The Bluewater birthday blues....

Blue skies yesterday morning, it's my day off, it's nearly my birthday so what better day for a trip to Bluewater shopping centre. I allowed myself five hours to basically have a good browse and buy a few essential things. I wanted a decent pair of what I would call summer-weight jeans. I like wearing jeans and I don't spend money on suits, shirts and ties anymore so I thought maybe Hugo Boss or Ted Baker, Diesel something a bit nicer to wear than Gap or the usual predictable Levi's. Now I thought that being a 38 waist and 32 leg wouldn't be too difficult a thing to obtain in a place the size of Bluewater. I went in the Boss shop first only to be served by an incredibly gay guy of a simlar age to me; now I'm no homophobe but the idea of taking off my trousers several times within a few inches of this man who referred to me, old school-style, as "the gentleman" did worry me slightly I have to admit and it did remind me rather of those characters in the Fast Show with the catch phrase "Ooh, Suits you sir!", then I went in House of Fraser, on to the Ted Baker shop, River Island, Diesel, French Connection, the new Bench store, yes and I even tried Gap and Marks and Spencer in desperation. I reminded myself of my parents who refused to go in those fashion shops which played loud music as I strained to hear the sales assistants as they advised me to "try on a pair of thirty sixes mate, they come up big sometimes..." I actually walked out of one shop, because I just couldn't stand the thumping beat, imagining my mother's "turn that racket down" ringing in my ears. By 1 o' clock I was getting worried. I'd had no lunch, I had nothing to show for my three hours of trundling around the giant two-level triangle. I must have been in thirty shops, looked at 400 pairs of jeans only to discover that I was a freak and that I should be a size 32/34 if I wanted the proper stuff to fit. I couldn't even find a decent sports shop that sold a running vest that would A fit and B not cost over £30 and C didn't have a Nike trade-marked swoosh on it. (How is it possible to trade mark a tick anyway?!) I decided that I have to get down to at least a 36/32 in time for my next Bluewater trip if I'm to stand any chance of getting those jeans before the end of the summer, either that or go back in time 15 (oh alright 20) years. There I was with about £200 burning a hole in my pocket, desparate to be spent, I wanted to give it to a grateful shop assistant and be pleased with the goods I'd handed over the cash for; but by 2-15 I just knew that it was going to be my unlucky day. On my way out via John Lewis I panicked and bought some pasta bowls just to have something to show for my half a day shopping trip. (Actually they were very good value at twenty quid for a set of four plus a large serving bowl and I did sort of need them.) I had to be back in Tonbridge by 3-30 and had no time to loose, so off I went to the car park, carrying my pasta bowl set, feeling every one of my forty six years, feeling frustrated and annoyed that the mighty Bluewater couldn't satisfy my urge to spend some hard earned lolly....