Can't stop us laughing....

Apparently 300 dogs have escaped from Battersea Dogs home after thieves broke into the charity's offices. At present the police have no strong leads!!! They can't stop us laughing, it's the only thing we've got left....

Welcome to Alternative Tonbridge blog....

If you've just discovered that there is an alternative Tonbridge blog then a big warm welcome. It is in fact Tonbridge blog with a slight difference. The occasional new posting which you won't find on the other Tblog, the odd different camera angle here and there. Its main purpose at the moment though is to be the only Tonbridge blog until those greedy sods at 123 reg put the other site back up. (Which will be on August 1st) I keep putting shillings in the meter but it just keeps on running out. So I've deceided to just blog here instead. In the long run the whole site might be redirected here because firstly it's free and, more importantly, it's free!!..

Enemy at the gates?...

Is this an invasion by the infidel; are the French attacking Tonbridge? Have we gone back in time? Are the enemy at the gates? No it's just the rather unusual sight of a climbing wall at the bottom of Tonbridge Castle (in fact on the High Street. Actually it's a publicity stunt for Carroty Wood and the Barnabas charity, but a really good one. If it wasn't for me gammy leg I'd have had a go meself!....

Murder and Black Witch Moths....

Come to think of it I watched a film called "Unfaithful" again last night, with Richard Gere and a lovely female actress who's name escapes me. Anyway by chance she meets a good looking and slightly weird bookseller, which ends up in a passionate and slightly violent affair. She is wracked with guilt but has fallen for him utterly, husband gets suspicious and hires a PI who gets photographic evidence of the affair. The husband secretly goes to see the bookseller, to warn him off but this turns into a murderous meeting when the jealous husband (Gere) spots a collectable snow ball, which is also very heavy, which he has given to his wife and now the wife has clearly given it to the bookseller as a love token. Result: sudden loss of control on the part of Gere's character and a whack over the head with the thick glass snowball, which almost instantaneously kills the bookseller. Then a cover up and later guilt and all the rest of it. The snow ball having been returned to the family home gives the game away. So let's recap: a bookseller gets murdered, then a black witch moth flies into my shop this morning; and I didn't even get to have the affair! Surely just my imagination running away with me!....

Black Witch Moth in Tonbridge?!..

I swear to you a bloody great big black moth floated past me and into my shop today as I was opening up. It had to be at least four inches across its wing span. Brief research leads me to think that it may be a Black Witch Moth which is often mistaken for a small bat, which was my first reaction. If it is then there is all sorts of mythology attached to this insect ranging from a bringer of death, to a loved one departed coming to say goodbye, through to a bringer of wealth. If I've got a choice I'll take the latter please! The thing is these particular winged creatures are native to Mexico and occasionally Texas, so what the hell is it doing in my shop in Tonbridge?! Anyway I hope to bring you some piccies later if I can spot the little blighter. It's here somewhere still, lurking behind an old tome, perhaps it's looking for its friends in Britiash Butterflies and Moths! The good news is that they are completely harmless to humans.

Bank job update....

See earlier post for Tonbridge blog's first on the spot report! It just shows you how wrong you can be and how we mustn't jump to conclusions. After holding the two men in the red BMW for at least twenty minutes, and in hand cuffs, I've just seen the Police shaking hands with the two lads and sending them on their merry way; so I guess it must have been a letting off then....

Bank St. Job....

Blimey another incident right under Tonbridge blog's nose; this really is too much excitement for a sleepy market town to bear! It was a fairly average, even slightly dull Tuesday until just a few minutes ago. This time a High Speed chase, albeit a short one, followed by a search, handcuffing and probable arrest of at least two men who were in the red car. You should be able to just about make them out in the photo. Lights blaring, siren whirring, five or six coppers in flack jackets. I don't mind telling you that I felt the adrenaline flowing and a strange urge to go in and help out. So imagine the excitement that the police must have felt. Is this Tonbridge or down town Miami?!

Another murder in Tonbridge??..

It seems that there could have been another major incident in Tonbridge, possibly even another murder; and down Church Lane of all places. If it weren't so serious it would remind one of an episode of Miss Marple or Inspector Morse. There were Police cars strung across the pavement, there were ambulances, white vans, detectives with clipboards surveying the crime scene, men and women in those white suits with hoods on that you see in Waking the Dead. But this was no TV programme this had happened right on our doorsteps in the centre of the old part on Tonbridge. The scene would appear to be the flats above the boarded up old shop on the corner of the lane leading to the Church and the High Street. Tonbridge blog will update you if any hard news surfaces. Has anyone else heard anything?...

The Stranglers eat your heart out....

Even when I'm happy people often say to me "Cheer up mate!" So I must appear to many as a miserable bugger. I'm not altogether sure that that's a fair assessment of my general mood but I do know that I can often be amused by the simplist and obscurist of things sometimes. Like earlier this week when I atttended the Slade School music evening and listened to all sorts of singers, choirs, recorder groups, piano scale players, flutists, even a clarionettist and some guitar players. There was a lot to take in and it was a warm afternoon, so you'll forgive me if I didn't give it my full attention for the whole two hours worth. I was however awoken from my semi comatosed state when one of the young guitar players began strumming some very recognisable notes. Dum da da, da da da dum da... yes it was the distinctive opening bars of the Strangler's well known 1970s hit "Walking on the Beaches (Looking at the Peaches)" I'm not sure how appropriate it was coming from a ten year old lad but it certainly made me chuckle....

Choosing the right Tonbridge school....

We are a high achieving academic school. We prepare our students to achieve at least 2 A grades at GCSE; we want our children to enjoy life outside of the school curiculum whilst still achieving high grades. We are a highly sought after specialist performance arts school. We have a high level of pastoral care. Tonbridge blog has been visiting some of the local schools trying to select which one(s) are suitable for one of my kids. I have my strong views on the selection procedure etc. but, for a change, have decided to tread a little carefully on this subject (for now) So come on then, what do you all think? Is it right to have grammar schools at all? Should those grammar schools be able to be super selective from a very wide area, including out of county, or should they serve the local community first and foremost? Should boys and girls as young as 11 be encouraged to travel up to one and a half hours a day each way? Could their time be used better than this? Do schools really specialise in the subjects they say they do or is it just a way of seeking more grants? That's a lot of questions for a wet Wednesday morning so let's hear a few views; have your say....

Be careful out there....

Be careful out there on the information super highway! That's the message to all you fellow bloggers, Beboers, YouTubers and especially, it seems, Facebookers. You never know who's tuning in. You'd have thought that young Crystal Palace contender, Ashley-Paul Robinson would have realised that by telling his facebook friends list that he may be moving to London rivals Fulham he was also telling the whole football world. But apparently he didn't. I mean it would be a bit like me mentioning online to a few people who I know read Tonbridge blog that I was hoping to complete a buy out of John Adams bookshop shortly and then being annoyed that I'd let the information slip. It wouldn't be true but it would be a bit like it....

Tonbridge Tunnels?...

Has fresh evidence of the existence of the network of tunnels emanating from Tonbridge Castle finally been unearthed? Tonbridge blog likes to believe that there's no smoke without fire and that these tunnels do exist; laying dormant, waiting for hidden treasures to be revealed one day perhaps, as foretold in the wonderful book "Tonbridge Legends." The reason for my sudden exitement? They are digging up the road at the junction of Castle St and Bank St due to a supposed collapse of a sewer. A likely story! Sounds like a cover up job to me. I shall be keeping a close eye as events unfold in this latest twist in the mystery of subterranean Tonbridge. In the meantime, if you are driving, then avoid the area if you can as there'll be a one way system in place down Castle Street and you won't be able to access Bank Street for about two weeks; this is bound to cause near chaos up and down the High Street also. Oh what joy! It might be a good time to dust off that push bike....

Libr8 yrself wiv a text....

Thrs a gr8 rticle on the Grdn www abt how th written word is bin ruined by texting. Actually it is saying the opp. that in fact it's a gr* eg of how the english lang is evolving. In fact, as the article points out this is nothing new. IOU was in use, for instance in the 1600s. I can well remember the Glam Rockers, Slade, with their "Gudbuy T Jane" and others trendily mispelt, in the 1970s, well before the age of the mobile phone. So I think I might set a challenge for you all. Come up with an short poem using texty type language; it concentrates the mind, have a go and I'll post the best few. As I said in the last posting: poetry can b v libr8in....

Incident at Tonbridge Castle toilets yesterday?...

Does anyone know what happened around the Castle carpark yesterday morning? I've heard a rumour that a paedophile, who had been watching people in the nearby public lavs, may have been arrested. There were at least two Police cars and an ambulance on the scene and ty wenet away with sirens and lights ablazing....

Poetry can be liberating just like blogging....

And so Poetry at the Ivy came and went. There will be no August poetry night so it was nice to see a really good turn out and some more new faces. There must have been 25 people there; the trouble for me is that I never know whether they'll be 3 people of 33. I sort of compere the evening and fill in with some of my favourite poems (and, unluckilily for some, a few of my own!) when there are long pauses. As the drinks flow most people tend to loosen up and let rip sometimes with frivolous material, as it's easier to hide behind the cloak of comedy, but just occasionally with some deeply personal stuff. The first time I read one of this type of poem out was at the Sevenoaks Arts Festival about four years ago and I don't mind telling you I had to fight back the tears; I learnt an important lesson that day; some poems are for yourself and close friends, others are to be performed and shared. A similar thing happened at Thursday night's event when a youngish woman, who was there with her group of friends performed one of her's; it was moving, meloncholy and a rather erotic and dark poem but boy what a moment in the evening. She was clearly moved herself, as were most of her audience; she commented later that she felt really good and liberated to, as it were share her thoughts publicly. Actually, thinking about it it's not so very different a feeling from blogging, except there's no hiding if you blub half way through reading something out in front of a group of strangers. It takes guts sometimes but most people think it's worth it just to reach one or two people....

This is not just a cock up....

Tonbridge is crying out for an M&S in the town! Or at least that's what I always used to think; that a Marks and Spencers would symbolise that Tonbridge was a quality High Street and not one to be avoided by big name retailers. Now it seems that the store chain is in deep trouble and I'm not altogether surprised. They have just thrown away a million pounds by hiring and then firing (less than a year later) Steven Essom, formerly of Waitrose who got, get this, a "Golden Hello" of £500,000 and now, no doubt, has got a similarly ridiculous Golden Parachute! I wonder what the news of that has done for staff morale among the £6.50 an hour floor sales assistants. This is not just a cock up, this is an M&S cock up. When I worked in advertising for the Daily Mirrror a few years back we held discussions with the group in more rosy economic times, regarding them advertising in the Mirror, which we liked to call the "quality popular newspaper" M&S were embarking on their now famous campaign: This is not just cream, this M&S thick double cream from only the finest rare breed Highland cattle in the outer Hebredes! Okay they didn't go quite that far but almost. Do you know what they actually bought it and placed several expensive colur pages across Mirror Group's titles. The problem wth M&S is that they just don't listen to market forces until it's too late. They used to lose bucket loads of customers, me included, for only taking M&S store cards and no other credit cards. They lost even more business, and still do to an extent, by pig-headedly refusing to stock lines other than their own label. They have relented a little more recently, but it's still too little too late. They have an old fashioned, middle market, middle of the road image which an awful lot of people have now switched off from. They don't know where they are going and it shows. If they ever do open a Tonbridge M&S, that is if John "I'm proud to stock Golliwogs" Bartram doesn't stand in their way I'll be queuing up for the job of Head of Strategy and my suitable Golden Hello, it would take me half an hour to tell them what they've pissed a million quid away to find out....

What a shower!...

Speaking of councils, Tonbridge blog loved the piece in the local rag over the weekend about the new name the council have dreamed up for Brain storming: "Thought showers" At first glance it seems like a fairly light hearted story and fairly slow news day stuff, but when you think about it it does typify the kind of time wasting that these very well paid people indulge in. If you didn't catch the story the gist is that certain do-goders in the council thought that "brain storm" might be offensive to people suffering from epilepsy! It seems that the people suffering from epilepsy hadn't even considered the matter as you can imagine (they probably have too many real problems on their plate.) The irony is that they probably had to have a "brain storm" to come up with the new name before they'd thought showered it! That said at least Tonbridge and Malling Borough Council are off the hook as it was Tunbridge Wells Borough Council's idea/brain storm/shower. It would be interesting to know when brain storm was invented and whether there was similar ridicule then. In my experience these ideas sessions are a complete waste of time anyway and just an excuse to procrastinate, but then that's just me. I'm just off to make a coffee and buy a few nice biscuits in wrappers to put on a plate, so I can have a storm/ ideas session/ thought shower/ thinking out of the box type meeting with myself to decide whether I should do any real work today or just keep blogging, or think of an entirely new direction for the business which I hadn't even considered; Hey you know what, there might be something in this blue sky thinking after all; careful though I don't want to offend people who like grey skies....

My way, or The Highways'?...

Tonbridge blog has reported the absence of adequate street lighting at the North end of town on a few occasions. The root of the problem seems to be that "the council" doesn't seem to know its arse from its elbow have worked out whose responsibility the lamps are; given that they are in the a conservation area (which is under review) in which case they might be Tonbridge and Malling Borough Council's responsibilty or whether they are just treated as part of "the Highways" in which case they are Kent Highway's (Kent County Council's) responsibility. Either way we still don't have any ruddy lights. Silverman's the jewellers have had two lights out on the Bank Street/High Street corner, right outside their shop for almost a whole year now. It really is pathetic and could make the area a haven for crime if they are not careful and don't sort out their act. How many council workers does it take to change a light bulb anyway? About 8,000 it seems, and they still haven't managed it! I've personally seen a letter from Steve Humphries, the Chief Exec of TMBC, who probably gets paid more than the Prime Minister and half the Cabinet combined, to Mrs Silverman in which he says the matter is in hand and being dealt with, and that he cannot understand why Kent Highways can't provide the right bulbs immediately; that was around two months ago and still nothing. I've also seen a reply from (don't forget the Sir) John Stanley, also nearly two months ago, who also says that he's looking into the matter and waiting for replies from the right people concerned, still nothing done, rien, nada, null. I know the council(s) are slow at the best of times, but really, these are light bulbs for Pete's sake!