I have woken to find I am a daffodil on the outskirts of Hebden Bridge
I passed a shop called "snog" today, outside which a young woman offered 'free samples' Can this be right? I was too gallant to ask for one
My iconic new Spring collection features on the Paris catwalk tomorrow - ultimate vintage charity shop retro grunge for the 21st century
Wanting a different Saturday night? I have donned a wet suit and am going swimming through the sewers of London. Meet beneath Balham tube
Women, I believe, divide into 2 types - those who like squeezing men's spots and those who find the idea disgusting
On Feb 29th he tweeted with self delusion: Jesus. Only been up an hour and already 14 women have proposed to me. Said yes to 9 of them.
I have woken to find I am an elderly baboon in Botswana
My God what are the Arts Festival letting themselves in for?! Follow him on twitter yourselves @arfursmith