tonbridge is, as far I’ve witnessed non existent or frankly sadist. The two general schools of parenthood appear to be “ignore the little shit” or “scream at the little shit”. Either way, we have created, (as detailed in my Intersports > JD Sports blog post) a generation of mongy, disrespectful youths who’s idea of a nice time is harassing punters outside of the local off license, or harassing punters outside the local pub, which is incidentally where their absent fathers can be found, when their not harassing the mother of their children’s new boyfriends. I am not going to talk about anyone personally, as I have set out to mildly offend a whole town, as opposed to horribly offend particular people, but suffice to say you would be shocked at some of the things I know about a number of the parents in this town. The half naked toddlers running riot in estates all over North Tonbridge (the very nadir of what is already an abhorrently horrid town) really do remind me of the famous picture of the Vietnamese child covered in napalm running down the road, except children of Tonbridge aren’t covered in 46 parts polystyrene, 33 parts petrol, and 21 parts benzene (napalm to most people), they are covered in a light layer of dirt. The parents of the dirty children are “horribly depressed”. So “horribly depressed” they smoke weed all day every day, and sniff copious amounts of cocaine at the weekends. I am not one to talk about partying habits and whatnot; however I do not have a number of young dependants, by a number of absent sperm donors. Dirty children in clothes that don’t fit obviously pale into insignificance when compared to the parents need to blunt the edge of the knife of realisation, by “bunning” (youth speak for smoking, so I’m told) some of Tonbridge’s finest home-grown herbal remedy. The realisation, of course is that your children are going to grow up to hate you, because you are shit parents, coupled with the fact you live in a shit town. The doctors surgery in Tonbridge is inundated with young-ish mothers seeking repeat prescriptions of their anti-depressants/anti-anxiety pills/sleepers – perhaps a more sensible idea would be to ascertain the scale of the women’s drug abuse, and build a care plan based around that, so that next time I go to the doctors to get my ears syringed my appointment isn’t actually delayed by 2 hours, because of an emotionally unstable North Tonbridge mother deciding to have a breakdown (read probable drug induced spastic attack) in the surgery. Remember Tonbridge mothers, when all else fails: “SHUT UP YOU C*NT, YOU’RE DOING MY F*CKING HEAD IN!” – Yep, it really is that bad.

The people, the shops, the pubs and the geography aside, Tonbridge has a horrible feeling associated with it. A general unhappiness resides, and hangs heavily in the air like mustard gas, so much so that it makes my soul hurt to spend longer than 15 minutes in the town, and I am almost sure that much like the theory about smoking cigarettes (1 cigarette depletes 15 minutes of your life) living in Tonbridge is terrible for your health. I had one grey hair when I moved here, and 2 years later I’m at the stage of finding grey hairs in my beard, and even one on my chest recently, which makes me quite unhappy. But not as unhappy as living in Tonbridge. We recently went on a rather massive party weekend, spent time in London and Bristol. I cannot put into words how sad I felt on the main road back into Tonbridge. Ben simply rolled down the window, looked at the decimation we were entering and bellowed: “SHITHOLE!!!!” Tonbridge.Nail.Head.

I know basically I am a bit of a prick, because there are plenty of Somalian children in Mogadishu, who would kill for a meal in the ASK, a pint in the Wetherspoons, and to be shouted at by some strange North Tonbridge woman for no particular reason, but I for one harbour an intent to leave this town, and all of the retards in it behind, and until the day I relocate to Bristol, or Brighton, or somewhere more suited to the lifestyle of Mr Lean I will continue to insult this shithole town and its retarded residents, and if you don’t like it, you can find me in the Mr Bean Wetherspoons, insulting you, the mother of your children and your town.

Big Kisses residents of Tonbridge, you truly fucking suck.

36 comments:

Anonymous said...

That's slightly longer than the 140 characters normally allowed on Twitter.

Anonymous said...

This guy needs to bugger off back to Chatham where he'll probably be more welcome and happier....wat a true Cock Jockey!!!!

Anonymous said...

this guy is a legend and anyone who does'nt think this about tonbridge obviously has a real poor life and lifestyle. Tonbridge is a place where people come to die and smoke crack

Anonymous said...

But it looks like Tonbridge is on the up for one local book seller!

Anonymous said...

This mr lean is a right twat people who live in tonbridge know its not the best but its better than some places his still smoking our weed and drinking our beer and prob smoking our crack too. The best thing this mr lean can do is fuck off and find some were better to bum it up. To me it sounds like he would be more at home in prison getting ass raped and being some 1s bitch

Anonymous said...

We know why this lean bloke is like this he can't get laid even by the tonbridge sluts so he has nothing better to do than wright shit about the town lives in and look at internet porn

Anonymous said...

To the good people of tonbridge I'm righting this to let u know what this nut job who calls him self mr lean is really like. Iv had word from my contacts that this mental twat got kick out of the last town he lived in because he was caught having sex with a dog and yes I mean like like the pets we have in our homes this man is not safe roaming the streets I advise u to stay well clear we don't know when he will be out on the prowl for a new pet to take advantage of.

Anonymous said...

I can confirm the above, he tried to rim my cat last week and has been constantly sending lewd text messages to my dog.

He has also ben seen jizzing on ducks in tonbridge park.

Tonbridge blogger said...

Blimey, what are these comments? Are they lyrics from The Streets new single?!

Anonymous said...

I bet all the hater's leaving comments are single mum's with 3 kids from 3 different fathers or the absent fathers themselves all sitting indoors in a house that's paid for with benefits waiting for there giro to be delivered. Tonbridge is a dump and anyone who thinks different obviously has lived here there whole life and never left the town.

Anonymous said...

Ha and check the guy few comments up there definitely from tonbridge. " I'm righting" ? Go back to school and actually go to lessons and not smoke crack with your mum.

Anonymous said...

If u all hate tonbridge so much why don't u all fuck off and and live in a different town. no1 wants any of u here any way u good for nothing cunts your the twats that make tonbridge look shit

Anonymous said...

Saw him 69ing a Badger just this morning.

Anonymous said...

^^^what's up your giro not turned up.

Anonymous said...

He broke my miniature ponies bum hymen.....didn't even give him a reach around.

Meadow skipper has never been the same since.

:-(

Mr Lean said...

All you haters can go f**k yourselves!!,

If the animal doesn't say no then it's consensual, everyone knows that.

Animal love rules.

Mister Lean said...

Hi all. Glad you all liked my blog, or hated it as the case may be. Seems a lot of you can't spell so thanks for validating my points. It's also evident you can't take a joke.

For the record, the Mr Lean above isn't me.

I am writing a new blog post about beastiality, I wonder if you will all take that so seriously.

Have a lovely day Tonbridgians.

Mr Lean said...

The Mr Lean above isn't me.

I'm Mr Lean and I'm going for the prodigious Noahs Ark award by trying to violate as many animals as possible.

Keep an eye on my blog for "amusing" commentary and x-rated pictures.

Were all animals right, so let's GET IT ON!

Anonymous said...

Tonbridge's leisure facility's are it's only saving feature. The racecourse park, pool, castle and Haysden country park are lovely places. However there are a high concentration of dirty scummy 'tards in this town. I consider myself a well travelled man, been around a bit, I have never seen so many inbred looking people in one town. These people are breeding....... Mr Lean's blog rings true.

Mr Smooth said...

Not being funny, but this is just mad. How one persons views can stir up so much trouble!! He is right though. Tonbridge is a shit hole and I'm glad 90% of you don't know where Bearsted is, because I would hate to have to rip your fucking rectum out, through your mouth.

Much love

Mr Smooth x

Dog lover said...

You can scratch my rectal itch any day Mr Smooth.

I've heard your the well endowed member of the family, are you into literal dogging as well.

Would love to see you go to town on a Border Collie.

Yum.

sebfox said...

Hard to do wind-ups in a blog, I suppose. The trouble is,it shows up in blue:-)

Anonymous said...

Whatever happened to freedom of speech? Everyone is entitled to their own opinion surely...? Whether you agree or disagree with Mr Lean's post, at least take the time to appreciate the fact he even wrote about your shitty town. Some of you couldn't even write a four paged children's book on 'How to Spell'.

Tonbridge is full of inbred chavs. See McDonalds for more details.

Mister Lean said...

Like I said, I really did'nt set out to offend anyone....

Sorry if thats not the case.

Anonymous said...

Mister Lean is a f**king legend! Salute!!!!!!! And Tonbridge does sucks, it actually smells like dog chod everywhere. Why do you think everyone calls its 'Scumbridge'? Also, learn to take a joke you mugs.

Anonymous said...

I LIKE TURTLES!

Anonymous said...

I do not think that you are doing anyone (Tonbridge residents, Tonbridge businesses) any favours by repeating this type of Twitter on your Blog!

Anonymous said...

Great - the profanity of this post that in your wisdom you decided to quote in full now means Tonbridge Blog is blocked by Content Filtering software. At least it will stop people reading all this drivel...

Tonbridge blogger said...

Well I did work for a tabloid newspaper for 9 years! I've had a few Disgusted of Tonbridge type comments on this one and I'm sure a few readers of Tonbridge Blog will possibly not log in again. But, then again, why shouldn't the younger folk of the town say what they think even if it is useing somewhat colouful language.If you want to read real bile then have a look at the comments about the local catholic priest which are still coming in nine months after I posted the blog. Believe you me the comments here are tame in comparison....

sebfox said...

I for one was shocked, horrified AND disgusted, not just in that order, but actually, all at once!
I've lived in this magnificent town for several years now, and have become quite attached to the lard arses, the pigeons and the pissed up pikeys who populate Tonbridge. Not to mention it's rubbish strewn park, and it's vomit hued, shopping trolley choked river. I admire any towns folk who have the imagination to call a few crumbling walls and a gate house "a Castle", it's optimistic to say the least.
I believe I've done my best to fit in. I am now a 32 stone alcoholic coke head with large wife, sixteen kids and a bus pass. It doesn't seem feasible that anyone would want to leave Tonbridge. It's great!

Anonymous said...

Ah, the fact that you have worked for a “tabloid newspaper” justifies promulgating this type of twitter???

Anonymous said...

I used to like living in Tonbridge until I discovered I was sharing it with some of these people. What a depressing bunch!

Anonymous said...

what time is his mother coming to fetch him?

Anonymous said...

Poor old Mr Lean. Writing his rambling bile from Mummy and Daddy's spare room, snorting with laughter at his "hilarious" and "ironic" wit.

He appears to harbour dreams of one day owning a shabby chic terrace in Brighton (but not Moulscoumbe or Clifton because you know, it's a bit rough and poor people live there) but clearly missed the constant stream of Stag and Hen parties, crusties and chavs that reside there.

Making snide comments about parenting is easy to do when you don't have any kids of your own, however there is no of chance that when your experience of women seems to be limited to pouring yourself a hand shandy whilst perving over "fit girls" that utilised the pub next door.

I'm sure all this anxiety and hate could be resolved if you just gave in and shagged one of the single mums that you clearly have a fetish for.

Either that or why not just move to Bristol - what's stopping you?

Pierre Jalon said...

This is brilliant, tonbridge bashing ! Love all the references ! Sorry you have to live there !

Pierre Jalon said...

This is brilliant, tonbridge bashing ! Love all the references ! Sorry you have to live there !